I'm trying to think about how to express my feeling without seeming like I'm wining. I feel the opposite of content. I feel tremulous, well maybe tremulous, but it's more perturbed than tremulous. Tremulous is more nervous for a reason, perturbed is more uneasy. That's how I really feel right now, uneasy.

My palms are sweaty, it could be the dreams I've been having the past couple of nights. I don't really remember last nights dream, though I know it involves the friends that I had during highschool. The night before I dreamt that I was in a pawn store, and I was picking out video games, and then I was picking out cigarettes. But then I left the store, I walked down the road which was a freeway in Eugene and I met with Shane, Opal, and another kid from Job Corps, I don't remember his name, he was Tony's bitch from what I remember. But I think it had to do with people coming in and out of each other's lives.

Then a dream after that, I'm scuba diving with I think Shane and Opal, and maybe my cousins. I don't remember exactly who, but it was people that I trusted completely. It's dark outside, and for some reason there's a ceiling above the water. The water is gray and stormy. There's a submarine involved in the dream, though I'm not sure where.

I think these dreams are telling me that I'm fearing the futility of it all. That no matter what we do or where we go, there is really no purpose. But also there is no substitution for true friends.

Honestly, I think God has given me all the chances at happiness that he's going to give me. I know this goes against my nominally agnostic principles, but in the perfect world God will give everybody chances to improve their lives, but only a certain number. So in my idealized vision of the super natural world, god has given me chances, and I have spit in his face. Now I live the rest of my life as a lowly cog in the corporate machine.