I will kill myself, just not today

I have a feeling deep in my soul, that I will be the one to end my life.  Right now, my plan is to hang myself off of the back porch rafter.  Yet, today will not be the day.  Neither, most likely, will it be tomorrow.  Some day soon I will end my life.  I try so hard with my over eating, chain smoking and binge drinking but that takes too long.  Am I the only one that lays awake at night contemplating suicide?  I know how it will be taken by my family.  Gabbi will be mad, Ally might be sad, though I know deep down that it will come as a relief to her, my mom will cry and wonder if there's anything that she could have done.  There isn't.  There's nothing that anybody can do to prevent my suicide.  I've long planned my last post on Facebook.  It will be something like: "I am going to kill myself.  Please don't try to stop me, by the time you read this it will already be over for me.  Please tell my mom I love her and that it's not her fault.  To all my friends that have been there through the years, I'm truly sorry for any pain that this causes you.  To track my slow decent to madness and to read my suicide note, please go to oblivionschild.blogspot.com"  I wish I could do this without people crying for me.  I know that I will make my mom cry, I haven't made her cry since I was 16 and I called her out on her past mistakes.  I'm not sure the rest of my family will cry, to them it will be a relief that I'm finally out of their lives.  It's funny that both my desire to be clean from Meth and my desperate desire for just one last drink keeps me from doing the deed right now.  I want just one more drunk before I die, I love alcohol.  I want to know how it feels to be one year clean from Meth.  My one year mark is June 25th, so I don't think I will kill myself before then, but who knows.  One more fight that I can't win, one more mistake that I can't fix, one more reason to give up and that might be it.