Okay, I'm still alive.  Last night, laying in bed, I had kind of a morbid vision.  Well maybe not a vision, maybe a pre-dream.  Anyway, I was laying on this knitted blanket that I use in lieu of a bottom sheet, and I was saw my grandma on her death bed.  She's not dead yet, nor is she dying, well she's old, but not dying in any immediate way.  So she was on a hospital bed and the family was gathered around her, and everyone was getting to say their goodbyes, and I thought, what will I say?  What can you say?  So here I am, 9 days into the new year and 10 days clean (again) and I'm contemplating death.  Well trying not to, and not too deep.  I still have the original agreement with myself not to think about death until I'm thirty.  Of course thirty is barely 3 years away.  So yeah, I'm still alive for now.