Hope is such a fleeting thing and every time I think it's dead, it just isn't. This weekend was filled with hope that by Monday morning was killed and is now just the dull ache of bitter disappointment in the corner of my soul. There is a long and boring explanation to all of this, along with feeling to go with all of it, but for now I'll give you the short:

Last week I thought for some reason that there might be something between me and a girl at work who happened to break up with her boyfriend. But I asked her out for a drink a couple of nights in a row, she seems to be busy most night. And if movies have taught me anything that when a girl is busy more than two nights in a row then they're not interested. So that ended civilly, not a big deal. I made it clear that I might be interested and she made it equally clear that she isn't without any embarrassing moments for either of us.

Then before that I had applied for a promotion, I didn't think I really had a chance, but I applied for it anyway trying desperately not to get my hopes up. But then get I get called into a meeting, I joked and asked if I was in trouble, they said no and that it's something positive. So for a few seconds I let myself believe that I got the job. And then, I didn't get the senior job. But as a compliment to Job Corps, my supervisor who has doing interviews for 15 years said that I had the best interview skills she's ever seen. Of course that doesn't make it any easier. They told me that it was "this close" *holds her fingers really close* between me and another person. But they said that to me last time. Who knows maybe in another 9 months, I can apply for another senior job and it'll be this close *holds fingers even closer*. So for now I just smile and accept the rejection yet again, and realize that life really doesn't have anything better in store for me.

So now we have two cases of hope, then rejection. And now the last, and maybe least bit of rejection. I jump online for a few minutes after work on Friday before loosing myself in a cloud of smoke and I see a girl from highschool online. I hadn't thought about her in months, but for some reason I was filled with more hope than I probably should have been, but maybe it's because I was still feeling a little rejected by the girl from work. Either way, I start thinking, maybe hanging out with her will be fun, I haven't been to Eugene for a couple of months etc. She even started talking about slightly less than professional stuff, i.e. smoking stuff and other adult activities. And then a boyfriend. Not a huge deal, but I always tend to think of the maybe, just maybies in life.

So there you have it, a weekend that was alternately the best weekend ever and the trip into despair and it all stems from that bitter seed hope.

Die hope. Die.

I just woke up from the most amazing dream. Where all my deepest desires came true. It wasn't a "wet" dream, it was more bliss in dream form. I've been trying to convince myself that I have no chance with that crush, and I know I don't now, I just need to accept it. But in my dream all of the reasons why it cannot be vanished. And it was just me, holding her in my arms, while she cried for everything that has gone bad in life. Let's try to hold that dream just a second or two longer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Now it's in my memory forever, but even as I write it, I'm embarrassed of it.

So I came to an epiphany last night in the middle of a haze of smoke. It occurred to me that I have never had any trouble making one or two good friends wherever I go, except for the cruise line job, but that was just my little trip to Hell. And the people that do get to know me almost always like me. But I also have a deep seeded fear of rejection. So to prevent people from getting to know the real me, I don't put up barriers like a normal person. That would be too easy. What I do is act like a completely different person around people when they get to close. I'm such an ass to people that get too close because I'd rather have them reject the fake me than the real me. I'm afraid of people seeing the real me and still hating me. I have such a pattern of that in life.

God I'm so sorry to all those people that tried to get to know and couldn't. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please forgive me. And if you don't, I understand I'm sorry God forgive me. This is my dominant feeling when I get home and I'm alone staring at these walls or this near-dead computer, I feel regret all the time. I ask the universe one more time for forgiveness, because I really am a nice guy, I'm sorry.

The highest of highs, followed by the lowest of lows. Hope and unexpected fortune give way to fear and despair. Confidence gives ways to cockiness gives way to nothingness.

You know what, fuck it. I need to embrace depression and rejection. The hard part is maintaining a fake smile for all the happy people when all I want to do is crawl into the hole and cry. For what it's worth, I have yet to be rejected by my almost secret crush. But on that end, I'm not getting my hopes up at all. Yet when has the ever worked. It seems the more I try to suppress hope the harder it hits me when it doesn't pan out. Maybe I'll go home tonight and embrace hope. Let my fantasies wander over to the absurd, dare myself to hope. And the purpose for that little exercise, a few minutes of bliss is always worth a few hours, days, weeks, years of pain and suffering.

I was telling somebody earlier today who was complaining about being lonely: At first it hurts, like nobody will ever love you again. Then after a while, when the loneliness just doesn't go away, you realize that it's true. You still have that deep seed of hope waiting to be given breath, but it gets buried deeper and deeper until for all you know it disappears or just dies. But it's still there waiting for a chance to poke it's ugly head, and when it does you try to kill it. But this little seed just won't die. You can bury it a little deeper each time. And who knows, maybe next time it won't find it's way back.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Daily Extended Forecast for November 22, 2006 Provided by Astrology.com Daily Teen Forecast Leo July 23 - August 22

The romance in your life will be greatly amplified today -- and whether or not you have a romantic partner is irrelevant. People will want to be as close to you as you let them, so try to take advantage of the closeness. Barriers between you and someone you know in an official or professional capacity are coming down, and you will get a nice glimpse of this person's great big heart. Make sure you let him or her know that you noticed this generous act.

Look at that horoscope, if ever a horoscope has been relevant this is it. But I think that I am going to hide one more time. Sure this could be my chance at something that I dare not hope for, but in the risk v.s. reward column it's definitely not worth it. Or more likely, I'm just scared. I know I have to conquer my fears, but something tells me this isn't the time. Of course my shrink says (or maybe I say, because he doesn't say much) that I shouldn't let past experiences of rejection prevent me from success now. Alas, instead of facing my fears for remotely obscure chance at success, I will run home and hide from the world. Maybe clean my house, watch some Frasier and have a couple of drinks. If anybody is reading this, I would love to know if any of this makes any sense at all, or even if it doesn't.

A friend/crush breaks up with their boyfriend, what do you do? What a great question. There's basically two options, and maybe only one. Or maybe none, just walk away and forget about it. There's no need to risk a friendship for something that at best, well let's not think about at best, but at worst I could loose a friendship, make it awkward at work etc. Actually now that I'm writing this, I realize . . . Nothing. I had the very faintest grasp and what could have been, the solution to my problem. And even now it's at the front of my sub-conscience, but I'm willing it away. Well I guess I should deal with it, shouldn't I. What I want to do is . . . wow that's what I'm afraid of. This is ridiculous, I've known this friend/crush for just over a year, but we've only hung out outside of work twice, both times with her now ex-boyfriend. The fact that I think that I just might have a chance at something more is absurd. The only thing that causes me some reluctance is back in Junior or Senior year my then friend/crush broke up with her boyfriend of forever and I did the respectful thing. I tried to support her, listened etc. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time, we stayed friends. But later, after highschool, I get an e-mail from her saying that she wanted me to make a move on her then, and when I didn't she thought I wasn't interested. So I ask you faithful reader(s) is there any good answer to this most ancient of fables. My guess is no, I'll let you know how it goes.

Bring Back OJ!!!

Fox has cancled the OJ Simpson interview where he talks about how he would have commited the infamous murders! I ask you fine readers, is this okay? Of course is isn't! We need to fight and send angry e-mails to Fox for canceling the show! Or at least air it somewhere, sometime! Join me and help me uncancle OJ!

Do you ever feel like you're on the edge of depression, but you don't know which side of the edge you're on? Are you ever filled with an undefined, yet desperate, longing for anything that will fill the void where your heart used to be? Do you sometimes gaze into that void, letting your mind wander over the boundless failures of past lives, searching for reason?

A good looking girl calls me "kid." Not to my face or anything, but "What's that kid's name?" Wow that hurts more than I ever thought it would. I remember very distinctly when I was first called a "guy." It made me feel like a real person. It was 8th grade walking home from the bus stop with people that walked my way. Talking to people who were not really people but blocks of clay, waiting for fate to mold them into whatever cruel shape the gods decide. But walking those three blocks, in the time when I was just beginning to realize how much the world hated me, a redhead girl named Misty, told me "you're such a guy." I remember filling with pride that somebody noticed me, but trying not to show it. I still have a special longing for redheads, maybe from that experience, maybe from my desire for something different.

I never realized how much my mother hated me. This is so hard for me to write because I don't want it to be real. Here's the story anyway: last week during my vacation I call my mom and talk to her for an hour or so, no big deal. We started talking about how she was such a great cook, and I say something like, wow I really miss your Potato Soup. Not a huge deal, right? She even invites me over for Thanksgiving. Then she tells my uncle later, and I'm not supposed to know this but who cares, that I was "trying to get invited to dinner" and that she'll be damned if I eat in her house. How fucked up is that? I mean I know my mom is an evil bitch, but I always thought she loved me. I guess not.

You know that phrase: A face only a mother can love, well apparently I'm not good enough for my mother's love. God I feel like crying. But I can't do that. Instead, I put on a smile and deal with my sickness, trying desperately to forget that I know that. And clinging desperately onto the secret hope that my uncle might be wrong, or manipulating me. But I know that's not true. If I can trust anybody in life, it's my uncle.

So I close with this question: What did I ever do that my mom stopped loving me? I know I was a bad child, adolescent, and teenager, but I thought mother's love was unconditional.

I guess not.

Blah, I don't feel like writing really, but maybe a five minute free write will help me resolve some of those unspoken issues. A couple of things have been on my mind: Am I drinking too much? Will the result of my therapy simply be: it's your parents fault. I know it's all my parents fault, but will that make me any more social? Will it help me accept rejection without feeling any emotion? Will it help me control my impulses? I don't know what this will do, but I know that it will take weekly sessions for 6 months at $40 a piece, that's $960 for results may be trivial? I know not much of an entry, but it something.