Fucking Oregon Lottery!

I hate it, every time I sit down in front of one of those machines I will spend every cent that I have to my name in hope of hitting a big jackpot and when I do, I spend the jackpot before I walk away.  I'm such a piece of shit.  This time, I sacrificed my food money and so I have a half a loaf of bread, nine eggs, and three top ramens to last me to payday.  Wow.  So I'm really feeling like shit right now.  I've given up so much for so little.  There's nothing in return.  A feeling of excitement, of maybe, just maybe, this time will be different.  I want to be a better person, but it seems like I'm getting further and further away from the good person that I once was.  Maybe there was a time when I could have pulled my self out of the gambling cycle, but those days are long passed.  So I sit here and I wait for my next paycheck when I will spend the bare minimum on bills then go sit in a bar for an hour and put bill after bill into the machine hoping to find happiness in money and flashing lights.  I remember when I would go to the bars to sing and get drunk, sure I'd drop a hundred bucks in a night for liquor, maybe black out and make an ass out of myself, but at least then I had the good pure fun of being on stage and being the center of attention for a good reason for at least a few minutes.  What do I get now?  To be that guy in the corner getting sadder and sadder as my money gets lower and lower.  There's not a lot in life that's worse then the feeling of your last dollar in the machine.  You know you've spent more than you should, you know what waits you when it's gone.  No food, no extra money, minimal cigarettes, and still you hope beyond reason that the next hand of video poker will strike it rich.  You swear to yourself again that you'll walk away if only you can get it back up to $20, and you actually believe it.  Then that last quarter.  You pray to a god that will not listen to please let it be a winner.  Then it's gone.  You're alone.  Nobody cares that you've there once again.  It's done.  Who knows, maybe next week I won't put any money into a poker machine . . . yeah right.