I want a girl that is cute but in a subtle way. A girl that doesn't realize how amazing she is. I want a girl who is smart, but either not as smart as me or differently smart. I want a girl who will expand my horizons and make me try new things. I want a girl who will be infinitely patient with me. I want a girl to fall in love with me and live happily ever after. I want a girl to need me. I want a codependent

God I didn't realize how annoying I was getting. Why would anyone want to hang out with me? I'm whiney and depressed and moody and excitable. I'm always up for an adventure, but most of the time I push too hard. I'm just immature is what I am. I can fake maturity and confidence but as soon as I'm comfortable around someone the real me comes out.

Alas, more of the same crap.

"I didn't compromise my soul to be a popular guy." - - George W. Bush

I just had a HUGE revelation and I'm not sure what to do with it. Whenever I meet someone, I assume that they don't like me.

I recently realized that I am not, in fact, physically repulsive to the opposite sex. After the initial glory of the revelation, I realized last night, while in the middle of a still unexplained bawling session in an empty apartment, that I can no longer use my bad looks as an excuse for people not liking me. Now every time a girl turns me down it's because who I am isn't good enough for them. Some flaw in my personality pushed them away.

But I was sitting here in an empty apartment and I started crying and I couldn't figure out why. I tried thinking about different things to see if I could provoke the crying. I didn't miss A, I didn't miss the roommates, I kinda missed M, but that's another story. I think the best I came up with was needing a hug, but that would be have been the solution to the crying, not the cause of it.

But I just wanted to get down this feeling for later: I am afraid of not being physically repulsive because I can't use it as a crutch any more.

Don't look back at what we had, look forward to what we have. We have someone to go to when everything else seems bleak, we have something to cling to when the rest of the world rejects us. What we had was good, but isn't it fun to get to know each other and enjoy life as it comes?

So after the political blog failed to get any responses, here's a new direction.

I've decided that the key to not fighting with my family this Thanksgiving is to be my work self with my family. People seem to like me at work. I just have to be my witty, charming, professional-but-not-too-professional self. I do it for 8 hours a day at work, so why can't I do it for eight hours with my family. Maybe the work me has become the real me and the me that I revert to around family has become just a ghost of who I used to be. I try to fall back into that roll when I'm around them, but it doesn't work and it all comes out awkward. My work self, is just a mask that I put on for 8 hours to avoid open conflict. That's perfect! All I have to do is be the work me today and my family will like me more. It all seems so clear now, when it should be feeling foggy, ha ha ha.

Wow, let's look at this first week after the election, hasn't it been exciting? Rahm Emanuel (lol, I actually spent time memorizing his name so I could use it in casual conversation) as chief of staff was a great choice, he was Clinton's senior political advisor for 5 years and once told the British prime minister "Don't fuck this up, it's important." And how can you go wrong with a real life Josh Lyman from The West Wing? And his brother is the real life Ari (Entourage.)

But with the good comes the bad, I don't like this economic stimulus plan that Obama's trying to push through congress. We need to let the economy fix itself in the short term and adjust policies to fix it in the long term. Pumping money into the problem can't be the way out.

At least he's trying to repair our relationship with the world. He's going to close Guantanamo and attempt to send the prisoners to trial in America. Apparently that's more complicated than it sounds. He's going to create a quasi-civilian military tribunal so the prisoners have all the rights of an American citizen (which they may not deserve in the first place) and national security isn't compromised. This is a complicated issue to tackle first, and there's a big chance that he's going to fail. Then for the rest of his administration he'll have this big failure to overcome.

Oh he visited the White House, just the standard private meet and greet where the departing president imparts his wisdom on the incoming one. It's funny how quickly Obama flips from condemning the Bush administration to promoting bipartisanship. The Mrs' visited too. Michelle Obama and Laura Bush, they represent the one thing everyone has in common with the president. No matter what posistion in life we're in, we're still dealing with family.

Plus it gives America reassurance. Right now, we're full of optimism and eager for change, but there's always the part that wants everything to stay the same. That's what the first ladies represent. They represent that souvenir from home that we take with us on our way to college, the 2nd hand furniture from our childhood home that fills our first apartment, those hand me down holiday decorations that decorate our childhood homes that will decorates our children's homes too.

I don't really have a point here, but I have all these thoughts on all these issues and most people that I know either wouldn't know what I was talking about or wouldn't care.

What do you think?

"This victory alone is not the change we seek - it is only the chance for us to make that change." - - Barack Obama, Acceptance speech, 11/4/2008

This is the quote that is going to be remembered from last night's speech. It projects exactly how America feels right now. Cautiously optimistic.

Where was I when Barack Obama got elected? I was sitting in my apartment with my roommates and a friend trying pot brownies for the first time while drinking Bacardi Gold and Cokes. Obama seems like an amazing leader with a view for the future. I really liked that line about how change did not come tonight, but the chance for change came. When he was giving his speech he didn't talk like he won a Superbowl or something, he looked like he just got a huge promotion, and fulfilled a dream. Obama seemed, honored, proud, humbled and just a little sad. Especially when he talked about his grandmother, you could tell that he was holding back tears. I like that he was honest about the sacrifices all Americans need to make, he told us that it's not going to be easy, but it's been done before and now is the time for another change. Again back to humble, but he seemed humble when he talked about becoming a responsible world citizen. He told us that we're all countries are working toward a common goal, and that America is ready to do what it takes to make it better. He really made me feel that America isn't done yet. That we'll repair the damage. Now I just really hope that he lives up to what he says. I hope he takes the lead and go for it. I hope he doesn't let the Republicans scare him into complacency. Most of all, I hope he lasts long enough to be more than a footnote in a text book.

I endorse Barack Obama.



I'm so excited. Election day is less than a week away. After four years of following the elections, from Barack Obama's speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention, to the clusterfuck to the Whitehouse that followed. From an assured Gulioni-Hillary general election, to John McCain's easy win in the primaries, to the historic democratic primaries. I remember being up at 2 or 3 am wandering the news sites when Joe Biden was announced as Obama's running mate. It was exiting, flipping on MSNBC, watching the early analysis as the sun came up. Seeing Joe Biden's first speech in front of the state house in Springfield, IL. I remember what a sense of security he brought to the ticket. Before Biden, I thought that Obama lacked some political capital and experience. But with Biden on the ticket, it doesn't matter. Of course I still think a Clinton/Obama ticket would have been best for everyone.

But on another note:

It really offends me when people say that they don't vote or aren't even registered. A lot of the people that I know don't care who the president is, I'm sure none of them could even name the secretary of state (Condeleza Rice) or the Speaker of the House (Nancy Pelosi). It's incomprehensible to me to think that most people are so uninvolved. How can you just not vote. How is it possible that they don't care about anything. I remember two years ago talking about Barack Obama. They asked who's Barack Obama? Who's Barack Obama?!? That was preposterous to me even back then.


The people that don't vote have no right to complain about government, ever. They can't say that taxes are too high, or that we need better schools, because they had their one chance to change it all. With a the simple act of filling out a ballot they have their voice and they reject it. This is how the religious must feel when encountering an atheist. Most religious people simply cannot imagine not believing in God. And I can't imagining being so out of touch with the world that I wouldn't vote. So all three (to use a generous estimate) of my readers, I implore you vote. Please, it doesn't matter who you vote for or what you vote for, but please fill out a ballot, drop in off (if you're in Oregon.) Take five minutes out of your life to look at the voters pamphlet. Of course Oregon readers know to say no on Mandatory Minimum Sentencing and yes to limiting English as a Second Language classes to two years maximum.

So on that note, I depart. Happy Halloween everyone.