So I know this totally conflicts with what I said earlier but I think I have a chance to fuck a girl that broke my heart in high school . . . I was in love with her, she used me. . . now she's a single mom with a guy that doesn't put out enough . . . does this make me an asshole, yeah. Yeah I have feelings for the new girl, but she won't date me, and this does not affect that. This would put the 3rd notch in my belt and help me decide for sure whether or not I can handle a one night stand. . . of course it would make a cute love story . . . blah, I'm gonna go with it and see what I can pull off. Worst she can do is reject me again and I'm finally over that one after 6 years, lol

So yeah it's been a couple weeks and I confess I have a new secret blog for my private thoughts. These thoughts, not so private. First, I turned 25 in a blaze of glory and defeat. I have new friends and despite with those new and old friends say, I'm going against their advice and falling for someone that I probably shouldn't fall for. She's cute, she's smart, she needs me. Every other guy in her life, has used her for sex and then dumped her. She's had her heart broken. She says, I'm not her type, but I know I make her feel better. So if I'm not her type, I don't really care if she doesn't date me at the moment. For now I get a friend. And you guys know me, I don't do casual friends very well. For me, it's all of me or none of me and if you don't want all of me, break my heart early so it doesn't hurt as bad. And yeah, this may hurt in the end, but I don't care. I just want to make her feel better. Is she special? Honestly, I haven't really decided that yet, I don't know. Is she someone worth finding that out for? Defiantly. Here's to hope and heart break.

I love you readers. I don't know who you are, but you've read me through 5 years of my life. Through the ups and downs and ins and outs, you've been there for me. And even if I can count you all on one hand, then it's worth it. Because just like friends and lovers, if I can't have all of you, if you don't want all of me, then go away. I don't do casual.

Will this all be different if she's not as responsive tomorrow as she was today? Is the high that I'm feeling from today just her responding positivly to me for a change, or am I truly looking at life differently? We'll find out tomorrow, I have work to do tomorrow and I'll pay as little or as much attention to her as I want to and see how much fun we have. Of course she just admitted to Facebook stalking me, so, so much fun :)

In it for the game?

So yeah a lot’s happened in the past few day and I don’t really want to get into it because as emotional as it should have been, it really wasn’t. Well it was at the time, but at the moment it isn’t.

What I’m going to talk about is S, I’m playing a game with her. We’re flirting back and forth, she kinda likes me, I kinda like her and we’ll see where it goes. For now, it’s just a game and it’s fun right? I know that there’s a chance that I’m going to get hurt from the whole thing, but for now it’s fun and I know I can deal with it when the time to get hurt comes. I’ve dealt with it before and I’ll deal with it again I’m sure. For now, I’m not getting that attached, well I kinda am, but not as attached as I’ve been in the past, and who knows …

I really want to read this one later because when I get hurt or when I find my Happily Ever After, this is an emotional snap shot.

Me asking her out everyday is just me trying to establish myself outside of the friend zone, when I'm probably already there and even if I'm not, I still have a really sweet friend and I didn't know this yesterday or the day before, but at this moment I realize that's more than enough in life. I may not realize this tomorrow or the next day but at this moment, I am zen.

Within a circle of salt.

A symbol of past failure.

Purged from this earth

In the flame of creation.

I am bound no more.

She's fucking with me! It’s S. She messages me all day every day at work or at home and I love hanging out with her, but I’m obviously not her type! When she can get the big tough auto-mechanic guy named Korn, what the hell does she want with me? She could have most any guy she wants, well maybe not, but a hell of a lot better than me, and she’s playing with me like this. With every message from her, I get a little more attached, and yeah maybe someday she might be into me as something more than just a friend … at this point, I really would be happy with cuddle bitch even, I’m going to get hurt here and I don’t want to get hurt. I really, really, really, don’t want to get hurt again. I know that part of life is putting yourself out there to get hurt in the end, but please not again. I can’t take another broken heart. It took my so long to heal from the last one. I’m almost getting to the point where I can connect the dots between like/love and sex, almost. But sex be damned. I’m not that good at sex, sure at foreplay, but sex, I’m almost 300 lbs, how good can I be? I just really want someone to cuddle with. I don’t even need to make out, I want someone to hold in my arms. I need the physical contact.

But ugh! I’ve known from the beginning that I didn’t want to get attached to her, she’s outta my league, but she’s cute and she’s funny and she’s interested. And oh my god, she’s a red head. And this goes back to the old HS crush Theresa, I like her voice. There’s just enough raspiness in it to make my spine tingle every time she says good morning.

Phew, that felt good getting out. Maybe that’s why I’ve been obsessing over this, I’m afraid that I’m going to get hurt. That’s why I love to write shit down.

She thinks I'm cute!!! :D

So the game tells me that you shouldn't be too eager to hang out with the girl, make her want you more, etc. But I really kinda like this one and I made a calculated risk. She said, we should hang out again, I should have said something like, defiantly, or leave it up in the air. What I said was, what are you doing tonight? But what can I say, I'm over the nervousness, now I just want to spend some time with her. Yeah I like her, I'll admit it, now I think I'm confident enough in my new "self" to go with it instead of playing the game.

A used to say, be yourself. I didn't know what she meant, until now. Now that I'm missing A, god no. But I have found myself. The real me is part the fake confidence that I show at work, that seems to be working. It's part the insecurities I still feel inside. My past is part of the real me, but not as much as it used to be. I'm still the same old person that reacts that same way to the same things that always happen, but now I have new perspective. I know when I'm acting irrationally, and even though it doesn't always make things better, I still don't know how to fix the irrational responses, it's good to know when they're happening. I have had a real revelation here, but I can't seem to put it into words at the moment. There was no Ah Ha moment, it was a slow realization that people like me for who I am. The good and the bad. And as long as I can keep the bad in check, then maybe.