I will kill myself, just not today

I have a feeling deep in my soul, that I will be the one to end my life.  Right now, my plan is to hang myself off of the back porch rafter.  Yet, today will not be the day.  Neither, most likely, will it be tomorrow.  Some day soon I will end my life.  I try so hard with my over eating, chain smoking and binge drinking but that takes too long.  Am I the only one that lays awake at night contemplating suicide?  I know how it will be taken by my family.  Gabbi will be mad, Ally might be sad, though I know deep down that it will come as a relief to her, my mom will cry and wonder if there's anything that she could have done.  There isn't.  There's nothing that anybody can do to prevent my suicide.  I've long planned my last post on Facebook.  It will be something like: "I am going to kill myself.  Please don't try to stop me, by the time you read this it will already be over for me.  Please tell my mom I love her and that it's not her fault.  To all my friends that have been there through the years, I'm truly sorry for any pain that this causes you.  To track my slow decent to madness and to read my suicide note, please go to oblivionschild.blogspot.com"  I wish I could do this without people crying for me.  I know that I will make my mom cry, I haven't made her cry since I was 16 and I called her out on her past mistakes.  I'm not sure the rest of my family will cry, to them it will be a relief that I'm finally out of their lives.  It's funny that both my desire to be clean from Meth and my desperate desire for just one last drink keeps me from doing the deed right now.  I want just one more drunk before I die, I love alcohol.  I want to know how it feels to be one year clean from Meth.  My one year mark is June 25th, so I don't think I will kill myself before then, but who knows.  One more fight that I can't win, one more mistake that I can't fix, one more reason to give up and that might be it.

I really need a drink . . .

Of course when I say I need a drink, I really mean I need to sit down and drink myself stupid by drinking an entire fifth of whiskey.  It's weird, it's not as bad as a Meth craving, or at least as bad as they used to be, but it's in the same vein. 

I just drank a half a pot of coffee to get motivation to get my resume kicked out, but I have half of it done so I figure I'm good to finish it tomorrow.  Instead of finishing my resume, I'm sitting here listening to music, playing poker and whining to my blog that I need a drink.  I really could use a drink, just enough to take off the edge.  I think coffee is my new trigger for alcohol, just like Meth which had too many triggers to list, I know how to deal with triggers.  I know how to deal with cravings.  The best thing to do is to feel the craving, let it consume me and then accept it at it's worst.  One, two, three breathe.  I know I can get through this.  I guess there's a reason I don't drink coffee that much.

Okay, I'm beginning to relax.  See, the craving wasn't that bad.  Nothing like that one Meth craving that I had.  I was in Albany and I had a full paycheck on me.  I had just gotten out of a counseling appointment and I was having lunch with my grandparents at Wendy's.   My friend/dealer calls me and says they had the good stuff.  I was so tempted to walk out of the lunch and go to my friend just one last time.  The feeling was so powerful that I almost cried.  I wish I had the words to describe how much effort it took to stay where I was and not go to my friend.  That was literally the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and thing I'm most proud of.  It was that day that I realized I could quit Meth. 
As far as that alcohol craving goes, it's gone now.  Sure, I wouldn't say no to a drink or 20, but I'm not going to pursue alcohol at the moment.

Thanks for listening everyone.  I love all three of you that read this, ha ha.

Yet another family gathering

Tomorrow marks yet another family gathering where I will be the butt of everybody's jokes and there's no way for me to escape.  I wish I could skip it, unfortunately, I fucking live here now so there's no escape.  I don't like my family anymore, I know if one of them died I would probably cry, but until then, I wish everybody would just leave me alone.  I know I'm a failure, but guess what, I quit Meth and nobody that I know has ever done such a hard thing.  I'm more accomplished than any of them.  I went through the day by day Hell of giving it up.  Each day it got worse until it started getting a little better.  I guess I can't type as fast as I once could, oh well, it will come back to me if I ever get a job where I need to type again.  But guess what, it's time for Doctor Who, so here is where I leave you as I prepare to loose myself in fantasy for an hour.

Just stuff

I'm sitting here listening to my girlie station on Pandora and I'm feeling depressed.  I'm so alone, I just want to cry, but I'm on too much Prozac to ever cry again.  Last night I drank a fifth of whiskey, I get that particular joy once a month.  Sorry I haven't been posting much lately, there just isn't much going on in my life right now.  I'm still unemployed, I don't have any motivation to do anything.  I haven't even read a book in a couple of months.  On the bright side, I'm 10 months clean and I've stopped thinking about it every time I lay down to sleep.  I still miss the people, but I no longer miss the drug.  When I think back to those times I remember the bad times more than the good ones. 

Last night I learned that a former co-worker of mine died a while back and I didn't know about it.  She was an amazing person, always so fun and full of life.  Death is supposed to be for those who don't want to live anymore, not for those who have so much life left in them. 

So I've gotten into Awkward. on MTV, it's a pretty decent show.  It was on last night but I was too drunk to care.  I guess I'm an alcoholic, but what can I say, it's in my blood.  My dad died an obese alcoholic in his mid 30's and I plan to do the same.  I just wish I could cry about it and let it all out.