So Z just told me they missed me and I know I'm looking way too far into it, but wow it brought tears to my eyes. Not that I would ever tell them what it meant, but still it's amazing to be loved in life :)

So I've spent today redoing my Plenty of Fish profile and it looks as good as it's gonna get. The only trouble is, as I'm going through all they girls' profiles, even being picky, I just see disappointment. So maybe I'm not quite ready for the relationship that I think I am. Maybe I should be happy with the amazing friends that I have. Because it'd be a lot easier than going through the whole bull shit relationship thing again only to end up sitting here crying my eyes out to nobody and everybody. I don't want to do this again. But, I do want to do this again. I want it bad, your bad romance . . .

So after a brief singing interlude, all better :)

So Lonely! I can't believe that I'm still writing about the same shit that I've been writing about since high school, but OMG, I just can't get over it. But that's just the reason that got me here today. What I really need to talk about is Z. Well I guess it's a who and not a what, and for now Z will just be Z. Besides a really annoying letter to type, Z is my best friend.

She's taught me the depths of friendship, the limitless nature of platonic love, and most importantly, no matter how much I sometimes want that line between platonic and passionate love to blur, it can never be. I wish there was more to say, there is a lot more to say. I love her, I Love her, I LOVE her. She's my most important friend in the world, maybe because I like to think that I'm her most important friend in the world. I don't know what I want or need from her. I don't know what she wants or needs from me. I just know that I can be there for her when she needs me as much as she needs me to be. I know that I'm learning the next lesson in friendship from her that Shane and Opal started back in Job Corps. I know that she's beautiful, and smart and sweet and an amazing friend, and that I would do anything from her and not expect a single thing in return. I know that unlike almost anyone else, she will never use me. Blah, I CAN'T PUT THIS INTO WORDS!!!!

This is so frustrating! This is where I go to make sense of everything, and I can't. I'm a failure as a writer and as a friend. Maybe this is finally the end?

Jamie, are you okay??????

Just read about the earthquakes in New Zealand and my favorite commentor is from New Zealand, so do me a favor and tell me you're okay when you get a chance :)

So I know this blog will be really famous after I die. It's the middle of the night and I wasn't thinking about suicide, but Post Secret put in on my mind. And I admit, I'm morbid, I've read some suicide notes online and they're so uninspired. When I write mine, it's going to be the best piece of writing that I'll ever do. It will make me famous and it won't matter because I'm dead, but isn't that the entire point of writing here, so there's some record of me after I die. Isn't that the reason that slowly over the past 6 years or so I've been able to . . . never mind.

I can't go on that subject between the hours of 3 and 4 AM, especially a Saturday night. Since I don't exactly have religion, I have spirituality and superstition. And I don't know what it is about being at my grandparents place, but it seems like the veil between the land of the living and the land of the dead is thinner here than it is elsewhere. I mean, it's down right creepy. There are always things out of the corner of my here that I don't get at home, and weird noises, nothing overt, but god that mirror across from my bed here. . . scary. So I don't think I'll be talking about death quite yet.

So what do I want to write about then? I don't know, I just want to write. I want to create something. But not right now, because it really is 3:40 in the morning and nothing I write will be all that comprehensible.

At this moment I do not hate, I do not fear, I am alive.

Is my blog dying? I hope not. Too many tears have been shed at too many computers for this to fizzle out. So much of what makes me, me is here. It's what's kept me writing since high school. And you know what, way too many of my posts here have been about blogs. So I'm gonna do a quick three minute free write about anything other than this blog.

Update . . . I'm now living with stable roommates in a not quite healthy environment where alcoholism socially acceptable and the dreaded "white dope" is everywhere. Not that I would ever partake in the latter, but most days, I'm drinking well before noon. I know what everyone will say. You're an alcoholic. All I have to say to you is . . . DUH! Of course I'm an alcoholic. But considering everything else that I could be, isn't alcoholic fairly mild. I mean if it was good enough for my father, it should be good enough for me. Maybe the reason I'm drawn so much towards alcohol is because that's a small connection to my father. Which considering I never met the guy, I shouldn't spend so much time thinking about him.

So now I'm going to attempt to find an interesting way to end this post. Fine then, I'll just end it how I want to end it. With something so important that it deserves it's own line.

I still miss Signal and I hate, I Hate, I HATE Kandi and Thor (previously known as KT).

So it's been a while and life's been . . . well life. A new girl, a new obsession, another chance at utter and complete failure. Friends are still being friends, and I really do have amazing friends, but sometimes I can't be the friend that I want to be because I want so much more from the relationship. Alas, thanks to friends, I now know that I can't really change those feelings, but I need to try. Oh, and I'm unemployed again and succumbing, not so slowly to alcoholism. What's funny is that I'm more concerned about the girl situation than I am about my own. Actually, that's not really funny, it's probably pretty unhealthy. I mean, I'm sitting here at the unemployment office, I've filled out a grand total of one application this week and I'm still thinking about Sarah? *sigh*

This is it! Who knew that it would come down to a single act of impulse? A single act of revenge. What I'm about to do I'm doing because of . . . never mind, damn you blog for taking me from the edge of suicide again. Fuck you!

It's been so long since I've cried sober. But right now I woke up on the edge of tears. I am so lonely right now, and I know I have no right to want anybody right now because I'd be nothing but a burden to them with all my issues. I just want to crawl into bed, but the covers over my head and hide from the world. At least in my dreams I'm never alone.

Decisions, decisions, decisions . . . where am I going to live? I'm not sure what my gut is saying, I don't know where my heart is in the situation, logically it's an even split. It's only in the irrationals that my indecisiveness lies . . .