*DISCLAIMER* This was a dream, only a dream that I had about being accused of murder. Nobody is dead, well, people die every day. But I have no first hand knowledge of any death. Again this was only a dream!!

So I just had a dream where my mother accused me of murder and nothing I did would make her change her mind. I'm sure it has more to do with the episode of Futurama I watched right before bed than anything else, but it was still scary. Eventually in the dream I watch the end of a movie and that proves to her that I didn't kill anyone. The bad part is, during most of the dream when I'm trying to convince her that I didn't kill anyone, I wasn't sure myself that I didn't.

That's always been an irrational fear of mine, especially living most alone. If I was accused of something, there's a good 14-16 hours a day that I don't have an alibi for. With everybody that America has in it's prisons, isn't it possible that some of them may actually be wrongfully accused? I just saw something on Court TV the other day where somebody was convicted and during his last statement to the court, he says "I just want to say again that I did not do it." But he sounds so defeated, he resigned himself to going to prison for something he didn't do. Of course then you run into the Double Jeopardy situation. So if you get of prison after being convicted of a murder you didn't commit and the person they say you killed is actually alive, then because the constitution says you can't be tried for the same crime twice then you run into the only situation where murder is legal.

Yeah that sounded really crazy, but I swear I'm not, it was just a line of though after a bad dream.

On a lighter note, for the first time since moving out on my own, I won't be alone for New Years. So I finally completed a resolution from two years ago. This years resolutions will be long and varied, so those will come in another post sometime after January 1st. Oh, and the late night talk shows are coming back. If that isn't a blessing in the new year, I don't know what is. Now I don't have to give a damn about the writer's strike as long as Entourage isn't affected in the Summer.

Another Christmas alone. What can I say? If I write what I want to, I'm boring; if I write what I feel, I'm redundant. I can talk about how my cousin tried to put my life in perspective by telling me about how bad her life was growing up, but all I felt was marginalized. Also, validated. Is it wrong to feel good when somebody opens up to you? Here they are, opening themselves up and telling me secrets from way back when, and all I can think about is how cool it is that they trust me.

Alas, back to being marginalized. Just because somebody's childhood was worse than mine doesn't mean that I don't have the right to feel bad about mine. Besides, she was always the popular one with all the friends, the Marsha Brady of the family. She seemed to have everything going for her, at least she got good grades and had a social life. The point is, because she wasn't repulsively ugly like I apparently am, she had things easier in life. Despite her troubled home life, she still had the advantage. The advantage of being a normal looking person in a shallow world. I would have taken on any of her disadvantages, just to be good looking.

If I were a good looking person, I would have had normal relationships. I would have had a social life in school, I would have dated and maybe married and maybe have a kid at this point in life. I know I'm only 22 and I've never had a steady girlfriend, but growing up I always thought I'd have a wife and kids by this point. Maybe it's becoming a weird obsession, I know I tend to be prone to those, but I would love to have a kid. We all know about the 18 year commitment, but I don't see that as a disadvantage to having a kid, it's a small sacrifice for passing on your genes. And that is my revelation tonight. Having kids is a sacred act and should not be done carelessly because having children is the ONLY path to immortality. It's not God or Jesus or even through writing. Even if people don't remember you, there is always going to be a part of you in the human race if you reproduce. Who knows, maybe once I have a kid I'll finally be able to accept death and live my life.

Oh and if this is not interesting enough for you, or if I'm just a bad writer, tell me. I'll give up my last grasp on my dream of becoming a writing because of a single anonymous post telling me to.

Just a poem that I wrote, I'm never sure if my poetry is good or not, but here it is:

victim of circumstance
introverted for a reason
reliving what might have been
going all the way . . . almost
inventing excuses
none of them make sense

This is a rare before work post, just for a before and after comparison. Today just started out bad, I wake up and I learn that plans that I had tonight were abruptly canceled. If I were to believe anybody when they say they forgot they had plans with their parrents then this girl would be the person I would believe, and she did reschedual for tomorrow night, but still I feel that might be getting blown off.


Four Months Later . . .

I'm going through my old drafts publishing half thoughts and I really don't remember what I was talking about here. I guess it must not have been that important.

Midnight Epiphany Flakes

I've just had another epiphany about why I cannot find a relationship. Of course it's possible that this might just be yet another justification for my pure laziness when it comes to finding a relationship, but I digress. The following analysis comes from ColorQuiz.com.

Your Stress Sources:

Delights in the tasteful, the gracious, and the sensitive, but maintains his attitude of critical appraisal and refuses to be swept off his feet unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore keeps a strict and watchful control on his emotional relationships as he must know exactly where he stands. Demands complete sincerity as a protection against his own tendency to be too trusting.

What that means is that I surround myself with the aesthetic and I pretend that I have superior taste in movies, books, food, etc. because of how I approach relationships. I'm still so afraid of trusting people's motives (after an humiliating moment in 8th grade), that I can't feel comfortable in a relationship unless the other person is completely open to me about their intentions. In a relationship or on a date, or in life I spend so much time trying to determine whether or not the other person really likes that I don't give them a reason to like me.

What this epiphany comes down to is this: I need to spend a lot less time questioning people's motives and spend more time giving people a reason to like me.

One more thing before I go. I may have been a bit of an ass to some people earlier tonight. Let me assure you that I am really a nice guy and please attribute any offensive stories to a streak of self destructive behavior. I'm not sure where it comes from, but whenever things are going good there's some defense mechanism in my mind that trips and I do unconscious things to make sure things go wrong eventually. That's why I got kicked out of Job Corps, that's why I have debt, and that's why none of my relationships have ever lasted.

Good night.

I went four days without smoking weed, and now I am, so just a precursor to whatever I might say. I just saw the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. What a deep and emotion provoking movie. It brings up the question, is it really better to have lost and lost than to never have loved at all? And I realized that I will never know the answer to that question because I have never loved. Hell, I've barely had a girlfriend. But I don't think that's what I want to write about. I wish there was away to somehow capture an emotion and save it for later review. I don't know what I'm feeling, it's certainly not negative. I feel happy that they got together. I get so into movies and the characters become real to me if only for the time that I'm watching the movie. It's like real life seems less real to me than movies, books and TV. I'd rather live in my fantasy worlds where Turtle sits around and smokes weed all day long while Vince and the rest of the guys work being famous. I want there to be an improbability drive that will jump you across the universe in an instant to meet the damsel in distress. I want to go to the doctor and have memories erased because they're just too painful. Of course, I'd rather have something like Total Recall. They can add that perfection relationship to my memories, and then fabricate the perfect movie break up like Casablanca (though I've never seen that movie.) Then I can decide for myself whether it is better to have loved and lost. Is real love and romance anything like the movies? If it isn't, then maybe it's better that I die alone, never finding love. If love isn't the only good thing left in the world, then I don't know what is. I always hope that when I fall in love it will all make sense. I'll finally find the question to the answer "47". I know it must be hard to understand this, whomever is reading this, but if you've never been in love and yet you've grown to be an adult, there's still hope in the world. That's where I put my hope anyway. Since I don't know what love will be like, I can still hope that it will make everything okay. Kind of like smoking weed. That's a great analogie that I made today while talking to my empty apartment. When I'm away from weed the world seems a hostile and dangerous place and I can never trust myself not to say the wrong thing. But when I'm high the world seems like it matters less, like it doesn't matter that I'm a 280 lb, 22 year old virgin with no social skills. This is getting long so I think I'll end it here. It feels so good to write again, I've missed it.