I went to church and I still feel empty. I was so inspired when I saw the response that I got, I was at the 9:00 AM service this morning. I still so full empty and devoid of meaning, I know I had some moments of joy and acceptance and I desperately want to hang onto them. They say no matter how much life sucks, rejoice and worship god. I'm just not there yet. I just can't worship someone else when I'm still feeling like such a piece of shit myself. Ugh, I'm so lonely I just want everything to go away and life to get better. Of course how can I know how to make things better when I don't even know what's wrong with life?

On another note, the entire time I was at church I kept on glancing around for someone that I know, maybe cluing me in on who has read my blog for a couple of years. I'm curious. How can someone read who I really am in all my insecurities and irrationalities and still want to talk to me?

Somebody comment!!! It's been over two months since anybody has commented on this. I swear my life is getting interesting. The Mh thing heats up and cools down, relational osmosis? I want something more, she doesn't. Happily ever after is forever beyond my grasp, somebody, please, tell me it's going to be okay. That's all I want. The same thing I give to anybody that's stressed out, I just want somebody to tell me "it's going to be okay" and no telling myself that is not enough, for whatever disturbed reason, I'm not good enough to judge if something will all be okay. Ugh. Somebody please though, just say hi here. You'll make the day of a lonely stoner.

This is post number 300!! Nothing to say in it, life is life and it still sucks, but 300 posts later and I'm still alive. Who knew? How many times have I come to this blog on the edge of suicide? And now look at me, not much further from the edge, but I haven't gone over yet. In other more exciting news, Watchmen is the best thing ever. Where has it been all my life? Not much to say, but that's what happens when I try to write when I'm not emotional. Here's to 300 more posts without falling off the edge.

I need someone to start my life with, but who cares? Who cares that I have so much to offer a girl, who cares if there's somebody out there for everyone. Except for those people who die alone and miserable with their family all dead and keep cats for company. Of course I'm going to end up like that. I'm never going to find anybody. Even if I did find somebody I won't know what to do with them. Well maybe I will. I think I'm at a point in my life where I really could be good in a relationship. I finally understand how they work. You have to get to know someone first, date people that you can see spending all your time with instead of girls that are good for fun. I want all of that. I want my happily ever after. I'm sick of being a bachelor. I want a wife and kids and a job and a house and a nice car. I want to take vacations with the kids and grow old with someone. All my dreams of adventure are finally dead. I just want what everyone else has. I'm tired of living like this. Desperately trying to distract myself from the inevitable at any cost. Because as soon as I have any time to think at all, I dwell on the fact that I will most likely die alone. I'm constantly reading or watching TV or doodling in Power Point at work. I can never let my mind stay idle because if I do I'm left alone with my own obsessive thoughts. Why can't I be normal? Why do I have to constantly talk myself down from panic attacks? I just want to be normal. Please God give my Happily Ever After and the American dream. Give me what everyone else has. I know it's not the solution to all of my problems, it's just the start of the solution. I'm sick of disappointing my family that I'm not married, I still don't have a steady girlfriend, that's all they want out of me and I can't even give them that. I'm such a failure. I'm never going to amount to anything and everyone knows it, especially me. I don't know why I keep going except for it's better than the alternative.

Just a little reminder to myself the next time I'm feeling obsessive. When my mind is going over the same piece of information over and over again, trying desperately to feed some irrational need, smoke a bowl. When it's an endless cycle of self hate swirling through your mind, smoke more weed, and when you feel guilty, smoke weed.

I quit, I'm mother fucking done. When a friendship can be changed in an instant by an accident, it's all so fragile. Why hope for anything more out of life than debt ridden obscurity? Why can life go from a moment of clarity so Divine like seeing love how it really is, rather than what I wanted it to be, to oh my god, look what I did. I didn't mean to, I bumped into a table with something valuable on it and a water filled vase. The vase spilled and the valuable is ruined. All of the sudden, I'm even more broke than I was before. All I want is my happily ever after, why is that too much to ask?

Another random adventure in poetry. This situation is just a bit too complex to be put into coherent thought. So here it is:

Subtlety

by JF

It wasn't supposed to get like this.
It should have been,
friends being friends,
without tension.
The tension:
like so much else in life,
inevitable.
Time spent alone with each other.
Words said,
and not.
Swimming in subtlety.
I thought they were above it all.
They they say:
"You're good at catching the subtle hints,"
as they gaze deep into my blood shot eyes.
At bad attempt at humor?
An innocent comment?
Probably nothing.
Maybe everything.
Why can't I see it as it should be?
Friends being friends.
Without tension.

Falling for her? Really? She was supposed to be different. The new friend with L Disease where relationships, love, together never came into question. These feelings could be natural. Like with A, conflicting feelings of affection and physical attraction. Maybe they're nothing and I'm trying to push away a friend; maybe their everything and I'm trying to push away something more.

So it's come to my attention that the sanctity of my blog has been compromised. I started the blog as a chronicle of my assent to greatness or my decent to madness. I thought it would be just an occasional post saying how I'm doing and greeting the world. Instead it turned into nothing less than my constant companion. And the thoughts got really personal. I used to use initials for names during my rantings and lately I've gotten lazy. Apparently, somebody searching for their name stumbled upon my blog.

I'm sorry. I'm sure I've said some really offensive things to people assuming, naively, that what I was saying was private. I'm sorry. I have explanations for it all if you're interested. So right for right now all new entries will be saved as drafts and some of my more private thoughts will saved as drafts. If you're interested, please e-mail me at oblivions_abyss@yahoo.com . I will respond to all questions and open up even the darkest part of my soul to those who choose to explore it.

So let's start February a little more whimsically . . .

I am freeing myself from my Spac-ial bondage!

So I was sitting here wandering my normal Sunday morning sites, PostSecret, MySpace, Yahoo!, and I realized, I'm sick of MySpace. It's too much information, is there no such thing as privacy any more. Does anybody want privacy any more. I'm talking about status messages, it's a constant beacon of about life to everyone you know. I don't know why, but it seems like that should be a bad thing. Anyways, as of today, I will not check my MySpace for a week. I know I'll be tempted, but like the Jews in the desert (yeah I know it was Jesus, but I like the Jews better), I shall resist temptation and triumph over evil. This is day one of my quest!