Disclaimer as per usual: This is not a letter to Jill. She will be reading it because I trust her to love it no matter what I write, but as always, this is an emotional snap shot. Time to work through issues. To put thoughts to paper (kinda) and yeah, never mind. The temptress has me distracted.
I am so enamored. She has my attention always. We joked days ago (seems so long ago) that she will always have the majority share of my attention, but now it's usually at least 90% unless a good friend needs me or I'm in class or lost in prayer or hymns. Though adimently most of my prayers are about her. I pray to make her strong, to be the strong man she needs me to be. I pray to meet her some day, soon hopfully. I pray that she's real and not a cruel joke. And this is where I start to feel bad. She is so incredibly in so many ways that to quote the bible, the world itself could not contain all the ways she is special to me if I wrote them down. And yet, at night when I'm alone, I'm sometimes scared. I'm afraid that if she knew how scared I was, how insecure, I might lose her. I don't want to lose her anymore. I know it's better to have loved and lost, etc. but I don't want to know what it feels like to lose this and the thought terrifies me sometimes. She knows all the big dark things about me, but what if I stumble upon something small and dark that is a deal breaker for her?
And now I just heard her voice.
That's just to see how she changes me. Now I feel incredible. Happy. I walked taller back into the library. She told me not to let this be a letter to her, but it is at least partially. I am my main audience in this writing, but so are my readers and at the moment she is my favorite and most dedicated fan. My fan girl. Can you believe that I have fan girls (besides my Kiwi Princess, sorry Jaime, you've been replaced). Okay. Now I can breathe. The insecurities are all but forgotten. They are there. I think they always will be. What's great is that she used to be as insecure as I was 2 months ago, 2 years ago. Oh, btw, 66 days clean! I rock! And that brings me to another random subject change.
Yesterday I talked to Val. I don't know if you (my readers) know who Val is, but I know and this means a lot to me. She is the one I relapsed with time and time and time again. Always with her. When I first tried to get sober, I got 90 something days. I was spending the weekend with her and the voices were screaming, I wandered into a church and was sitting in the corner, crying, praying to God for help. And the elders after the service came to me and asked me what was wrong and I spilled out my life to them. I told them I'd been up for days and the voices were torturing me and they prayed over me and God touched me and they were gone. That was the first time I made the decision to quit and I went home and I threw away my pipes and I was clean for 90+ days. Val was there for that decision and there when I decided that I couldn't take the pain of life. Val was there when I went into in patient rehab 2 years ago and got 100+ days clean and she was there when I came out with a loaded pipe to welcome me home. She was there for all the 30 day tags, and there when I changed my mind every time. Don't get me wrong. She never forced me to do anything. She never offered directly to help me relapse, but she never told me no more than once either and she never hesitated to let me know that it was an option. Still not her fault. Always my decision. Anyway, since I've been up in Salem, I've been wanting to show off the new me. The feels me. I wanted to show off my new confidence and show off my cute new friend and show her the pic of the woman that has my heart and whos heart I seem to have as well. We were planning on hanging out tomorrow, but I asked Rachel (my friend) to come with me to remind me of how far I came and she made me realize that I'm not ready to be around Val right now. I want to be. I love Val as one of my longest friends, I used to say my only true friend. My day to day friend. So many good memories with her. But now I have too much to lose. Not just Jill. She is the icing on my cake. What makes me sweet and too sweet for some. (personally, I scrape icing off my cake usually, in reality and metaphorically.) I have my family back. And I'm a better brother, son, grandson, uncle, nephew, cousin, all my titles, I'm earning for the first time in my life. I know the true meaning of friendship. I know what it means to be a friend and to have friends. Today in class, I was okay leading the discussion. I trusted myself to know that I'm asking all the right questions. Lately people have been coming to me and confiding in me, I am the me I always wanted to be and more of the me I always was. And I refuse to lose that. Period. I will not give any of it up. Not a single thing of the new me and my new life. I was always so reluctant to give Val up, maybe it was needing to know that if life got too painful I could always go back. Now I know that no matter how dark and how painful life gets, it will never be worth compromising it for a momentary relief from Meth.
To be honest, I long for the days when I can drink a cold beer on a hot day. A strong Tom Collins in the dog days of summer as the sun goes down, my woman beside me, losing myself in all the joys of life. But I know alcohol is dangerous to me too. I quit meth for over a year once and switched to alcohol to relieve my pain. So maybe someday, maybe never, but I'm okay with that. If alcohol could possibly lead back to drugs, I won't do it. This is getting to be a book so now I will stop.
A note to Jill (and for me to remember what it's like to talk to her right now): I know I promised you an exploration of romance and the erotic connect, but that is for your eyes only.
Good day to you my faithful readers. To my future self: I am so happy right now. If life gets dark, please don't forget this feeling. You are strong. And in this moment, I love who you are. No matter what else happens. Right now. Today. I am happy. Please never forget that.
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