So I'm down 20 lbs since October, I've found God, and I'm three days into Chantix to quit smoking cigarettes. I don't know how all this happened, just a series of weird events that led to self improvement. It certainly wasn't my choice. I would have never chosen to make the things better that I can. It's too simple and not dramatic enough for me. I want some grandiose gesture some sudden spark of realization that will make everything better and find my Happily Ever After. But I don't think one thing will make everything better and Happily Ever After, Love at First Site don't exist.
Somehow I ended up doing all this positive stuff. I end up loosing weight because I'm stressed and broke and simply do not have the money for all the food that I used to eat. Instead I get one meal a day from the money I put into the household food fund, add that to all the stress that I've gone through and suddenly I'm down 20 lbs in six months.
As far as finding God, randomly some stranger who's read my blog for years recommends church and because I had nothing better to do a Sunday morning and once again woke up at the edge of tears, I go. I don't like it the first time, but again I found myself with nothing better to do on a Sunday morning and I go again. And suddenly I realize that I've been looking for somebody to give a damn about me and my problems and, because I can't find it in humanity, I'll indulge a little faith and let myself believe that something out there loves me and cares. It's just filling a whole ripped open unintentionally by my poor stoner parents, but at least the hole is filled.
And finally Chantix. That medical drug that will make everything better. The end of vices in a pill. It's free. It's as simple as that. What can it possibly hurt to take a free pill that didn't cost anything including the doctor's visit? And because it's free is enough reason to take anything,(see Whipits, Coke, my first Perk), why not use that destructive drive for something good.
So I didn't set out to loose 20 lbs, quit smoking and find God, but here I am and I'm still feeling empty. See, no matter how much I improve myself, I'm still lonely. And I know that I need to accept the fact that I'm single and just not feel the loneliness, but when I'm sitting here all alone with nobody to comfort me except my blog, it all comes back.
I don't know.
1 comment:
Wow sounds to me like you have done a lot and need to give yourself a little credit. While you think things may just be random, they are not. God is making a path for you. One of my best friends was a heroin junkie for 10 plus years and one day she just quits, without fanfare and without getting sick. No defining moment, except she realized God loved her. Next thing she knows she is in a motel room and it's been three days and she doesn't feel the need to steal something and buy her drugs. She's been clean now for 20 years. Sounds too simple I know. I mean life gets so complicated it just feels like it has to be complicated to get out of it. Yes accepting your single and are lonely is never easy and I am in no way trying to minimize how empty that feels. So try this. "I need to be single right now to work on myself. I'll give myself two months to make a start, then I'll take a look at dating again" Then your making a choice to be single and your in control. A lot can happen in two months. Just look at what you have accomplished in two weeks! So give yourself a break. You are going to be okay, I promise. When you close your eyes in bed tonight, think about this. You are becoming the man, the husband and the father your suppose to be. While he created the universe in days, us humans need a little more time :-) On a side note my word verification to post this is "wrshp" Looks like "worship" to me. Still think things are random? a little prayer for you right now to give you some peace tonight and let you know how much you are loved. John chapter 15.
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