Am I ready for a Relationship?

That's a good question, and I would have to say yes. I was ready for a relationship in middle school and high school and then at Job Corps where I spent 14 months of my life in a place where guys out numbered girls 3 to 1.

Now I can understand that I need self confidence and platonic relationships before I can seriously pursue a relationship. But I've had platonic relationships, hell I have platonic relationships with girls. "A" is a good friend, or at least I like to think of her as one even though the correct definition would probably be casual friend or good acquaintance. And I have other friends too, well maybe just one right now, but I've had friends in the past. Growing up I moved around too much to keep a big circle of friends, but where ever I went I always made a few good ones.

As far as self confidence goes, I won't lie to myself, I have extremely low self confidence. At 292 pounds what can I expect from myself. But that's something I can hide for a few hours at a time and pretend to be a normal person. Of course if somebody does hang out with me more than a few times I let my real self show through. I've always thought that if I start with a relationship and then confidence will come from that.

And I know I'm desperate, I'm getting more and more desperate and the years pass and I'm still alone and single. I guess this same theme comes up every summer as I approach my birthday (August 19th) and know that this year I failed at my life's goal again. Of course it doesn't help that every time I go to a family function everybody asks me if I've got a girlfriend yet. I want to scream at them: "Of course I haven't got a girlfriend! It's the same answer that you got when you asked when I turned 13 and it's the same answer you'll get when I turn 22!"

I guess I don't feel that I can get on with my life and pursue other goals until I loose my purity (yes virginity, but virginity sounds so ugly, purity makes it seem like I've had a choice in the matter). I know it's bad to say this, but I don't think I can ever measure up to another person until I've had a relationship. Deep down I'll always feel inferior to everybody until I've had a connection with somebody else.

So that's what it boils down to, I can never be in a relationship until I get more confident, and I can never be any more confident until I've been in a relationship. I know that shows that there is something seriously wrong with the way I view the world, but for the first time, even in this blog, I am being truly honest with myself.

For what's it's worth, and this is just trying to justify all my failed attempts at relationships, I can pretend to be self confident. I can put on a mask and pretend that I don't feel like I don't measure up to the rest of the world. I think I wear that mask fairly well, and every time I fail on an attempt at a a relationship, I think back on the whole experience and pick out what I did wrong, so I can fix it next time. Dating and relationships have been more of an academic pursuit for me than an emotional journey ever since the end of high school. In high school, I think I was just too naive to realize that I was making all these mistakes. This is rambling, the point is, I can pretend to be confident long enough not to make a horrible first impression.

And one more thing before I end this very long post, I do judge people. The line about that girl being "semi-attractive if overweight" is how I felt about her. Coming from me, that's the best I've felt about a girl that I thought was obtainable since high school.

So this rant didn't resolve anything, but it did bring to light some of my biggest character flaws. So much for self confidence.