7 years with no memories of a person when there should have been a lot of them seems kind of scary.  Was I abused?  Maybe.  My assignment is the pros and cons of finding out what I'm trying to forget. 

The Cons:
Even the realization that I had a block of memories put me on a lapse.
Would knowing the truth change anything about who I am now?
It would probably just make me more damaged that I already am.
I can always deal with it later.
I have bigger issues to deal with right now.

Pros:
I will have to deal with it eventually, why not now?
You can't fix a problem until you know what caused it.
Actually, maybe that's not true.
You wake up one morning to find that your window's broken, does it matter how it broke, you just have to replace the glass and move on.
If this person abused me, then maybe this person will abuse other people in the future.

I don't know.  Probably not the best thing to do right now.  I think today I'm going to talk about what the next steps are.  I have to make it to 60 days before things will even start to be easier.  You tube showed me that I'm not alone.  Everything that I'm going through all addicts go through.  My question: why do I have all these issues with it and nobody else seems to?

12 days! 12 days! 12 days!

I want to celibrate!  I woke up feeling amazing.  Manny is having he death throws right now and soon he will be an unpleasent memory of all that was wrong with using.  It's not quite a beauiful day out yet, but damn it I'm alive! 

11 days clean!

11 days.  This time I'm in counseling and I'm really, really, really trying to make everything better.  Not all better.  I know there's no such things as making things like they were before this journey started.  I don't want to be where I was before, where I was before wasn't all that great.  I'm doing everything I'm supposed to and the first week was amazing.  I knew what it was like to want to quit.  I'm not going to fail this time, I refuse to get back into the same old cycle.  Not anymore.  I know I've said this before, but now when I want to use again, I think about the Hell of using and I want to use a little less. 

I'm trying to do this for myself, but it seems that most of the time I'm doing to get back the family and friend that I've lost to this.  Maybe I never really lost the good friends, but they took a step back from me to protect themselves and I understand that.  When I make it to 30 days I'm going to go back and reconnect.  Marlee of course has always been there, through everything, despite my Ferris Beuhler rule that made me push her away when I could have had her.  Suzan and Sarah and Coleman and if I can manage it, Mehgan and Richard are those friends that were SO much fun.  I know I make a policy to never mention names here, but I figure for once, it's positive, so I'm okay with that. Of course I did mention Kandi and Thor when I was still fuming about getting fired from Assurant. 

Anyway, my next mile stone is 3 weeks. I've gotten to 3 weeks at least 3 or 4 times in the past, but I never made it past that, this time is different.  It's going to be hard, hell it's been hard, but I will make it through it this time.  I know it.

Disapointment

Either path I choose, I disappoint someone.  On one hand, my family who's always been there for me and always will be.  On the other, my friends, who may just be using me for my money.  Of course my family may just be using me for my money too.  They're only nice to me when they want something.  I think I should do what I've been told, finally make a decision for myself.  It should be black and white, but it isn't.  To follow the path of independence my lead to deeper dependence, to follow the path of dependence may lead to independence.  So dependence or independence shouldn't factor into my decision any more than who's using me should.  So what should factor into my decision?  What do I want?  I want to be who I was before, but I guess trying to be who I was isn't the right thing to do either.  So what is the right thing to do?!? Who knows.

Suicide Videos

For something as all consuming as life is, ending it is somehow anticlimatic.  I guess it would have to be, but you'd think death would be more . . . fantastic.  Not fantastic like a fireworks show, but more fantastic like the resurection of jesus.  Maybe relivent is the word I'm looking for.  I don't know, but for as much time as I spend thinking about it, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.  So is this my suicide note?  Probably not.  I'm kinda too tired to finish this thought.  I don't know.  Maybe God will do my (and my family) a favor and let me die in my sleep.  Please God, if it is your will, let it be.  If it isn't, then grant me the strength to get through it.  Of course you probably don't exist anyway and I'm praying to nothing, but you HAVE to exist.  We feel the void in our coniousness and most people come up with the same answer: God.  So God, save me, help me, or fucking kill me already.  I'm done with this.  I don't even have my final out anymore.  Oh well, maybe I'll find one, let's hope so.  I'm publishing this unedited etc. etc.  Good bye.  Gabbi, Ally, I love you, but the pain will be temporary, better to have a lot of pain now then to see me find my rock bottom and keep on digging. 

Sometimes . . .

I wish I had the courage to end it all.  I really do.  If only, life would be better for all.  I'm so selfish to keep going.  I just ruined a birthday party, please, I wish someone would kill me and finally ease the burden on everyone else around me.  Alas, despite my most desperate wishes, I'm still here.  Why? 

God, Grant Me the Courage

To change the things I can.  Please.

Promises I can't keep . . .

I don't want to make a promise I can't keep.  I've failed so much in the past, I don't want to fail again with the hopes of my family upon my shoulders.  I could tell them that I promise this time will be different, this time I'll commit to what needs committed to, but what if I can't keep the promise.  All these goals seem so lofty, so out of reach.  I've been stuck in this cycle for so long that how can I promise never again if I've never even been able to go a month?  Hell, the motto is "one day at a time", now they want forever?  Of course I know the consequences of failure, but I've always known them, what's going to make it different this time?  Nothing.  I know I can't go into this expecting failure, but at the moment, I'm not even committed to a week.  I can commit to today, and tomorrow probably, but forever?

Blah, I guess there's a time for everything and now is the time to make yet another attempt to breaking the cycle. 

Please.  God.  Let it be different this time. 

Not for me, I could care less about me.  I've been waiting to die for a long time now, I just don't have the guts to end it myself.  Let it be different for my littlest sister.  The one who loves me with all her huge heart.  The one that sees her big brother in pain and all she wants to do is make me better. I don't want to fail her anymore.  I'm going to be the big brother that she knows I am, even I can't see that person right now.

Please God, for The Littlest Sister, let it be different this time.

Blah . . .

So conflicted.  Between what was, what is, and what is to be.  I was at the "top of my game".  I had a job, an apartment, a car, good friends, and was working on my personal issues to reach Happily Ever After and then I threw it all away.  I knew what I was getting into when I started down the path and here I am.  I've lost everything and now . . . I'm not even sure what I want to write about that hasn't already been written before.  I had this great epiphany the other day when I came home and my family confronted me w/ an eviction notice that they say was more of a final warning than an actual eviction notice, even though it looked pretty official to me.  So I have two weeks to change my ways and of course I blew it right away.  I know they know, it's obvious.  I can't hide it anymore.  It's reached the point where I barely even try.  I need help.  I know where to get help, I've sought help, but I haven't taken that step.  I can't.  I don't know why I can't take the step.  Go to a meeting.  It seems so simple.  Doesn't it?  But for me it's like finding religion.  You have to want to believe before you can actually believe. Right now, I know that I can't move forward before I take care of my most pressing issue.What I want to write about is guilt.  As soon as I partake, the guilt creeps in.  Or rather, as the time comes to face my family again, knowing how out of it I am, it slams me in the face.  I hate myself and what I've become.  Please God, give me the strength to do what I know must be done.  Please.  Please.  Please. I want to take my final chance and use it for all that it's worth.  I want to be part of this family.  I want to feel loved.  I don't want to feel guilty for my state of mind, and still, I want to give in.  Even as I write this, I would love to partake one last time.  How many times have I used those words: "one last time"?  Too many to not know that there is no one last time.  I don't want my little sister to see me this way.  I'm going to come down stairs at 5 and make myself a modest dinner and I'm going to have to face them.  Why isn't the look of disappointment and fear on the face of my little sister enough to not do it?  My little sister is afraid that I'm going to kill my parents in their sleep.  That's horrible.  That's what I've become to that little girl that cried her eyes out 7 years ago when I went off to Job Corps?  Who wrote me letters saying how much she loved and missed me.  How did happen?  She still loves me.  I know she does.  But if this is what I am to be, I love her too much to put her through it, but not enough to simply quit.  That's all it would take to bring happiness back in the face of the little girls who gave my life meaning when I was struggling with the simpler and deeper issues in life.  Loneliness, etc.   But I'm rambling and this isn't getting anywhere.  I just wish that my family were enough, I wish I knew why it doesn't make a bit of difference except to make me feel guilty after the fact. 

Today . . .

Today, I am going to a meeting.  It's not much, but it's a first step.  Actually, based on passed history, I probably won't go.  Who knows.  I know that I've been stuck in this rut for too long.  I know I had issues before, but now I have a more pressing issue that I have to resolve before I can move forward.  Yeah, I know I brought this issue on myself.  I knew what I was getting into when I started, but now it's time to break the cycle and the first step is going to a meeting.  Wish me luck?