I'm feeling vulnerable and lonely right now like I want somebody to make me feel better. I know it's the chemicals leaving my body. I have to be careful not to be unnaturally needy and push away my friends that may normally have cared.

Ah, a blank page. An invitation to spill my soul yet again to the universe. Right now, for the first time in a while I come here not to lament about my family, but to talk about my 'best friend'. I've only known a little more than a year now. Like most of my female friends, she started as a crush. Then I told her about it and she said we could be really good friends, but nothing more. I'm sure I've written this story before.

So last night after a period of staleness in our friendship caused by something that was neither of our faults, I went over there and babysat for her. Nothing new or exciting about that. But she was only gone for an hour or so and I stuck around to finish the movie I started. "Hitch" if you're curious. But she came back from the bar, where she went to see her new interest. And she comes back and tells me how wonderful this new guy is, etc. She says she can spend a night with him just kissing and how she just loves to be around him. Great, I'm happy for her, etc. Or so I tell her, and we both almost believe it. We both know that it breaks my heart every time she talks about the new guy.

Maybe she doesn't know quite how hard it is for me every time she goes from miserably single to happily un-single. Maybe she doesn't know quite how much I long for that one kiss that will tell us if we're meant to be. Maybe she doesn't want to know. Or maybe she does know and it breaks her heart a little bit every time she has to be my friend instead of my lover. Not that I would want it most of the time. Most of the time, I'm happy to be her best friend. Most of the time I'm happy that I have that much more love in my life just because she's in it. Most of the time I'm happy to be the constant male figure in her kids life when so many come and go.

Except last night, I wasn't. And I'm sure tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day I'll be happy to be Happily-Ever-After-Sans-Sex. Last night I wasn't. Not the sex part. I may be turning into that asexual person that I wanted to avoid. I saw her in her bra yesterday and I almost didn't flinch. I almost didn't notice her low cut shirt and dancer's body. I almost didn't long.

But I did, and my veil of self delusion was parted for a while. And I faked it. I faked being happy for the fact that she may have found another guy of her dreams. And we both almost believed it.

But I have a confession. The reason I wasn't happy for her isn't because I want anything than the beautiful friendship that we have (well except for the kiss). The reason I wasn't happy or her is because I can't stand to see her hurt again. Every time she breaks up with a guy (and there's been five or six since I've known her) she cries, and angels shouldn't cry. I know she isn't perfect, nobody is. I know she's bitchy and needy and just too blunt sometimes, but she's good. She's a rare example of pure good in this world. She's never selfish, except maybe in holding onto our friendship when it sometimes it's obvious to both of us that it isn't good anymore.

But she's the best friend I've ever had (and I know I don't fill that same role with her, but that's okay too). There's nothing that makes me happier than a good morning text from her, which she's done every morning for the past year practically. Sometimes it wakes up from a hung over stooper, but there's no one I'd rather wake up to.

Funny, that last paragraph was supposed to be the reasons why we can only be friends. The only reason we can't be friends: I don't want to get hurt, she doesn't want to hurt me, I don't want to hurt her, she doesn't want to be hurt.

Or maybe it's more simple than that. Maybe it comes down to her being the hottie with the dancer's body and the smile that has captured many a man's soul, and I'm the fat kid with the big heart that learns to be the best friend so he isn't alone, but will never be good enough for Happily Ever After.

So much for "Hitch". I guess the fat boy only gets the girl in movies. Maybe I should stop living in fairy tails.

I killed the family tonight. This family has been dieing for a long time, but today I killed it for good. Family has always been such a huge part of my life, one of the primary virtues that I look at in myself that makes me, me. And I killed it. I don't know what came over me, but I was having a great day with my family. Parade, BBQ, birthday party, all so much fun. And then because my uncle made comments about me that struck too close to home and because my grandmother defended me, I lashed out at him. When it was all done, I went outside, screamed "What did you do to turn your son into a Chi-Mo?" And the fight was on. He got into my face, looked like he was gonna hit me. His wife got into my face. My little sister started crying I asked her "why the fuck are you crying?" My step-dad got into it, even though I tried today to kiss his ass. I tried today to kiss everyone's ass. I kept it in all day long, and it wasn't good enough. I don't know where it came from, I don't know how to fix it. It was all going so good, until I was sitting at the computer and something possessed me to go out there and start the fight that ended the family. I have no idea where it came from. And now, the family is dead and it's my fault. There will be no more BBQ's, no more birthday parties, no more anything. I told my uncle that I hope he fucking dies when he goes into back surgery later this month. What if he does? What if he goes into that surgery and he dies and we haven't made up? What if I never talk to my sisters again? You know, he said, "Why don't you do us all a favor and go kill yourself." What if I do? Then I win. That's all it would take to win this. Yeah, it'd be selfish and it would hurt my little sister forever, but maybe it will turn her into a better person in the long run. I know me being in her life as I am, isn't making it any better. I know me being part of this family right now, isn't making the family any better.

At what point in life do stop waiting to live and start waiting to die? At this point, I'm just waiting for it to all end. In the mean time, I'll take what pleasure I can get out of life.

When did holding hands with a girl stop giving me butterflies? When did a kiss become just a kiss? This isn't because of anything that happened, more it has to do with an episode of That 70's Show when Fez holds the hand of a pretty girl and that's all there is. I remember that walk with Ashley all those years ago. All the way from Lebanon to Waterloo and I held her hand it that was simply the most romantic and perfect night of my life. I was 18! I kept my innocence longer than most. Then, last year, my friends told me my innocence is part of my appeal. So what do I do? I lost it as quickly as I could. I miss the old me.

God, please, please, please for the sake of my mother on mother's day, grant me the strength to survive my family.

God help me please. I'm in a hostile environment with no allies. I can't get away. There's no escape. I have to tolerate it. I promise I won't be here again. I'm done with my family. I'm done with it all. A Step Towards Oblivion, let's talk about a step towards oblivion. It's been a long time since I've been this close to suicide. I really just want it to end. Yeah, I could pull myself out of this, but I don't want to put in the effort. God help me please. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I just don't want to live. I really don't want to live. There's nobody on my side anymore. That's okay. This won't last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Tonight, I compose my final goodbye and if it still seems like there's no escape, no alternative. If tomorrow isn't any better, then fuck it. Let's end it. I don't want it. I don't want to live. I don't want to breathe. I just want to end it. It has to end somewhere. I'm never going to get happily ever after. There's no such thing. How long have people been telling me that. I don't deserve a family. Why would I want to pass on my wisdom to the next generation. There's nothing to pass on except for cynicism and pain. Nobody likes me, nobody loves me. Those who think they love me, don't know the real me. That's okay, on Wednesday, I can take my car to a secluded spot, hopefully somewhere with a view of the sunset, tape a hose to my exhaust, put the other end through my window, then tape up the window. Turn on the car and bam, a few minutes, a few hours later, and goodbye. It's that simple. The question is, who would stop me? Sometimes I wish I was crazy enough to be put in an institution. I know if I actually tried this (and I so want to) I would get put away. Hopefully I end it. I fall asleep and never wake up, and fuck the world.

Does nobody appreciate my issue with life? Does nobody grasp how life altering a single night can be? I know it's common, Charlie Sheen tells me one night stands are the norm, but you would think my friends would have something nice to say to make me feel all better . . . but now, I'm ignored, I cry alone . . . and I'm mocked even by those who are supposed to care. Whatever, in the end, like always, I sleep alone. I am alone. Forever.

I have come to the conclusion that you should never have sex without a relationship, nor the other way around. It was a fun night, it was passionate. But 2 days later, I'm left thinking that I want that passion again. I don't really care if we'd actually get along outside of intoxication . . . so maybe what I'm looking for is a fuck buddy? Imagine Z with sex but no relationship, and still keeping the most amazing friendship I've ever had. Of course, I'm about to loose that friendship. I miss her too much. I'm jealous of her boyfriend because he's taking all her time. She doesn't come to me at all for anything. When I try to go to her she's just not there like I want her to be. Same with S. She's got a new boyfriend too *rolls eyes*. Of course this one is just another douche that's being used for something or another. She needs to get laid and he has a car. Obviously I don't think that much of S. Oh and M, M, M. What can I say about M. Just that she's out of my life. She was fun while it lasted, I loved her in my own way. But how can you not but love your first? And now she's gone. For what it's worth (cause I know you still read this M) I shed my own tear or two over her. She'll say it's my fault, but she's the only female that I can stand up to. She hurt me first, I hurt her back. Since she drew first blood, she can apologize first, then I will, and it will go back to being better than ever. If nothing else, at least she learned not to hurt me like that, because I will hurt back and I will hurt worse. And to the random reader: this is nothing physical. This is merely two ex-lovers squabbling until they both realize that they're each other's only path to Happily Ever After. So there it is world: My First One Night Stand All my friends have boyfriends and I miss them And M. Ex-lovers, future Happily Ever After. Oh and of course, I'm still unemployed, but I'm getting a car soon. Throw in some novels (Memoirs of a Geisha was worth reading, so was The Poisonwood Bible) and you have my life as of Early April, 2011. I wonder what next year will bring.

God, I'm so lonely and I'm doing such a good job of covering up that I don't realize it until I see some random couple on reality TV and I start crying. What that means is that I cannot trust myself around real couples. I'll try to fake it, and I'll probably keep from bursting into tears and moping, but I won't be able to enjoy it. I'll plaster on a fake smile and make the barest of small talk. What they won't realize when they see the sadness in my eyes is that I'm not jealous of either of them specifically. For example, when Z has her new boyfriend, I'm not jealous of her because I don't have her, I'm jealous because she never seems to have any trouble finding anybody. Nobody seems to have any trouble finding anybody. And I do.