Today is not the day for me to be watching any movies, I'm sick of seeing romance. Lonely never changes. But I've made a decision and that's what's keeping me going today. As soon as I get the chance, I'm going to put myself back on Zoloft.

I didn't like it much, it made it so I could play the game, but I could never finish. I'll know what the means later, so it doesn't matter that you don't. But now that I'm off of it, I can't seem to get into the game at all, so I'm stuck on the sidelines watching. But the important thing is, people seemed to like me more when I was on Zoloft. My depression I can deal with, it's a security blanket.

Depression justifies a lot. It justifies whining to everyone until they just don't care anymore. It justifies spending entire weekends holed up in a room on a computer crying at whatever gets through my oh so thin skin. It justifies making rash decisions in the name of happiness. But it pushes people away.

It makes me unpleasant and I know that it does. Zoloft, for whatever reason, made people like me. And that's what I've always wanted. I just wanted to be liked. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted people to actually look forward to seeing me. I've always wanted to turn down invitations and decide what I want to do with my night instead of always having to initiate the contact with people.

I don't know how I was acting differently on Zoloft than I am now, not exactly. I have some vague idea of what I was doing differently, but I can't really pinpoint anything. Like those find the difference puzzles. But hopefully that will be the first step in my salvation.

For now, I spend another weekend wrapped up in my depression and maybe I'll make an effort, and maybe I won't. I just know that today, suicide is only a comforting thought and not a real option because I have just a little ray of hope, and that's all I really need.