Hope is such a fleeting thing and every time I think it's dead, it just isn't. This weekend was filled with hope that by Monday morning was killed and is now just the dull ache of bitter disappointment in the corner of my soul. There is a long and boring explanation to all of this, along with feeling to go with all of it, but for now I'll give you the short:

Last week I thought for some reason that there might be something between me and a girl at work who happened to break up with her boyfriend. But I asked her out for a drink a couple of nights in a row, she seems to be busy most night. And if movies have taught me anything that when a girl is busy more than two nights in a row then they're not interested. So that ended civilly, not a big deal. I made it clear that I might be interested and she made it equally clear that she isn't without any embarrassing moments for either of us.

Then before that I had applied for a promotion, I didn't think I really had a chance, but I applied for it anyway trying desperately not to get my hopes up. But then get I get called into a meeting, I joked and asked if I was in trouble, they said no and that it's something positive. So for a few seconds I let myself believe that I got the job. And then, I didn't get the senior job. But as a compliment to Job Corps, my supervisor who has doing interviews for 15 years said that I had the best interview skills she's ever seen. Of course that doesn't make it any easier. They told me that it was "this close" *holds her fingers really close* between me and another person. But they said that to me last time. Who knows maybe in another 9 months, I can apply for another senior job and it'll be this close *holds fingers even closer*. So for now I just smile and accept the rejection yet again, and realize that life really doesn't have anything better in store for me.

So now we have two cases of hope, then rejection. And now the last, and maybe least bit of rejection. I jump online for a few minutes after work on Friday before loosing myself in a cloud of smoke and I see a girl from highschool online. I hadn't thought about her in months, but for some reason I was filled with more hope than I probably should have been, but maybe it's because I was still feeling a little rejected by the girl from work. Either way, I start thinking, maybe hanging out with her will be fun, I haven't been to Eugene for a couple of months etc. She even started talking about slightly less than professional stuff, i.e. smoking stuff and other adult activities. And then a boyfriend. Not a huge deal, but I always tend to think of the maybe, just maybies in life.

So there you have it, a weekend that was alternately the best weekend ever and the trip into despair and it all stems from that bitter seed hope.

Die hope. Die.