Why postpone the inevitable if you can never postpone it long enough? The answer: if life is infinately valuable, then every moment of life is just as valuable.

Humanity alone on can perseive the true beauty of it all. Look at what man has accomplished by conquering our animal urges in persuit of raw knowlege.

I have seen the universal truth and have come to a somewhat mundane conclusion: the universe is unfair. I feel that I have been rejected by god.

Other people wouldn't have given up they would have accepted their fate and embraced it. Instead I curl up in my room and cry.

Oh my God, what's wrong with me? I'm sick of trying to figure it out.

Kelly Clarkson has a number one song? Where has popular music gone since I last checked 6 years ago?

". . . the soul is innocent and immortal it should never die . . ."

--Alan Ginsberg

So I was sad and listening to country music. I just want to say that it's a very bad idea. Now I'm crying again and I have to go to work in a few minutes.

I miss my friends. Doing stuff alone is fun, but I'd rather do nothing with friends than adveture alone. And I'd really do nothing with friends than alone.

I was asked today: so you guys gonna go out? Of course not! I'm sick of asking. Here's to being perpetually single :(

The purge begins. Ten days with no chemicals except for caffine and nicotine. It's gonna be hell. The depression is gonna be unprecidented. Will I survive?

I just had a thought. When people get hurt on shows like the Deadliest Catch, it's mother nature fighting back. I say go mother nature.

The worst feeling in the world, well not the worst feeling but a scary feeling none the less: having money but nothing to do with it. Yay I have money to play with but I'm still sitting here bored as Hell wanting someone to hang out with. I'd rather be broke with something to do than to have extra money with nothing to do. There's nothing that I really want, nothing that I need, I got an overly expensive hair cut and it looks good but who cares. Something needs to snap me out of this shit.

What's the point of having a cell phone if I still can't find anybody to hang out with? Seriously what's wrong with me. I'm such a fuck up.

So I've been away for a few days. Grandpa's okay after his 2nd knee surgery and I've stayed with grandma until tonight since he's finally home from the hospital. I don't know why but I've been so goddamned discontent lately and I can't seem to shake it. I don't think I'm that stressed by anything. Work, family, etc. In fact I'm kinda unlonely at the moment. Most of the time I don't want anybody around and all I want to do is hide in my room at wait for tomorrow so I can wake up, go to work, then hide in my room and wait for another tomorrow. I don't know what's wrong or what I need I just know I'm in a sad/mad/irritable/desperate mood lately and I can't shake it. Make I'll make my self go to church this Sunday. That's where the self improvement started so maybe I can find it there again.

The other weird thing is that I find myself crying at every little thing these days. Of course not in front of people but when I'm alone it's all I can do to keep myself from crying. Which by the way I never understood that phrase. What is all you can do? But I digressed. I just want to feel better. And I know this is kinda personal especially because mysterious not-so-strangers read my blog but in the midst of all this angst and depressed I find myself hyper-sexual. Of course it's unfulfilled hyper-sexuality but it's a weird symptom. Any ideas my faithful readers?

A quick Mother's Day thought. I'm not sure if this is true, but this is exactly how I feel right now:

This is from PostSecret. My initial reaction was, no wonder my mom hates me so. It must have been hard for her to loose her little baby when I grew up. Then I realized my mom never wanted love from me, I was always a nuisance and no matter what I did I was never good enough. She was never proud of anything I did, and never encouraged me to do anything to make her proud. From the day I was born I was an embarrassment to her. I was never the popular one in school and she hated me for that. I was never good at sports and I don't think she cared, but growing up I always hoped that if somehow I was transformed into a sports star she might be proud of me.

Or the real situation after having 5 years away from her to distill my resentment: I reminded her of her lost love and she could never love me because every time she looked at me she was reminded of the man who could never love her. Or maybe she was just a looser stoner who had no time for her kids. I'm sure it's not that bad, but those are my secret resentments. I guess not so secret any more.

Happy Mother's Day.

Yeah I didn't think I had a secret admirer, no big deal. I guess I missed the point I was trying to make yesterday about how there's potential Happily Ever After everywhere. I see it everywhere, but the affect of that is I get my hopes up and then I get rejected again and again. So seeing Happily Ever After everywhere is actually living in a constant state of rejection.

You say I'm always there for a friend, of course I am. I'm constantly seeking approval. Doing stuff for people and being there in crisis is an easy fix for that. See I'm selfish for being there for people all the time because I'm just fulfilling my own emotional needs. And when I actually need a friend there are very few who are there for me in real life. Of course, it's not like I ever seek the other end of the friendship. It almost all circumstances I'd rather go hide for a while until my emotions are in check enough to function and then if anybody's interested I'll lie and say it's no big deal. It's just easier that way instead of hoping someone will care about my problems and being disappointed. And then if they do, I'd rather not spill all my problems to anyone because nobody cares. But I understand why nobody cares and I feel no resentment for them.

Or at least I can distill all my emotions into a little vial of suppression and hide it behind the routine of daily life.

So I'm curious my Anonymous commentators. Does that last comment left mean that I have a secret admirer reading my blog? Probably not, but there is this girl that stares me right in the face all day . . . alas, like always, I grasp at straws.

Today I sat down to type an entry about how God has abandoned me right after he shows me his light and then I read that last comment and somehow it made me feel a little better. Or at least a little less bitter.

Still, I grasp at straws. Every girl (and for whatever reason I still cannot say woman when talking about potential relationships) that looks at me twice or smiles at me or spends few minutes talking to me is my potential happily ever after. You're right, maybe I'll spend so much time looking for it that I won't see it when it slaps me in the face.

Still I get nowhere and I'm left alone.

I'm sorry.