Hey everyone,
The reason I haven't been posting is two-fold. One: I've been incredibly busy at work, the past two days (28th & 29th) I got to train on Polaroid DVD players TV's etc. It is so much fun, I'm having such a great time at work now. Taking only the appliance calls has gotten so monotonous. A setting up service, transfer to parts line, 3 to 5 business days om 3-5, om, 3-5 om, lol. So this training is going great. The other part of the two is: apparently somebody got suspended for being online, in non-work related sites. So I write at grave risk of house and home.

In other news: To all a Happy Hallows Eve. Unfortunately I work :( Not that I would have done anything anyways. Oh yeah, and more beautiful news, right as I was walking out my door, it started poring down rain, so I got to use my umbrella for the first time :) So life, while lonely is going okay. I saw Malcom in the Middle the other day and there was this guy that spent all his time at a park playing chess with people who didn't like him. He was content because he didn't know any better. I guess ignorance truly is bliss, and that's what I'm going to try to do. I am going to tell myself that life is good and everything is happy, so even if I don't believe it now, I may be able to pile enough Bull onto my emotions so that I can actually believe that I am happy to be alone. I did that in high school when I didn't have to, but now I'm doing it out of necessity.

But really, I'm not all that depressed right now. And I'm having some fun at work. So how's everybody else??

I'm trying to think about how to express my feeling without seeming like I'm wining. I feel the opposite of content. I feel tremulous, well maybe tremulous, but it's more perturbed than tremulous. Tremulous is more nervous for a reason, perturbed is more uneasy. That's how I really feel right now, uneasy.

My palms are sweaty, it could be the dreams I've been having the past couple of nights. I don't really remember last nights dream, though I know it involves the friends that I had during highschool. The night before I dreamt that I was in a pawn store, and I was picking out video games, and then I was picking out cigarettes. But then I left the store, I walked down the road which was a freeway in Eugene and I met with Shane, Opal, and another kid from Job Corps, I don't remember his name, he was Tony's bitch from what I remember. But I think it had to do with people coming in and out of each other's lives.

Then a dream after that, I'm scuba diving with I think Shane and Opal, and maybe my cousins. I don't remember exactly who, but it was people that I trusted completely. It's dark outside, and for some reason there's a ceiling above the water. The water is gray and stormy. There's a submarine involved in the dream, though I'm not sure where.

I think these dreams are telling me that I'm fearing the futility of it all. That no matter what we do or where we go, there is really no purpose. But also there is no substitution for true friends.

Honestly, I think God has given me all the chances at happiness that he's going to give me. I know this goes against my nominally agnostic principles, but in the perfect world God will give everybody chances to improve their lives, but only a certain number. So in my idealized vision of the super natural world, god has given me chances, and I have spit in his face. Now I live the rest of my life as a lowly cog in the corporate machine.

So I was just reminiscing about Job Corps. In the old cliche' it was the best of time and the worst of times. Right now I'm thinking about the best of times. Job Corps was the one time in my life when I had friends. I had a group, a clique, I was someone. I had purpose in life. Oh what I wouldn't give for friends again.
Alas, I've decided that I want to do something today. I have some extra money, and I don't really want to go home and drink, I do that with every day off. I also don't feel like going to g-ma's tomorrow, but I know I'll end up doing that. I'm sick of playing video games, and I'm sick of seeking distraction and satisfaction through meaningless activities. I want to do something seeing a movie maybe, but there's nothing out that I want to see, plus what fun is going to movies alone. Maybe I'll see if Christina and Desmond (my cousins and her bf) want to do something. The trouble is what. Drinking is running it's course and now it's old. I could go shopping for the sake of shopping, but there's nothing that I really want or need, maybe egg nog, but nah. So what will follow is a brain storm, unless I get interrupted by a call, which of course I was, right in the middle of the word interrupted. So here it goes.

Brian Storm:
Movies
Video Games
Drinking
Concert
Grandma's
Shopping
Bar (damn, I'm too young)
Rent a movie
Call Jenn
Bowling (alone?)
Pool (is there a pool hall in this town?)

So it is decided, I will do nothing. I will be nothing, and all of the sudden I have a craving for crab. Maybe I'll see if g-ma and g-pa want to go to dinner tonight, my treat of course. Hmm Chinese, I won't have to eat for a week. Or maybe I could just go to safeway and spend 10 dollars on a crab. I really want crab, hmmmm, crab.

So I just finished reading a book and I thought I'd give a little review.

The book was Dr. Death by some nameless mystery writer (do any of them have names.) It's about this psychologist who helps on a murder case. In the case a Jack Kavorkian parody is murdered and mutilated. They think it's the family of one of his "patients." And so the assumption goes for 300 pages or so, until they get a revelation from an FBI guy who tells them the murder fits a case he's been obsessing over for 10 years or so. Then the FBI guy isn't an FBI guy, but an excommunicated agent who was fired after he went crazy when his daughter died. Another part of the mystery is who actually killed the victim. The big secret: the person who actually killed Dr. death's victim who's family aledgedy murdered Dr. Death is a judge and neighbor of the victim because the female was having an affair with her teenage daughter. Okay, it's not even 7 am, I shouldn't even be awake for two hours. And my new name is: "not you."

Or so I'm called at least twice a day which is more than people say my real name. So from now on my name at work is: "not you"

So besides the inevitability of getting fired, they were 8 hours short on my goddam paycheck. I mean how dare they! I work hard for my money and all I have to show for it is $515 dollars? Lawyers make more than that an hour! Alas, I got another customer compliment today, so I hope my compliments cancel out my mistakes. Now I have 63 minutes to kill without a book. Things slow down here after 6, but we also go from 6 to 2 reps on haier, so I think I may get more calls. I have to go shopping today, but my uncle gave me wise advise. Never go shopping for food when you're hungry. Realistically, I have enough food, but I need milk and cookies. Hmmm milk and cookies sounds really good right now. But seriously, I need milk. I don't like going into safeway, too snooty, and no self checkout. Self checkout is the most amazing invention of the 21st century. Walmart has it, fred myers has it, safeway needs it. That's it, I'm going to safeway.com to tell them they need self check out.

I am going to get fired, it is inevitable. I am so afraid, I keep on making mistakes, when I shouldn't. These mistakes are piling up, and soon they will boil over and I will be without a job again. I am so afraid. I really need and want this job. I love this job and I'm so afraid to loose it. God help me, I'm near panic and I don't know what to do. It seems the harder I try, the more mistakes I make. I need to be perfect. I have to be perfect. Perfection is what I need right now. Somebody please help me. I am so afraid right now. I need to be perfect.

1. First name? Jason
2. Were you named after anyone? Jason from Friday the 13th
3. Do you wish on stars? not anymore, ah the innocence of childhood
4. When did you last cry? is there really a good answer to this question
5. Do you like your handwriting? yeah, because only I can read it
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? black forrest ham
7. What is your birth date? 8/19/85 same as Bill Clinton
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? La Miserables (high school choir practice)9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? sure
10. Do you have a journal? does a Blog count?
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? only as a last r
12. What are your nicknames? Jay, j-j, dumbass (say my 13 y/o sis)
13. Would you bungee jump? sure, but base jumping would be more fun
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? no
15. Do you think that you are strong? nah
16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? mint without chocolate chips
18. Red or pink? crimson
19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? just one?
20. Who do you miss most? my friend from Job Corps who's in iraq now treating our wounded
21. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? nope, not gonna send this to anyone
22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? black, all black
23. What are you listening to right now? The song from Kingdom Hearts that won't stop playing in my head
24. Last thing you ate? rodeo burger
25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? forrest green, the green that everybody likes
26. What is the weather like right now? dark
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? some weird guy that called the wrong number at midnight
28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? their vocabulary
29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? yep
30. Favorite drink? holiday pepsi and rum (yey, it's almost holiday pepsi time)
31. Favorite sport? pool, poker, bowling, golf
32. Hair color? brown almost black
33. Eye color? gray/blue
34. Contacts? I should get them
35. Favorite food? Izzy's pizza, I love their crust
36. Last movie watched? Patriot with Stephen Segal, not Mel Gibson
37. Favorite day of the year? winter solstice
38. Scary movies or Happy endings? sad endings
39. Summer or winter? winter
40. Hugs or kisses? neither, because I can't I have both
41. What is your favorite dessert? chocolate marble cheesecake with raspberry sauce
42. Who is most likely to respond? I think I am the last person to get this email so everyone already has, No I am, so no one43. Who is least likely to respond? not sending to anyone
44. Living arrangements? alone
45. What books are you reading? Dr. Death and Blood Canticle
46. What's on your mouse pad? We're not good enough for mouse pads
47. What did you watch last night on TV? Leno
48. Favorite smells? rain, fresh cut grass, fresh cigarette smoke
49. Favorite sounds? *ding* Haier, ha ha ha
50. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles,
51. What's the farthest you've been from home? Maryland and Hawaii, Maryland felt further
52. Do you have a special talent? The amazing ability to explain auto search to a 90 y/o woman

To everybody and nobody, but mostly to myself:

I am so acutely depressed today. It's not something like: oh I hate my life I want to end it etc. It's more like: why am I here? Is there a reason I'm alone? Will I always be alone? I know there's a noble phrase for what I'm feeling. Divine obscurity.

There's a good phrase, somehow the word divine makes even the most bland of phrases seem Nobel. Divine nobility, there's a good phrase. Wouldn't that be the pope and his minions? Divine minions, that's not a good phrase, that would be like Holy Hellraisers (that's a pretty phrase)

So back to my original phrase: divine obscurity. Some days I wish I was messed up, because the mentally ill never feel this guilt or their mortality as hard as I do. Alas, mortality beckons.

To answer Gregg's questions: I did have some trouble in school up until 10th grade or so. I could never seem to turn in assignments on time, so my first two years of high school I had something like a 1.2 GPA. Then in 10th grade I found "herbal" remedies for depression, etc. I always thought that to be one of the great ironies of my life. That the further I got into herbs, the better my grades got.

To answer his other question: I have talked to various counselors etc. They never told me anything worth any value. Besides, real therapy is expensive. While I was at Job Corps, I was on Paxil, and that helped to a certain extent, I was more social, but no less socially inept. I just wasn't as afraid of making mistakes, and when I did it wasn't as big a deal. It was as if Paxil took away my obsessive way that I tend to worry about problems, and replaced it with gross indifference. That's why I gained 60 lbs. At Job Corps, it's all so clear now! Paxil was my savior and my destructor.

Alas, work beckons, so I must depart. Thanks Gregg for your interest.

Because I'm not witty enough, to start this post, I'm going to start with my favorite cliche':

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good: I've been selected for cross training, as far as I know, no pay raise

The Bad: It's Monday, what else is there to say

The Ugly: I made horrible disgusting mistakes on my calls on Saturday.

The Goal Today: No mistakes :) A perfect day!