The End

That's it.  I'm done with this.  Goodbye.  This blog truly has been A Step Towards Oblivion, I've been walking toward nothingness.  I'm going to miss this and I'm going to keep it online, but I'm done walking toward nothing.  Today (and for the past 36 days) I'm no longer walking toward nothing.  I'm walking toward something.  I don't know what it is, but I'll know when I get there.  If you want to continue to follow my journey, you can at: grokkingsobriety.BlogSpot.com .

Okay, I don't know what to write about today but I feel like writing.  I feel like expelling all this pent up anxiety and letting it go into the world.  I know that nobody reads this, well I guess some people do, I get between one and two page views a day.  What should I say?  Right now I'm worried that I haven't gotten any hours since Saturday and now I won't be able to pay rent on time.  That's okay I should be able to pay it just a week late and I'll be able to get December's paid on Friday which is tomorrow.  Wow, this week went by fast.  I should say Merry Christmas to all of those who do read this.  I had a great Christmas.  I got exactly what I wanted and I was able to get something for everyone on my list.  I know already that I won't be alone for New Years, that's a good thing I guess.  I'll be spending it with Val out at the bars, I've never been out for New Years before.  I apologized to Sarah last night and she said that she's not ready to forgive me yet.  I understand.  I guess I understand.  I'm supposed to understand.  I'm lonely, but I've learned that it's nobody else's responsibility to make me less lonely, if I'm lonely I have to take care of it myself.  I'm scared because I won't be able to pay rent on time.  I'm afraid that I'll go a long time without getting any hours.  So I guess that sums in up.  One the day after Christmas, 2013, I'm lonely and scared.  I'm fighting addiction and loneliness.  My mom and sister have move to Springfield because my mom and step-dad divorced, so now they're further away from me than they've ever been.  Not that I see them that much anyway, but I liked the option of seeing them.  I miss them already.  The phrase that keeps on going through my head is "I want to go home."  When I'm actually at home I think that the home I mean is here, and maybe it is, maybe what I'm really saying is I don't want to leave here.  I don't want to go home and back to reality.  Reality is an empty room, alone with my books, an empty fridge, a lonely house.  It means drug using roommates that make it impossible to stay sober.  It means having to lock my door when I go to the bathroom because I don't know what kind of crack whore my roommate will bring into the house and who knows what can happen in the few minutes I'm in the bathroom.  I don't want to go home.  I want to say here wrapped safely in my womb.  Drugs can't get to me here.  I've never alone because Fritzie's always here.  There's always food in the fridge, I'll never go hungry.  I'll never grow up if I stay here forever.  I have to go back to the real world and face the challenges of being an adult.  I'm scared.  I'm always afraid.  I don't want to go home.  I want to cry, but I can't unless I'm coming down off of drugs and I happen to find myself in church.  Yeah, I'm going to church.  The long time atheist has found the joys of God and Jesus.  It's scary to admit, but I'm alone and powerless without God.  God please, I don't want to go home.  I just want to stay here forever.  I have to go home.  I can't stay here forever.  I have to go home and face temptation and addiction and roommates and the constant, undying loneliness.  It's the right thing to do.  It's okay, I'll be fine.

Thanksgiving 2013

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  What am I thankful for this year?  At the moment, not much.  I'm grateful for all the things that everyone's thankful for, a roof over my head, food in my over inflated belly, a job.  I just don't want to be here, or anywhere for that matter.  I'm going to die when I'm 36, but that's 8 years away and I really don't want to wait that long.  Who knows, maybe I won't.  My little sister used to be my reason for not killing myself and now that I'm not her brother anymore, I really have no reason to keep on going.  My current plan is to wait until my other little sister's wedding day and kill myself then.  That way I ruin her big day.  I'm not sure why I want to ruin her day, but at least the day I died will be remembered then.  I don't want my death to be meaningless.  I could go on a shooting spree and commit suicide by cop, but the part of me that still hopes for a Heaven won't let me do that.  Besides, those people aren't remembered anymore.  It happens too often.  Maybe I'll take a gun to work and shoot myself in the head right in the middle of my first complete of the day.  That would be interesting and at least for the people that are there that day, they'll never forget me, or at least they'll never forget my final act.

So that is me on Thanksgiving 2013, still contemplating suicide.  I really wish I had the guts to just end it all.

So grateful for my new meds . . .

With the help of a very old anti-psychotic medication and Lebanon Urgent Care, Manny is now dead.  Well not dead, but at least asleep for a while.  I love this stuff, just a few days on it and Manny goes to sleep.  Of course it causes me to want to sleep all the time too which I can't really afford now that I'm working 35 hours a week and having to wake up at 5:00 AM, but if it puts Manny to sleep it's worth it.

On another, non-Manny related note, I'm reading "Atlas Shrugged" and not only does it make me feel really smart, it's an amazing book.  You should all read it some time if you get the chance.

The voices, the voices, oh my God, the Voices

So Manny's back in my life and he's almost as much of a bitch as he was last time.  It's not quite as bad as last time because for the most part, I can tell what's real and what's Manny fucking with me.  Still, it's soul crushing to constantly hear your friends bad mouthing you in the back of your head.  It never really goes away, but for some reason it never bothers me at work or when I'm on a computer listening to music.  So I know how to handle him this time around and I'm getting insurance at the beginning of the year so I'll be able to get the meds that subdue him then, but for the next two months I have to deal with it.

In other news, I switched to day shift at work so now I'm getting 35 hours a week at $10/hr, so that's a good thing.  Talk to you all later.

--Jason

Too depressed for words

I'm with my family, there's good food on the way and I just finished a good book.  I should be happy.  I'm not.  I'm depressed, really depressed and I just can't shake it.  Of course I've been off my meds for a couple of months now and I won't get any more till January, so I guess that's just depression for you.  Still I wish I could snap out of it and be happy again.  Oh well, such is life in mid-October 2013.

Life changes

So not only did I go back to my old neighborhood, I moved there.  I don't feel like talking about it.

A promise made . . . will it be kept?

I have no idea.  I just promised my best friend that I wouldn't drink for an entire month.  Riding on this is me going out for my once a year hurrah and basically my entire friendship with Sarah.  I don't know if I have the balls to pull this one off.  I LOVE drinking so much, but if it means that much to my best friend then I know I can do it.  Still, I have 2/3 of a bottle of 151 left to drink.  I'm taking a shot every five minutes till it's gone or I pass out.  I quit Meth, but only because Manny became too much of a bitch to deal with, does that mean I can quit alcohol and only use it in moderation after I'm done quitting?  I don't know, but I do know it's time for another shot.  I've already drank more 151 than most people can handle, and I'm still going, Shit, I have to piss, lol.

Time to play Atomic Power Hour

So I'm about half way through my Payday fifth and I went outside and thought about it for a long time, finally I decided that I can drink this fifth Atomic Power Hour style and still drink almost to my heart's content tomorrow in the park.  So I'm going to write a sentence every five minutes till the bottom of the bottle.

10:45 Feelin good, I should really get my ass off of Facebook.
10:55 I forgot to post at 10:50, but I'm still here feeling good!
I forgot to post at 11:00 and a 11:05, but I'm thinking of trying to get to Lebanon in 2 hrs in the middle of my drunken Haze and see if I can make it, bad idea, probabbly
?

4 hours later . . .

Apparently I puked in the trash can, and I didn't decide to walk to Lebanon, that's a good thing I guess, I feel like I could walk the night to Lebanon, but I don't think that would be a good idea.  I need to go outside and clean out the trash can. . . ewww.   oh well at least it was me instead of somebody else.

I got a job

Not the best of jobs, but it's a job.  I'm actually making money instead of sleeping all day and staring at the computer begging God for relief.  I'm not sure what else to say, I just want to document that I actually am working and feeling slightly better about myself.  That's not to say that suicide is out of the question, just that it seems like slightly less of a possibility.