Am I ready for a Relationship?

That's a good question, and I would have to say yes. I was ready for a relationship in middle school and high school and then at Job Corps where I spent 14 months of my life in a place where guys out numbered girls 3 to 1.

Now I can understand that I need self confidence and platonic relationships before I can seriously pursue a relationship. But I've had platonic relationships, hell I have platonic relationships with girls. "A" is a good friend, or at least I like to think of her as one even though the correct definition would probably be casual friend or good acquaintance. And I have other friends too, well maybe just one right now, but I've had friends in the past. Growing up I moved around too much to keep a big circle of friends, but where ever I went I always made a few good ones.

As far as self confidence goes, I won't lie to myself, I have extremely low self confidence. At 292 pounds what can I expect from myself. But that's something I can hide for a few hours at a time and pretend to be a normal person. Of course if somebody does hang out with me more than a few times I let my real self show through. I've always thought that if I start with a relationship and then confidence will come from that.

And I know I'm desperate, I'm getting more and more desperate and the years pass and I'm still alone and single. I guess this same theme comes up every summer as I approach my birthday (August 19th) and know that this year I failed at my life's goal again. Of course it doesn't help that every time I go to a family function everybody asks me if I've got a girlfriend yet. I want to scream at them: "Of course I haven't got a girlfriend! It's the same answer that you got when you asked when I turned 13 and it's the same answer you'll get when I turn 22!"

I guess I don't feel that I can get on with my life and pursue other goals until I loose my purity (yes virginity, but virginity sounds so ugly, purity makes it seem like I've had a choice in the matter). I know it's bad to say this, but I don't think I can ever measure up to another person until I've had a relationship. Deep down I'll always feel inferior to everybody until I've had a connection with somebody else.

So that's what it boils down to, I can never be in a relationship until I get more confident, and I can never be any more confident until I've been in a relationship. I know that shows that there is something seriously wrong with the way I view the world, but for the first time, even in this blog, I am being truly honest with myself.

For what's it's worth, and this is just trying to justify all my failed attempts at relationships, I can pretend to be self confident. I can put on a mask and pretend that I don't feel like I don't measure up to the rest of the world. I think I wear that mask fairly well, and every time I fail on an attempt at a a relationship, I think back on the whole experience and pick out what I did wrong, so I can fix it next time. Dating and relationships have been more of an academic pursuit for me than an emotional journey ever since the end of high school. In high school, I think I was just too naive to realize that I was making all these mistakes. This is rambling, the point is, I can pretend to be confident long enough not to make a horrible first impression.

And one more thing before I end this very long post, I do judge people. The line about that girl being "semi-attractive if overweight" is how I felt about her. Coming from me, that's the best I've felt about a girl that I thought was obtainable since high school.

So this rant didn't resolve anything, but it did bring to light some of my biggest character flaws. So much for self confidence.

*sigh* I'm not feeling emotional enough tonight to type a lot, but I'm bored and I'm sick of my roommate and his girlfriend. It's one thing to be perpetually pure, but whenever his girlfriend is over it's rubbed in my face.

What's worse, I can't attribute my loneliness to lack of trying. I am out there looking for girls. I'm only 21, but I post a personal add every two weeks and I check three regions of craigs list's personal adds and missed connections twice a day.

Like last week, I replied to a personal add and I got a date. It was just coffee but it was fun. The girl seemed normal and smart and semi-attractive if overweight. I asked for a second date through e-mail yesterday afternoon and I still haven't received a response. I guess any girl that I can be attracted to can never be attracted to me.

There I go again living life in blacks and whites, but there's never been any gray areas for me. Life has always been good or bad, people have either been best friends or worst enemies. I'm not one for causual aquaintences. Ugh, who cares.

I know these following thoughts are irrational and break every man law in existence, but here they are anyway. My roommate got a girlfriend and now they take over the couch every night relegating me to wander the Internet in search of something, anything to kill my resentment. Last night they came in and said they're going to watch a movie, even though I was about four minutes from The Daily Show. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it really does. It was one thing to sacrifice the couch so somebody else could get laid even as I still dwell in the land of the perpetually pure, but now that the same girl is here every night and he doesn't even fuck her every night and it's getting to be a huge inconvenience.

What am I supposed to do? If I say something to him I look like a whiny little bitch, if I don't I stew in my resentment and I start saying things that won't be forgiven.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will be released on the west coast in less than seven hours. I'm not sure if I want this post to be about the books or my journey with them. What I'm silently concerned about is if my obsessive fandom is

All your life you're told to be yourself but what happens when you realize nobody likes the real you? Then you realize that in your quest for the real you, you've lost the will to be anything else. I guess that's the point that you come to the inevitable conclusion that you will be alone for the rest of your miserable existence. That your social ineptness is simply not something that can be compensated for.

You know that even in the depths of your whining monologue that somebody will come along again. And you know that when somebody new comes along you will again find some way to sabotage it.

I'm sitting at the computer begging the universe for something to do. My life go stagnant so I decided to go into a self improvement kick, and I've actually stayed off soda since Thursday. The trouble is, even when I loose a hundred pounds (and I know I'll do it eventually) and I'm back to my idea weight buying clothes at normal stores again, I'll still be left alone. I don't think better looks will necessarily improve my situation, it seems I had better looks in high school and it didn't get me very far. But I always said that if I had the knowledge of today with the looks of five years ago than I would be able to get a girlfriend. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't, but finally I get to try. Another weird accomplishment, I ate a normal sized meal: three scrambled eggs, two pieces of rye toast and a big glass of milk, and I was full. I haven't been full off of that in a long time. Now the key is to keep it going. I don't have big elaborate goals for myself right away, I have the eventual goal of reaching two hundred pounds, but I need to focus on one thing at a time. So I'm no longer eating within two hours of bed, and I haven't had a soda except for a half a glass first thing in the morning since Thursday. I know nobody cares, and I should really stop talking about it, but for the first time in a while I feel . . . . what do I feel, validated? No not validated, normal? No, no that either. I guess I just feel proud of myself, like I'm worthy of something that I wasn't worthy of before.

Two posts in a row, who knew that I had so much time on my hands. Anyway, today is going to be a change of pace. I've recently discovered bit torrents and now I'm able to download all those movies that I always meant to see. I think my summer project after the Harry Potter thing dies down will be to see AFI's top 100 movies. So today I started with Citizen Kane. With out further rambles from an intoxicated mind, here are my thoughts on the movie:

The first thing I noticed about Citizen Kane is that this is a beautiful film. I love the camera angles, low points in Kane's life shot from low angles, like the camera is on the floor. Aside from the camera angles I found that black and white film provides for ambiance that I've never seen in color film.

Okay, so it's a great movie and that was my attempt to remember how to write. I guess I forgot more than I thought. Anyway, it was a beautiful movie with rich characters and an engaging plot. The trouble is, the entire movie is set in turn of the century America. I'm sorry, but I simply cannot identify with these characters. Sure they're polite and honorable, but they're but another reminder of what society has become. Ruthless hedonists run our country and our freedoms rotting away like trash abandoned on the expressway to Hell.

My little sister's asked about me this morning and what I was doing for the 4th of July. The thought of somebody caring enough about me to ask what I was doing on a holiday really put tears to my eyes. I know it's not true, but it hit that I have zero self confidence. I'm confident in what I do, but not in myself. My self immage is of a fat, ugly looser with a bad attitude that nobody can tollerate. I know this is a false immage, but it must be what I really am or else it wouldn't put tears to my eyes simply because my sister's asked what I was doing. *sigh* It's okay though, because I cannot cry under any circumstances. Crying as an almost 22 year old man is simply unacceptable. If there's somebody out there reading this please leave a comment so I know that somebody give a fuck.

What if in an instant all your financial obligations were taken care of and money no longer became an issue? What would you be left with? That sinking feeling that this is all just pointless. We all learn in high school science that in nature the purpose of life is to create more life. My real father created me and then died 14 years later, a victim to alcohol, without ever coming to my rescue. These are just random thought of a lonely mind. I ask you, is there anybody out there? Friends let you down and as I get older and older with my purity still in tact I realize that sex is not worth it. So what motivation do I have to keep going? What gets me up every morning to go to work? I have no goals in life, I have no purpose, the reason I go to work is simple. I go because I have to. I'm not prepared to face the consequences of not going to work. And even if I didn't go to work, I would still sit around and left life pass me by. So I ask again:

What's the point of anything?

I know it's been almost a month since I've last posted, and honestly I don't know why I bother. Right now I'm sitting at home all alone, bored to death, though I have plenty to do. It's amazing, I have PS2, XBox 360, a huge selection of movies and a fast computer with the entire Internet open to me, and I'm sitting here feeling so goddamed lonely. I know I've written about loneliness a hundred times in this blog and if there is anybody left out there who reads this, I'm sure you don't care anymore. Hell, I don't even care any more. What's scary is that as sad and lonely as I feel right now, I can't think of a single thing that would lift me out of this depression that wouldn't send me into a deeper one in a few hours. I guess I can sit here alone and get drunk, but intoxication is slowly loosing it's appeal to me. Life seems too short and even if I could live forever, there would still be no point. God I'm so sorry on so many levels for so many things. I don't know any more. Is there anybody out there that cares about my poor lonely soul, or have I burned all those bridges? And even if there was somebody out there who cared, would it really make a difference? *sigh* Maybe I will get drunk and drown in a pool of my own vomit. I'm sure that won't really happen, but for the first time in a long time that seems just as appealing as anything else. Maybe it's simply a lack of weed. Maybe I'm so addicted to that supposedly non-addictive substance that I feel suicidal without it? Or maybe the reason I'm feeling depressed is that my roommate still isn't home. I know I'm not his baby sitter and he's not accountable to me, but it would sure be nice to talk to someone right now. Really anyone would do. I've been burying myself ion Harry Potter for the past few months living in a fantasy world, but it seems that the world I escape to is just as hollow and unfufilling as the world I escape from. Oh I don't know, maybe a drink would do me good. I think I'll try that and get back to you guys in a few minutes if that doesn't help.