I endorse Barack Obama.



I'm so excited. Election day is less than a week away. After four years of following the elections, from Barack Obama's speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention, to the clusterfuck to the Whitehouse that followed. From an assured Gulioni-Hillary general election, to John McCain's easy win in the primaries, to the historic democratic primaries. I remember being up at 2 or 3 am wandering the news sites when Joe Biden was announced as Obama's running mate. It was exiting, flipping on MSNBC, watching the early analysis as the sun came up. Seeing Joe Biden's first speech in front of the state house in Springfield, IL. I remember what a sense of security he brought to the ticket. Before Biden, I thought that Obama lacked some political capital and experience. But with Biden on the ticket, it doesn't matter. Of course I still think a Clinton/Obama ticket would have been best for everyone.

But on another note:

It really offends me when people say that they don't vote or aren't even registered. A lot of the people that I know don't care who the president is, I'm sure none of them could even name the secretary of state (Condeleza Rice) or the Speaker of the House (Nancy Pelosi). It's incomprehensible to me to think that most people are so uninvolved. How can you just not vote. How is it possible that they don't care about anything. I remember two years ago talking about Barack Obama. They asked who's Barack Obama? Who's Barack Obama?!? That was preposterous to me even back then.


The people that don't vote have no right to complain about government, ever. They can't say that taxes are too high, or that we need better schools, because they had their one chance to change it all. With a the simple act of filling out a ballot they have their voice and they reject it. This is how the religious must feel when encountering an atheist. Most religious people simply cannot imagine not believing in God. And I can't imagining being so out of touch with the world that I wouldn't vote. So all three (to use a generous estimate) of my readers, I implore you vote. Please, it doesn't matter who you vote for or what you vote for, but please fill out a ballot, drop in off (if you're in Oregon.) Take five minutes out of your life to look at the voters pamphlet. Of course Oregon readers know to say no on Mandatory Minimum Sentencing and yes to limiting English as a Second Language classes to two years maximum.

So on that note, I depart. Happy Halloween everyone.

Outcast, reject, looser. That's all I've ever been in life and that's all I'll ever be. So I was thinking, that when people get to know the real me they turn away, that's a given. But I had been romanticizing the reasons behind people turning away from me one they got to know me. It's not that I'm too disturbed, it's not that my thoughts scare people, that my perpetual sadness depresses people. It's nothing nearly that exciting, it's the fact that I'm annoying. When people know the real me, the realize that I'm immature and clingy, that I have unresolved abandonment issues and I'm starved for love and scared of death. If I were the rest of the world, I wouldn't like me either. Next is dealing with this issue. Any ideas?

So M found somebody else. We weren't back together officially, but I was working on it. I know it was probably just because I was feeling lonely and would have taken anybody, but now that she's moved on, I think that I might have given up my only chance at love. It's like the universe threw it at me again and again and I kept on rejecting it, and when I finally said yes to love, the universe yanks it away from me. I know I treated her like shit, and I was feeling really bad about it. She never did anything to intentionally hurt me, she's really a good person, just confused. Blah, I dunno. I miss her.

So I was sitting around with my roommates and, in a rare moment, talking of all things deep. I told them that I feel that most girls are out of my league. They're either too good looking or too social or too experienced, even looking at personal ads, I find myself dismissing most girls as out my league. So they asked me a good question, they asked, why do I feel that most girls are out of my league, so I told them: I'm fat, I have bad teeth, and I don't have enough experience. Those are all good reasons I guess. But right now I find myself in an empty apartment, feeling down on myself. No good reason I guess, I'm just feeling lonely.

Why does it bother me when people are exceptionally nice to me? It's either that I can't trust their motives or I feel I don't deserve their kindness. Except that the kindness that is being given to me is the exact kindness that I give to other people, why can't I stand it when it's returned?

Don't look at me world. Why don't I disgust you as much as I disgust myself? Why do you look at me with sympathy and compassion when you should be looking at me with contempt or at best indifference? Why can't you see me as I do? I'm disgusting, I'm repulsive, I'm incapable of love. When I look in the mirror I see wasted potential and shattered dreams. I see desire, I want so much more out of life, I just know I don't deserve it.

I'm sad, but it's that same old sadness. The same deep depression that comes from knowing that I'll never be loved. But it's some how different this time. This time I know that it's mostly my fault. I'm incapable of love and A and M both taught me that. I'm afraid that I'm going to love too much next time or not enough, at the same time I know there's this debilitating nervousness that's keeping me from meeting new people. I don't know, I just spend so much time around couples and I want to be part of one and then there's the part of me that fears it as much as I want it.

Just a thought . . . what's it say about myself confidence that I'm wandering a dating site and dismiss most of the women as too good looking and way out of my league?

It's like a switched was flipped this morning, I woke up and all of the sudden all the appeal of relationships came back to me and I have to say it's crushing. I went from not wanting a relationship, thinking it's not worth the effort and comforting myself by saying that if I really wanted one I could find a relationship to I want a relationship, they will make everything better and knowing that I'll never have one again. I forgot what it was like to feel this crushing loneliness. I could describe what it feels like again, but it's just what I've been feeling all my life. The same sense of isolation, like everyone else has a secret that they're not letting me in on. I know that I don't want to be around couples any more, I just want to be alone so I can loose myself in the loneliness.