I just woke up from the most amazing dream. Where all my deepest desires came true. It wasn't a "wet" dream, it was more bliss in dream form. I've been trying to convince myself that I have no chance with that crush, and I know I don't now, I just need to accept it. But in my dream all of the reasons why it cannot be vanished. And it was just me, holding her in my arms, while she cried for everything that has gone bad in life. Let's try to hold that dream just a second or two longer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Now it's in my memory forever, but even as I write it, I'm embarrassed of it.

So I came to an epiphany last night in the middle of a haze of smoke. It occurred to me that I have never had any trouble making one or two good friends wherever I go, except for the cruise line job, but that was just my little trip to Hell. And the people that do get to know me almost always like me. But I also have a deep seeded fear of rejection. So to prevent people from getting to know the real me, I don't put up barriers like a normal person. That would be too easy. What I do is act like a completely different person around people when they get to close. I'm such an ass to people that get too close because I'd rather have them reject the fake me than the real me. I'm afraid of people seeing the real me and still hating me. I have such a pattern of that in life.

God I'm so sorry to all those people that tried to get to know and couldn't. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please forgive me. And if you don't, I understand I'm sorry God forgive me. This is my dominant feeling when I get home and I'm alone staring at these walls or this near-dead computer, I feel regret all the time. I ask the universe one more time for forgiveness, because I really am a nice guy, I'm sorry.