I went four days without smoking weed, and now I am, so just a precursor to whatever I might say. I just saw the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. What a deep and emotion provoking movie. It brings up the question, is it really better to have lost and lost than to never have loved at all? And I realized that I will never know the answer to that question because I have never loved. Hell, I've barely had a girlfriend. But I don't think that's what I want to write about. I wish there was away to somehow capture an emotion and save it for later review. I don't know what I'm feeling, it's certainly not negative. I feel happy that they got together. I get so into movies and the characters become real to me if only for the time that I'm watching the movie. It's like real life seems less real to me than movies, books and TV. I'd rather live in my fantasy worlds where Turtle sits around and smokes weed all day long while Vince and the rest of the guys work being famous. I want there to be an improbability drive that will jump you across the universe in an instant to meet the damsel in distress. I want to go to the doctor and have memories erased because they're just too painful. Of course, I'd rather have something like Total Recall. They can add that perfection relationship to my memories, and then fabricate the perfect movie break up like Casablanca (though I've never seen that movie.) Then I can decide for myself whether it is better to have loved and lost. Is real love and romance anything like the movies? If it isn't, then maybe it's better that I die alone, never finding love. If love isn't the only good thing left in the world, then I don't know what is. I always hope that when I fall in love it will all make sense. I'll finally find the question to the answer "47". I know it must be hard to understand this, whomever is reading this, but if you've never been in love and yet you've grown to be an adult, there's still hope in the world. That's where I put my hope anyway. Since I don't know what love will be like, I can still hope that it will make everything okay. Kind of like smoking weed. That's a great analogie that I made today while talking to my empty apartment. When I'm away from weed the world seems a hostile and dangerous place and I can never trust myself not to say the wrong thing. But when I'm high the world seems like it matters less, like it doesn't matter that I'm a 280 lb, 22 year old virgin with no social skills. This is getting long so I think I'll end it here. It feels so good to write again, I've missed it.