Post number 200.

Wow, 200 times I've come to my blog out of boredom, desperation, or the mild relief that comes from believing that somebody cares. Now I'm come to my blog on just a normal day with my normal problems. Life is lonely, "cry about it bitch" is what I secretly tell myself whenever I'm feeling lonely and I guess it never works.

To continue this random rant, there are times when I'm sitting at work, or watching a movie, or driving or any other time that I start to feel guilty for things that I did as a kid. For example, and this is my big revelation for my 200th post: when I was a kid, probably 8 or 9, I was playing with my little sister, she would have been three or four at the time. She was jumping off of a little picnic table into my arms, we were having fun playing around, when for no apparent reason (I still can't think of why) I pulled my arms away as she jumped from the table. She fell to the porch and just crumbled. She was okay, just a bruise or two if that, but I feel guilty to this day. Wow, even as I write this I get tears in my eyes. How could I do such a thing, I was just having fun. She trusted me so completely and I let her down. She was hurt because she trusted me. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty over it any more, but here I am almost crying. It must be irrational, but maybe that's the day that my family started to hate me. Maybe that's when she started to hate me. Of course nobody should ever trust me. How could anybody trust me when I would do such a horrible thing. Maybe I'm looking for absolution for doing that, even though I shouldn't need it at this point, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry more than I've ever been sorry for anything that I've ever done. It seems that most of the time when I say I'm sorry it's just because I just want to get out of trouble, or because I have to (work, blah) but for this I truly am sorry. I know I said it when it to her when it happened, and I'm sure nobody else even remembers it, but still I feel bad.

Wow, I just realized how irrational that all seems. Feeling guilty for something that happened so long ago and didn't have any real consequences. But I'm sorry.

As an end note, thank you to everyone that's read my blog over the past 200 posts. My uncle may be right, I might not be able to express my true self here for fear of judgment, but I do my best.