I know I haven't been posting too much lately, I've just been too busy to sit down and write. Just a quick overview before I get onto what I really want to write about. I finally got that damned senior position about a month ago and things are going good but not great. I think I expected the job to fill a void in me that it just couldn't. I know there's something missing in my life, but I can't seem to find what I'm long for. It's that old undefined sense of longing. Could it simply be a biological urge to reproduce, or maybe I'm craving a relationship, but I've never had one so I know it's not that, or maybe I'm simply feeling my mortality. Which brings me to the real reason I'm writing today.

Anna Nicole Smith died. I know I shouldn't be affected by this, I'm rarely affected by celebrity deaths and never like this. There's just something about her struggle to make something of her life, and ultimately failing that hits something deep in me. What if no matter how hard I try, I don't make it? For all the limited financial success I've achieved, I still haven't found love or anything to fill that void. Now this is getting redundant to me, so I'll end with this note. I'm going to see that cheerleader from high school this weekend that had a crush on me at one time, so everybody wish me luck!

Ah, a good mood is such a fleeting thing. Last night my soul was filled with optimism, I actually did something nice for someone without expecting anything in return. Maybe I've become a heartless automaton, but yesterday for no good reason everything seemed okay. I was optimistic about my new job, but this bitter, bitter old spinster insists on making this job hell for me. I desperately want to be optimistic about this job, but God it is SO hard sometimes. It's not that I can't do the work, but right now it's this old hag next to be that insists on killing my spirit, what a complete bitch. And she doesn't really try to hide it. You know what this is, it's passive aggressiveness.

A distant tugging at my soul and here I am alone for all the world to see. Fine that was just random word strung together to make something. But this is my blog and I can write what I want, though slowly this is starting to mean nothing to me since all of this is the same that it was a week ago, a month ago, a year ago. Nothing ever changes. For example, yet another senior rep. possistion opened and just like a month ago and eight months ago and ten months ago I'm going to apply for it. And just like happened last time, and the time before and the time before that, I'll come this close *hold fingers* but not quite there. How many times does this have to happen before I finally give up? And what do I mean by give up? I don't know anymore, all I know is that something got to give soon. Either I get the job and my routine is broken, or I don't get the job and my routine isn't broken, in which case I'll probably do something drastic that I'll regret, or maybe I won't. Maybe I really am a bi-polar schizophrenic sociopath. Maybe I'm just a product of mental illness, and if this were true, I cannot be held responsible for any actions. Imagine the possibilities.

So my mother calls me last night freaked out over me being potentially bi-polar, since when does that bitch have a right to give a fuck about me? Wow, where did that come from? I don't know, but let's go with it. Actually let's not, I'm just so tired of being so stressed, so angry and depressed, and now this will take an extraordinary amount of effort to fix, not to mention money. My mom acted really strange last night, like she was talking down to me and pretending to care now that she realizes that something real might be wrong with me, even though she's always treated me like shit. I repeat, what gives her the right to give a fuck about me now after all that she's put me through. She was never there for me growing up, we were always so fucking poor. I didn't even ask for graduation picture, or year books, I was embarrassed asking for graduation ware. What am I doing here, I'm at the very edge of tears right now just because mommy didn't love me. Goddamn her for putting me through this. This is all her fault, just like every fucked up thing in my life, it's all her fault. I was fine with being bi-polar, my thought was I've always been like this, so now my life can finally start to get better. I've always been one to wallow in self pity, but I would never let people feel for me. I don't really want anybody to care. It's weird, I want people not to care, I say that all I want is for somebody to care, but when they do I get nervous and try to push them away. Like it's un-manly to need somebody to say it's going to be okay.

So my shrink tells me I may be bi-polar, manic depressive, or something like that. Which makes a lot of sense, every bad thing in my life can be categorized into manic or depressed. What I'm concerned about in this post is that if I'm always in some state of mania or depression, where is the real me? Does the real me actually exist or am I a merely a culmination of mental distress?

Do you ever wake up too depressed to get out of bed, do you still get out of bed or do you role over and spend the day crying, wallowing in self pity? Well I rolled out of bed this morning and 5:15 (Before dawn!) and even though I've been at work for almost two hours, I'm still fighting to keep back the tears for no good reason. Maybe it's just that last week was a week of constant rejection. I put myself out there no less than three times last week and nothing was successful, no promotion, A doesn't hate me but can never think of me as anything other than some guy from work, I mentioned interest in Cassie and she ignores me. There you go, the hat trick of rejection, I think this is a record even for me. But finally, one small, minute thing goes right for me. There was too much availability on the phones, and they picked me to take a half hour off (paid!). I know it isn't much, but when you're feeling as down as me, there's nowhere to go but up. On the bright side, well there really is no bright side, but 6 shots of espresso later and everything is tainted by caffeine. So smile the first day of the weekend is almost 1/4 over.

Hope is such a fleeting thing and every time I think it's dead, it just isn't. This weekend was filled with hope that by Monday morning was killed and is now just the dull ache of bitter disappointment in the corner of my soul. There is a long and boring explanation to all of this, along with feeling to go with all of it, but for now I'll give you the short:

Last week I thought for some reason that there might be something between me and a girl at work who happened to break up with her boyfriend. But I asked her out for a drink a couple of nights in a row, she seems to be busy most night. And if movies have taught me anything that when a girl is busy more than two nights in a row then they're not interested. So that ended civilly, not a big deal. I made it clear that I might be interested and she made it equally clear that she isn't without any embarrassing moments for either of us.

Then before that I had applied for a promotion, I didn't think I really had a chance, but I applied for it anyway trying desperately not to get my hopes up. But then get I get called into a meeting, I joked and asked if I was in trouble, they said no and that it's something positive. So for a few seconds I let myself believe that I got the job. And then, I didn't get the senior job. But as a compliment to Job Corps, my supervisor who has doing interviews for 15 years said that I had the best interview skills she's ever seen. Of course that doesn't make it any easier. They told me that it was "this close" *holds her fingers really close* between me and another person. But they said that to me last time. Who knows maybe in another 9 months, I can apply for another senior job and it'll be this close *holds fingers even closer*. So for now I just smile and accept the rejection yet again, and realize that life really doesn't have anything better in store for me.

So now we have two cases of hope, then rejection. And now the last, and maybe least bit of rejection. I jump online for a few minutes after work on Friday before loosing myself in a cloud of smoke and I see a girl from highschool online. I hadn't thought about her in months, but for some reason I was filled with more hope than I probably should have been, but maybe it's because I was still feeling a little rejected by the girl from work. Either way, I start thinking, maybe hanging out with her will be fun, I haven't been to Eugene for a couple of months etc. She even started talking about slightly less than professional stuff, i.e. smoking stuff and other adult activities. And then a boyfriend. Not a huge deal, but I always tend to think of the maybe, just maybies in life.

So there you have it, a weekend that was alternately the best weekend ever and the trip into despair and it all stems from that bitter seed hope.

Die hope. Die.

I just woke up from the most amazing dream. Where all my deepest desires came true. It wasn't a "wet" dream, it was more bliss in dream form. I've been trying to convince myself that I have no chance with that crush, and I know I don't now, I just need to accept it. But in my dream all of the reasons why it cannot be vanished. And it was just me, holding her in my arms, while she cried for everything that has gone bad in life. Let's try to hold that dream just a second or two longer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Now it's in my memory forever, but even as I write it, I'm embarrassed of it.

So I came to an epiphany last night in the middle of a haze of smoke. It occurred to me that I have never had any trouble making one or two good friends wherever I go, except for the cruise line job, but that was just my little trip to Hell. And the people that do get to know me almost always like me. But I also have a deep seeded fear of rejection. So to prevent people from getting to know the real me, I don't put up barriers like a normal person. That would be too easy. What I do is act like a completely different person around people when they get to close. I'm such an ass to people that get too close because I'd rather have them reject the fake me than the real me. I'm afraid of people seeing the real me and still hating me. I have such a pattern of that in life.

God I'm so sorry to all those people that tried to get to know and couldn't. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please forgive me. And if you don't, I understand I'm sorry God forgive me. This is my dominant feeling when I get home and I'm alone staring at these walls or this near-dead computer, I feel regret all the time. I ask the universe one more time for forgiveness, because I really am a nice guy, I'm sorry.

The highest of highs, followed by the lowest of lows. Hope and unexpected fortune give way to fear and despair. Confidence gives ways to cockiness gives way to nothingness.

You know what, fuck it. I need to embrace depression and rejection. The hard part is maintaining a fake smile for all the happy people when all I want to do is crawl into the hole and cry. For what it's worth, I have yet to be rejected by my almost secret crush. But on that end, I'm not getting my hopes up at all. Yet when has the ever worked. It seems the more I try to suppress hope the harder it hits me when it doesn't pan out. Maybe I'll go home tonight and embrace hope. Let my fantasies wander over to the absurd, dare myself to hope. And the purpose for that little exercise, a few minutes of bliss is always worth a few hours, days, weeks, years of pain and suffering.

I was telling somebody earlier today who was complaining about being lonely: At first it hurts, like nobody will ever love you again. Then after a while, when the loneliness just doesn't go away, you realize that it's true. You still have that deep seed of hope waiting to be given breath, but it gets buried deeper and deeper until for all you know it disappears or just dies. But it's still there waiting for a chance to poke it's ugly head, and when it does you try to kill it. But this little seed just won't die. You can bury it a little deeper each time. And who knows, maybe next time it won't find it's way back.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Daily Extended Forecast for November 22, 2006 Provided by Astrology.com Daily Teen Forecast Leo July 23 - August 22

The romance in your life will be greatly amplified today -- and whether or not you have a romantic partner is irrelevant. People will want to be as close to you as you let them, so try to take advantage of the closeness. Barriers between you and someone you know in an official or professional capacity are coming down, and you will get a nice glimpse of this person's great big heart. Make sure you let him or her know that you noticed this generous act.

Look at that horoscope, if ever a horoscope has been relevant this is it. But I think that I am going to hide one more time. Sure this could be my chance at something that I dare not hope for, but in the risk v.s. reward column it's definitely not worth it. Or more likely, I'm just scared. I know I have to conquer my fears, but something tells me this isn't the time. Of course my shrink says (or maybe I say, because he doesn't say much) that I shouldn't let past experiences of rejection prevent me from success now. Alas, instead of facing my fears for remotely obscure chance at success, I will run home and hide from the world. Maybe clean my house, watch some Frasier and have a couple of drinks. If anybody is reading this, I would love to know if any of this makes any sense at all, or even if it doesn't.