So I just told this new girl that I'm a virgin. Why do girls always seem to shrink away when I tell them that? Is virginity some weird STD that I don't know about? What am I supposed to lie when the subject comes up? Yeah I probably should have. I don't know. Maybe I'm so honest because I'd rather have girls reject me early before I have too many emotions invested in the relationship. Of course Colleen knew I was a virgin, knew what I looked like, and knew how I acted and she still like me. I rejected her because her calves were gross and she exaggerated a few facts so I thought she was a compulsive liar. Why oh why did I ever reject her. Now there was a girl that accepted me for me.

So I was on the phone with the latest online girl and she got a call from her ex and said goodbye. You know what, fuck it. I just talked on the phone for a few hours with this girl, it's not like we even went on a date. Of course we do have to go on the date, but that's merely a formality before she rejects me for being to fat, nervous, immature, whatever. Besides, from what I can tell she's a poor whore of a little girl. I don't know what I'm looking for, but maybe I won't find it online. Maybe I'll find it where I don't expect to. Or maybe I won't find it at all.

There is this line in a story that I read recently that felt almost prophetic when I read it: "He's going to be one of those sad, lonely old bachelors who is neither gay nor straight—just doesn't do sex at all."

What if that's me? What if I grow old and die alone without ever experiencing it? I think I'm just feeling rejected by this girl. I know I shouldn't care and I should be used to rejection by now, but still it's a bit painful. I know I don't feel like going to Salem tomorrow. We have nothing in common, and I already know that she won't like me. Why even bother? I'm sure she knows it too. Maybe she'll call and cancel tomorrow and I'll save some money on the date. Then she'll stop talking to me like all the other girls I've met from the Internet. That would be easier. Then I can spend the next two days floating on a cloud of smoke.

By the way, I'm feeling really low right now so any words of encouragement would help.