I went to church and I still feel empty. I was so inspired when I saw the response that I got, I was at the 9:00 AM service this morning. I still so full empty and devoid of meaning, I know I had some moments of joy and acceptance and I desperately want to hang onto them. They say no matter how much life sucks, rejoice and worship god. I'm just not there yet. I just can't worship someone else when I'm still feeling like such a piece of shit myself. Ugh, I'm so lonely I just want everything to go away and life to get better. Of course how can I know how to make things better when I don't even know what's wrong with life?
On another note, the entire time I was at church I kept on glancing around for someone that I know, maybe cluing me in on who has read my blog for a couple of years. I'm curious. How can someone read who I really am in all my insecurities and irrationalities and still want to talk to me?
1 comment:
your comment "I just can't worship someone else when I'm still feeling like such a piece of shit myself." You do not need to worship him, you need to allow him to love you. And you do not need to go to church only when you are feeling good and have something to give. Going when you feel like shit is the perfect time to go! That's the fantastic thing about it. :-) I am so proud of you for taking a step forward. And while you may have two steps back later this week, that okay. See no matter what you do, there is nothing so bad, and I mean NOTHING, that would stop him from wanting you to come right back. You did say you had some moments. Sometimes we want this big ah ha moment right away that flips this switch and makes everything clear all at once. Now I promise you will have this "moment" though it may not fix it all at once, but it will give you something you can hold onto for the rest of your life that will get you through your most difficult and darkest hours like it did for me on Saturday. It's HOPE and you deserve it regardless of what your inner self tells you at times. Hang in there this week.
Post a Comment