A missed encounters ad from Eugene's Craigslist:

our song - w4m


you even know what it is? isn't life great? it don't matter if your rich.... (you will never get it, will you?)

This struck me as sad, because I think that's what I'm doing with life. This mystery woman is stabbing this unknown guy with accusations of greed. All the woman wants is a connection and the guy is too lost in the superficial to notice. Maybe the guy isn't intentionally superficial or greedy, maybe the guy's just apprehensive of real relationships. Maybe past failures have killed this guy's ability to connect with someone. Maybe all the woman needs to do is be push herself on the guy a little harder so there's no more confusion.

And maybe, I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm bored and I can write what I want to.

For a different point of view: I smoke alone.

To set up the scene a little: I just spent two days in Eugene hanging out with various people. It seems like I was trying to capture something that I thought I used to have but didn't. But that's not the real issue, the real issue is, fuck it. I think I'm going to smoke a bowl and see if life's problems can really float away on a cloud of smoke. Huh, I guess life's problems really can float away on a cloud of smoke. It doesn't matter that I committed all kinds of social faux pauxs causing me to look like a jack ass on at least three occasions. It doesn't matter that I my original budget for the weekend went all to hell because of an overlooked cell phone charger. It doesn't matter that I have the last wireless training test tomorrow and I just couldn't concentrate on studying in class. Wow, this weed is good. It feels like I'm floating upside down like in those old squirrel cages at the carnival. My sense of perspective is weird. It's like I'm laying on the ground typing on the computer that's some how lower that where I am laying on the ground. Ha ha, I'm going to keep that in, even though I don't know if it will make any sense later. What's weird is that I can control this weird sense of vertigo, any time I want I can divert my eyes from the computer screen and the world feels normal again. Weird, damn it, negative thoughts are starting to invade this high. But now I forgot them, so that's okay. So where was I before that diversion? Hmmm, oh yeah. It's kind of depressing to think about where I was at the beginning of this entry. My other issue is the fact that my mood can go from the deepest pits of depression to happy indifference with just a few puffs. Yeah it's nice, but does that mean I'm incapable of experiencing this happiness without it? No, that's not true. I can still have real fun without weed, like Friday at the Eugene Celebration. I think it's time for another hit. Now those thoughts of failure are creeping into my mind. This is bad, this line of thought can be very bad. I don't want to obsess on every little mistake that I made this weekend. I don't want to analyze every bit of social interaction that I had this weekend. So I won't, but even as I write this I'm starting to feel that overwhelming guilt that I know will come later. It's inevitable. It's funny that these emotions are so familiar to me. Planning or not planning a weekend, budgeting for it way to liberally and then breaking that budget anyway. There's the anticipation of the planning and the weekend; the countdown on the calender; the sense of optimism or angst on the way there, the freedom of being there, then inevitable plunge into. . . . well and so on. Anyway, I lost that line of thought, so it might be interesting to read later. And as suddenly as this entry began, it ends. I'm off for something more interesting to entertain my stoned mind.

As much as I've been complaining about my roommate and his girlfriend kissing, I just woke up from a dream where, in the middle of some adventure, I was kissing a girl randomly and she was kissing back and I loved it. Maybe the reason I hate the sound of their kissing is because I'm jealous. Sure I've had a few (very few) kisses in my life, but I've never been in a situation where I have a girlfriend that I can kiss whenever I want. I know this is more petty whining, but yeah I want a girl to kiss whenever I want.

I'm sad. Life is starting to feel pointless. All that I've been depending on to mask my loneliness is crumbling and it's all starting to seem so hopeless. I want to cry. I don't know. Maybe smoking weed constantly is not the answer. I know it never was, but it took the edge off of the sense of hopelessness. It's like the only thing that can fill this void is people, but people annoy me. It doesn't matter who it is, eventually they annoy me or I annoy them. I'm too whiny. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for all that I don't have. Don't ask me to do anything about it, I can't. Even if I could, what would be the point? We all die in the end. And yet, when I'm around my family, especially my little sisters, I feel loved and I like that feeling. This is all just pointless whining, but if nobody else will listen where else do I vent my feelings of inadequacy. I just wish there were some way to end these feelings.

Another rant about life and loneliness. I am so sick of being lonely. How many personal adds to I have to post, how many do I have to answer, how many times must I be rejected before I give up. But I don't want to give up. Loneliness is becoming what death is to me: an unacceptable inevitability. Like death, when I think about how lonely I am I'm filled with an indescribable sense of fear and my mind jumps to the edge of panic. And again like death, it's seeming more and more inevitable. I've done all I can and I've had no success. So when I've tried all that I can and it doesn't work, shouldn't that be the end of it? Shouldn't I just give up and spend the rest of my life wallowing in self pity? In other, most positive news, Cassie wants to hang out again. But the trouble with that is she always has a boyfriend and I am very attracted to her. I can't get around that, or maybe she's just the best girl that's ever paid me any attention. Alas, even if she was interested in me I would find a way to ruin it, when somebody gets too close I push them away. I've said this all a hundred times and nothing's changed, but every time I feel lonely it's as bad as the first time and it never gets any easier.

God this pisses me off, and I know it's irrational to give this much of a fuck, so please don't start. You know what, this is just too irrational to put into words, and I know I have no real excuse to be mad. So to avoid the future hassle of re-reading this and be embarrassed enough to delete it, I am not going to release all these irrational emotions, I'm going to bottle them up like I know it isn't good to do and I'll release them at the most inopportune time. Most likely in the form of some incredibly rude comment with no rational provocation. I just don't know anymore, it seems like nobody gives a fuck and they haven't given a fuck for a long time and I'm just now realizing it. It's kind of embarrassing, it's really embarrassing, nobody has given a fuck for a long time and I've been too self possessed to notice. What's worse is that I don't even care about myself any more. I pretend to be all motivated and happy on the outside and that's all that matters to people. Whenever I let people see my faults they run away. Whenever I imagined love, the best part about it was complete acceptance. Love in any sense means complete acceptance of an other's faults. It means seeing somebody at their worst and loving them not despite it, but because of it. And if that isn't what love is, maybe I'm searching for something even more elusive. Maybe all you need isn't love, it's acceptance. I've been looking for that for as long as I can remember and nobody has ever truly accepted me for who I am. Including my parents and most of the rest of my family. Even when I was doing good in life, my mother would always want more. If I brought home a straight A report card, she would always ask me why I didn't take harder classes. So what if that's the only time I can remember succeeding growing up. I was a bit of a failure as a child and I'm shaping up to be a bit of a failure as an adult as well.


I'm going to go ahead and delete that last section due to the fact that it touches on the source of my irrational feelings. And there I went again wanting to rant on the source of my aggravation, but I can't. And since it seems that I won't be able to write about the source of my issues, I'm going end this here.

Out of Sheer Boredom, I Drink Alone

So I planned this week off a few months ago thinking that I could find something to do. It turns out that it's a lot easier said than done. This is only my second day into this vacation and I'm going crazy! How can anybody possibly be this bored? How much can I read, how many times can I watch the same shows over and over again. How much more entertainment can I squeeze out of the Interenet? And my God, the loneliness. So the loneliness isn't getting to me yet, but I am so fucking bored it's ridiculous.

So in the interest of ending my boredom, I drink alone. And since I don't have anybody else to talk to, I'll chronical it on my blog. My initial goal is 5 shots of Johnny Walker Red Lable. From there, I'll writer after each shot. So hold right there.

8 minutes later. My first reaction is UGH! I thought I was a fairly experienced drinker, so five shots shouldn't affect me, and it didn't, but each one of those shots went down like acid. Gross! Alas, the edge is off of the boredom. It's 10:56 right now, I think I'll take a shot ever 10-15 minutes until I'm sufficiently snockered (to use my favorite British term.) So now I light a cigarette and reflect on my feelings.

So the edge is off the boredom, only to be replaced by loneliness. It sucks, I'd much rather be bored than lonely. At least I have a bit of tiredness to go with my boredom. If I only got tired enough to sleep, then I wouldn't be bored at least for 5 or 6 hours.

So approximately 20 minutes later, I'm feeling good and buzzed, I cirtainaly wouldn't drive in this condition. I think I'll take two more shots now and two more shots at midnight. Right now though, I've forgotton all about my boredom. So I've accomplished my goal so far. Two more shots, if I don't come back after this writing, I might be dead. Ugh, I get so paranoid when I drink. A good difference between this and weed though, at least I can read when I drink, I can't do that when I smoke.

See you at midnight, right now it's 11:20. And like I said, if I don't post again by tomorrow, I might be dead.

Well it's 11:26 right now, and I must say there is a marked increased in my typos. For example, I now have a great tendency to the same word twice. Of course, I delete all my typos, by for an experiment, from this point on, I will not correct my typos. Here is goes.

So since I'm not correcting my typos, I think I'll tell you a story. Ha ha, now they go down. Now that I'm thinking about the them(* them* they go down. Well except for that last paret. Part*. So what story a shouild should* I tell you gouys? Guys*? Abd aAn Adn And* by guys I mean it in the spanish send sence* of Ustedes. It's masculine but it can be both male and female. So back to my original question, what d story to you, Do you want to hear? Hmmm, I shouldn't tell you about tan anything* too depressing, so I think I'll try to think of a good memory from my childhood, or past in general. Hmmm, my mind is wandering to Newport, I had some good times there. So yeah, I think I'll tell you about the first time I got high. Ha ha, that was a great little adventure. I went with myu grandparrents to Newport for a day and I stopped for a few hours at my cousin's house, we had smoked cigarettes in the past, but never weed. Well, onece, once* but for some reason I never felt anything. I'm thirteen at the time and my cousin and I (12 at the time I believe) walk all the way from Eads street to a few blocks from the birdge brd bridge*. I'm not sure exactly how far that is, but it's pretty far. So we walk all the way to these run down apartments by the bridge and buy weed from some guy, I really don't remember the the deatails details* of that guy but that was 8 years ago, so what do you expect. Actually it was more like nine years ago, wow that seems like just yesterday. What a disapointment. So anyways, we get the weed and go to green thumb park across from the p cop shot shop*, we wnder wai wnad wander* some trails fro for a wi while* and find a piece of dirt to smoke on. Oh my god, itg was truly amazingt, like the world was going to be okay, it didn't matter that I didn't have any friends, it didn't matter that it would be at least another 9 years bvef before* I got laid (though I dind't know it at the time) it didn't matter that weell, well* nothing mattered. It was like walking on an air matress. What was great about this, by the way we smoked out of a sea shell, just to point out a random fact. It's Nepo Newport, so what, I mean, it's kind of fitting. Anyway, we get back to his place at least an hour late, clearly baked out of our minds and then we went to Sizzler for the all you can eat salad bar etc. My god, I don't think I've eaten that much in my life. Well, at least to that point. Actually I doint t don't* remember much after that, but that's the story of my firt s first* time getting hihg. High*., High*.

BN

Now it's 10 minutes after I started that store story* and yeah I feel fd drunk, but not as intoxicated as I would off of some weed. So maybe I shouldn't take another short shot* or two like I'm tihk tihin thinking* just because my roommate l might look at l me liek like* I'm some sort of aloch c aa alcoholoic, but I di don't think I'm an a alcoholic* an alcohoic alcoholic (god that's a hard word to hi type(* type*) I wonder if my live f journal is still around. BRB,m if I'm lucky, I'll come back witha link.

Here's the linke, just a few seconds later: http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=B219511

I'm going to wander on that in search of happier times. I'll be back.

YEah, that was just depressing. Dwee Dwelling on a past I wouldn would* ratehr forget. I have no reason to look bna back on thi that time with loni longing* I look back and relaize I never knew how good I had it. For example, that cheerleader in the fourth or fit fit fifth* entrly entry* in the blog, I should definately have goin gone* after that. I por probably gou could have ended my p;ur purityu purity* right ther. there*. Alas, I'm just a lonely little looser. But one more shot if in* fifteen more minutes might chage that. Change that*. Ha ha, now I'm borted bored( borte bored* agains, again*.

Do you think 10 shots in the space on an hour is dangerous? Yeah it probably is, so one more shot and I think I'll call it a night. So here it goes, with "What happens in Mexico" playing in the background.

Alas, an hour later and the mild euphoria of intoxication has faded into depression. There is a lesson to be learned here. And that is: weed is always better than beer. It's 12:42 AM, good night everyone.

It seems like everywhere I go I'm surrounded but love or death. I hate it. I swear that if I have to hear my roommate kiss his girlfriend one more time I'm going to say something. Okay, I won't say anything, but it's really, really driving me crazy. And yeah, I know I'm not ready for a relationship, that's fine, but it doesn't change the fact that I HATE to have rubbed in. I'm so sick of it! I know I'm going to die alone, again that's fine. If I'm not ready for a relationship at almost 22, I'm never going to be ready. I guess it was inevitable that I would die alone, but I didn't think I would give up this quickly.

Ugh, this isn't about me, this is about those fucking love birds rubbing their happiness in my face. It's not even that I'm jealous, well maybe a little, but for some reason the sound of them kissing disgusts and enrages me. I know it's irrational. Great, now I hear them FUCKING! I am getting so mad. I know I'll be able to control it and I know I'll hold my toung again because these thoughts are so irrational. Wow I turned on a little Marilyn Manson and the rage seems to go away. Wow, I'm irrational tonight.

As far as the other part of this rant, being surrounded by death. I was sitting in my room watching the Daily Show because my roommate hi-jacked the living room and for some reason a vision of my grandma's funeral popped into my head. What's weird about that is that's she's not even dead. It's like I want to cry to release all these emotions but I can't. I can't cry any more. I used to cry all the time, up through high school anyway. I remember crying at Job Corps too. But it seems like the last time I cried was during a night of drinking and I made an ass of myself. But I have to tell you, crying feels so good. It's the release of all these negative emotions that have nowhere to go.

There must be something seriously wrong with me, and I hate it.

Am I ready for a Relationship?

That's a good question, and I would have to say yes. I was ready for a relationship in middle school and high school and then at Job Corps where I spent 14 months of my life in a place where guys out numbered girls 3 to 1.

Now I can understand that I need self confidence and platonic relationships before I can seriously pursue a relationship. But I've had platonic relationships, hell I have platonic relationships with girls. "A" is a good friend, or at least I like to think of her as one even though the correct definition would probably be casual friend or good acquaintance. And I have other friends too, well maybe just one right now, but I've had friends in the past. Growing up I moved around too much to keep a big circle of friends, but where ever I went I always made a few good ones.

As far as self confidence goes, I won't lie to myself, I have extremely low self confidence. At 292 pounds what can I expect from myself. But that's something I can hide for a few hours at a time and pretend to be a normal person. Of course if somebody does hang out with me more than a few times I let my real self show through. I've always thought that if I start with a relationship and then confidence will come from that.

And I know I'm desperate, I'm getting more and more desperate and the years pass and I'm still alone and single. I guess this same theme comes up every summer as I approach my birthday (August 19th) and know that this year I failed at my life's goal again. Of course it doesn't help that every time I go to a family function everybody asks me if I've got a girlfriend yet. I want to scream at them: "Of course I haven't got a girlfriend! It's the same answer that you got when you asked when I turned 13 and it's the same answer you'll get when I turn 22!"

I guess I don't feel that I can get on with my life and pursue other goals until I loose my purity (yes virginity, but virginity sounds so ugly, purity makes it seem like I've had a choice in the matter). I know it's bad to say this, but I don't think I can ever measure up to another person until I've had a relationship. Deep down I'll always feel inferior to everybody until I've had a connection with somebody else.

So that's what it boils down to, I can never be in a relationship until I get more confident, and I can never be any more confident until I've been in a relationship. I know that shows that there is something seriously wrong with the way I view the world, but for the first time, even in this blog, I am being truly honest with myself.

For what's it's worth, and this is just trying to justify all my failed attempts at relationships, I can pretend to be self confident. I can put on a mask and pretend that I don't feel like I don't measure up to the rest of the world. I think I wear that mask fairly well, and every time I fail on an attempt at a a relationship, I think back on the whole experience and pick out what I did wrong, so I can fix it next time. Dating and relationships have been more of an academic pursuit for me than an emotional journey ever since the end of high school. In high school, I think I was just too naive to realize that I was making all these mistakes. This is rambling, the point is, I can pretend to be confident long enough not to make a horrible first impression.

And one more thing before I end this very long post, I do judge people. The line about that girl being "semi-attractive if overweight" is how I felt about her. Coming from me, that's the best I've felt about a girl that I thought was obtainable since high school.

So this rant didn't resolve anything, but it did bring to light some of my biggest character flaws. So much for self confidence.

*sigh* I'm not feeling emotional enough tonight to type a lot, but I'm bored and I'm sick of my roommate and his girlfriend. It's one thing to be perpetually pure, but whenever his girlfriend is over it's rubbed in my face.

What's worse, I can't attribute my loneliness to lack of trying. I am out there looking for girls. I'm only 21, but I post a personal add every two weeks and I check three regions of craigs list's personal adds and missed connections twice a day.

Like last week, I replied to a personal add and I got a date. It was just coffee but it was fun. The girl seemed normal and smart and semi-attractive if overweight. I asked for a second date through e-mail yesterday afternoon and I still haven't received a response. I guess any girl that I can be attracted to can never be attracted to me.

There I go again living life in blacks and whites, but there's never been any gray areas for me. Life has always been good or bad, people have either been best friends or worst enemies. I'm not one for causual aquaintences. Ugh, who cares.