Post # 700!

Wow, 7 years and 700 posts. Incredible.  I didn't even realize that I'd written that much when I came here today.  I came here today to research dreams about that girl from my dreams and I'm still not sure when/where she comes into play.  I think she's super natural in origin.

Anyway, while going though every mention of the word dream in this blog, I realized that I've spent most of the past 7 years bitching about being alone and lamenting over missing my happily ever after.  Thanks to drugs, I have much bigger issues to deal.

I make a promise to you faithful readers that I will no longer come here to bitch about how lonely I am.  I wish I could write more, but I've got stuff to do.  Thanks for reading everyone!!!!

Am I crazy? Yeah I am.

It’s like I’m too different people sometimes. There’s the angry Jason that just wants to fight with everyone, then there’s the “real” me. The sad, lonely, addict who’s struggling through recovery the best he can. Real me is realistic about the future, maybe a bit naïve, but trying to work through it. The angry me is just that, angry. Consumed with all the negativity in life. Nothing’s good, he hates his life and blames everyone else. The trouble is, we both live in the same body and I can’t control him when he’s out. He’s been out for the past few days and here I am dealing with the consequences. Do I have real DID, or is this trying to pass blame for who I am? I don’t know. It’d be nice to have a diagnosis that I can identify with instead of just another addict. I’m tired. Tired of picking up after him, tired of being him. I really want to change, but I’m lazy. I’m very, very lazy. I want everyone else to do it for me. I just want to sit in my room and let the world pass me by. It’s wasting this great and mysterious gift of life, I know it, but I don’t care enough to do anything about it. I know there’s a 3^rd me somewhere in this mix, someone that actually gives a fuck and wants to change, and sometimes he comes out to play, but mostly it’s angry and me. I guess I’ll call the current me, passive. Am I crazy? Most definitely.

In a moment of clarity, I realized how much my struggles must be hurting my family.  I guess that's all. 

I'm sick of having to be so Fucking grateful

I know they're letting me live here rent free, I know I should be so, so, so grateful, and I'm pretending to be.  I'm pretending to like their psycho dog, I'm doing every dish that's dirtied (mine and theirs) I'm playing games that I hate with them and having mindless conversation about every single detail of their day before I've even had my first cigarette in the morning, I'm doing yard work for free all because I'm supposed to be grateful.  What's going on inside of me, I hope they will never understand.  I'm pushing 21 days clean again and that's where I've failed at least 5 times already.  Every morning I wake up and my first thought is using, triggers are everywhere, and I'm lonely, so god damned lonely, but so lonely that I know if I get a chance to be unlonely then I'll just latch on so badly that I'll push people away.  So instead of seeking an end to my loneliness, I hide inside myself more and I know that will drive me to use.  I just got a dead fuck off letter from Wal*Mart, confirming that I am, in fact, that biggest looser on the planet.  Ugh, I just want to cry, but they're always there, asking me "what's wrong?"  They don't want to know.  I just want to be left alone.

7 years with no memories of a person when there should have been a lot of them seems kind of scary.  Was I abused?  Maybe.  My assignment is the pros and cons of finding out what I'm trying to forget. 

The Cons:
Even the realization that I had a block of memories put me on a lapse.
Would knowing the truth change anything about who I am now?
It would probably just make me more damaged that I already am.
I can always deal with it later.
I have bigger issues to deal with right now.

Pros:
I will have to deal with it eventually, why not now?
You can't fix a problem until you know what caused it.
Actually, maybe that's not true.
You wake up one morning to find that your window's broken, does it matter how it broke, you just have to replace the glass and move on.
If this person abused me, then maybe this person will abuse other people in the future.

I don't know.  Probably not the best thing to do right now.  I think today I'm going to talk about what the next steps are.  I have to make it to 60 days before things will even start to be easier.  You tube showed me that I'm not alone.  Everything that I'm going through all addicts go through.  My question: why do I have all these issues with it and nobody else seems to?

12 days! 12 days! 12 days!

I want to celibrate!  I woke up feeling amazing.  Manny is having he death throws right now and soon he will be an unpleasent memory of all that was wrong with using.  It's not quite a beauiful day out yet, but damn it I'm alive! 

11 days clean!

11 days.  This time I'm in counseling and I'm really, really, really trying to make everything better.  Not all better.  I know there's no such things as making things like they were before this journey started.  I don't want to be where I was before, where I was before wasn't all that great.  I'm doing everything I'm supposed to and the first week was amazing.  I knew what it was like to want to quit.  I'm not going to fail this time, I refuse to get back into the same old cycle.  Not anymore.  I know I've said this before, but now when I want to use again, I think about the Hell of using and I want to use a little less. 

I'm trying to do this for myself, but it seems that most of the time I'm doing to get back the family and friend that I've lost to this.  Maybe I never really lost the good friends, but they took a step back from me to protect themselves and I understand that.  When I make it to 30 days I'm going to go back and reconnect.  Marlee of course has always been there, through everything, despite my Ferris Beuhler rule that made me push her away when I could have had her.  Suzan and Sarah and Coleman and if I can manage it, Mehgan and Richard are those friends that were SO much fun.  I know I make a policy to never mention names here, but I figure for once, it's positive, so I'm okay with that. Of course I did mention Kandi and Thor when I was still fuming about getting fired from Assurant. 

Anyway, my next mile stone is 3 weeks. I've gotten to 3 weeks at least 3 or 4 times in the past, but I never made it past that, this time is different.  It's going to be hard, hell it's been hard, but I will make it through it this time.  I know it.

Disapointment

Either path I choose, I disappoint someone.  On one hand, my family who's always been there for me and always will be.  On the other, my friends, who may just be using me for my money.  Of course my family may just be using me for my money too.  They're only nice to me when they want something.  I think I should do what I've been told, finally make a decision for myself.  It should be black and white, but it isn't.  To follow the path of independence my lead to deeper dependence, to follow the path of dependence may lead to independence.  So dependence or independence shouldn't factor into my decision any more than who's using me should.  So what should factor into my decision?  What do I want?  I want to be who I was before, but I guess trying to be who I was isn't the right thing to do either.  So what is the right thing to do?!? Who knows.

Suicide Videos

For something as all consuming as life is, ending it is somehow anticlimatic.  I guess it would have to be, but you'd think death would be more . . . fantastic.  Not fantastic like a fireworks show, but more fantastic like the resurection of jesus.  Maybe relivent is the word I'm looking for.  I don't know, but for as much time as I spend thinking about it, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.  So is this my suicide note?  Probably not.  I'm kinda too tired to finish this thought.  I don't know.  Maybe God will do my (and my family) a favor and let me die in my sleep.  Please God, if it is your will, let it be.  If it isn't, then grant me the strength to get through it.  Of course you probably don't exist anyway and I'm praying to nothing, but you HAVE to exist.  We feel the void in our coniousness and most people come up with the same answer: God.  So God, save me, help me, or fucking kill me already.  I'm done with this.  I don't even have my final out anymore.  Oh well, maybe I'll find one, let's hope so.  I'm publishing this unedited etc. etc.  Good bye.  Gabbi, Ally, I love you, but the pain will be temporary, better to have a lot of pain now then to see me find my rock bottom and keep on digging. 

Sometimes . . .

I wish I had the courage to end it all.  I really do.  If only, life would be better for all.  I'm so selfish to keep going.  I just ruined a birthday party, please, I wish someone would kill me and finally ease the burden on everyone else around me.  Alas, despite my most desperate wishes, I'm still here.  Why?