God this pisses me off, and I know it's irrational to give this much of a fuck, so please don't start. You know what, this is just too irrational to put into words, and I know I have no real excuse to be mad. So to avoid the future hassle of re-reading this and be embarrassed enough to delete it, I am not going to release all these irrational emotions, I'm going to bottle them up like I know it isn't good to do and I'll release them at the most inopportune time. Most likely in the form of some incredibly rude comment with no rational provocation. I just don't know anymore, it seems like nobody gives a fuck and they haven't given a fuck for a long time and I'm just now realizing it. It's kind of embarrassing, it's really embarrassing, nobody has given a fuck for a long time and I've been too self possessed to notice. What's worse is that I don't even care about myself any more. I pretend to be all motivated and happy on the outside and that's all that matters to people. Whenever I let people see my faults they run away. Whenever I imagined love, the best part about it was complete acceptance. Love in any sense means complete acceptance of an other's faults. It means seeing somebody at their worst and loving them not despite it, but because of it. And if that isn't what love is, maybe I'm searching for something even more elusive. Maybe all you need isn't love, it's acceptance. I've been looking for that for as long as I can remember and nobody has ever truly accepted me for who I am. Including my parents and most of the rest of my family. Even when I was doing good in life, my mother would always want more. If I brought home a straight A report card, she would always ask me why I didn't take harder classes. So what if that's the only time I can remember succeeding growing up. I was a bit of a failure as a child and I'm shaping up to be a bit of a failure as an adult as well.


I'm going to go ahead and delete that last section due to the fact that it touches on the source of my irrational feelings. And there I went again wanting to rant on the source of my aggravation, but I can't. And since it seems that I won't be able to write about the source of my issues, I'm going end this here.