So yeah I'm back. I tried to kill this blog many times before. I tried to start new ones, but this is the one that stuck. Just a quick update on my life. Not need to talk about where I've been, though there will be that someday maybe. 63 days ago, I hit my rock bottom, hopefully my last rock bottom. I used up Albany and I found myself in Salem. I found this thing called The Program, and it turned my life around. Life is so much better in so many ways. But all I really want to talk about is this amazing woman I met. Can you believe it? After all the years of trying to find my Happily Ever After, she finds me and she's better than anything I ever dreamed to hope for. So much I want to say about her. I only met her a week ago (happy one week anniversary, wtf?). She is smart, beautiful, confident and pure woman. She is everything I never dreamed to hope for. She has the looks of Drew Barrymore, the passionate, sexy voice of Julia Styles in 10 Things I hate about you, the bohemian spirit of Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine and the utter self assurance of Hillary Clinton. The trouble is, she's completely fucking nuts. She kind of has to be. She knows me. She knows all the dark side of me, well not all of it, but enough and the worst of it, she knows I'm a recovering meth, food addict with barely 2 months clean working a recovery program attached to a homeless shelter and she even knows what I look like and how much I weigh. She sees all the bad and somehow, with all her beauty, it completely head over heals, into me without ever having met me. I trust her more than I should and suddenly that this is all on paper, I'm scared to death. Somewhere in the 2 days, I lost the disconnect that I had with her. The buffer in my heart that kept her from feeling too real. I learned to trust her, to belive that this is real. The loyal readers of my blog (all 2 of you, or 1, or none [are you still with me Jamie]) will know that I spent 5 years of angst pouring my heart into this blog over every crush and every date and every girl that looked twice at me, longing for a dream that doesn't begin to meet my apparent new reality. So this is a huge gamble for me. If this is real, this could be happiness I never thought possible. If it isn't. I will get hurt. And that's okay. Because now I have faith. I have faith in God, and my program, and my support system, and all the new people in my life, that I will be able to take the hurt and I will not go back to drugs. Never. No matter what. So yeah, this is a risk, a big risk, but I was never one to shy away from a big gamble. A broken heart waged against unimaginable bliss. I can survive a broken heart, I'm so ready to take this gamble.
Oh and Jill (yeah she has a name). I know you're going to read this, in fact I plan to send you a link to this, but I want you to know that this is not a letter to you. My blog has always been for me. This is so take an emotional snap shot at this point in time. Whatever happens, I want to know this is how I felt right now. The fact that you're reading this, shows how much I trust you. I still think you're crazy though :P
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