Why is a kiss ever just a kiss? I don't know what it should be, but it should never be just a kiss. There shouldn't be such thing as "just a kiss." Why can a drunken kiss prove to one that "we're just friends" and prove to the other that we should be so much more? And in the interest of keeping the friendship I get to smile and take rejection like it doesn't affect me at all, all the while feeling the sweet sting every time I see her. Alas, the tragedy of my life.

So I'm down 20 lbs since October, I've found God, and I'm three days into Chantix to quit smoking cigarettes. I don't know how all this happened, just a series of weird events that led to self improvement. It certainly wasn't my choice. I would have never chosen to make the things better that I can. It's too simple and not dramatic enough for me. I want some grandiose gesture some sudden spark of realization that will make everything better and find my Happily Ever After. But I don't think one thing will make everything better and Happily Ever After, Love at First Site don't exist.

Somehow I ended up doing all this positive stuff. I end up loosing weight because I'm stressed and broke and simply do not have the money for all the food that I used to eat. Instead I get one meal a day from the money I put into the household food fund, add that to all the stress that I've gone through and suddenly I'm down 20 lbs in six months.

As far as finding God, randomly some stranger who's read my blog for years recommends church and because I had nothing better to do a Sunday morning and once again woke up at the edge of tears, I go. I don't like it the first time, but again I found myself with nothing better to do on a Sunday morning and I go again. And suddenly I realize that I've been looking for somebody to give a damn about me and my problems and, because I can't find it in humanity, I'll indulge a little faith and let myself believe that something out there loves me and cares. It's just filling a whole ripped open unintentionally by my poor stoner parents, but at least the hole is filled.

And finally Chantix. That medical drug that will make everything better. The end of vices in a pill. It's free. It's as simple as that. What can it possibly hurt to take a free pill that didn't cost anything including the doctor's visit? And because it's free is enough reason to take anything,(see Whipits, Coke, my first Perk), why not use that destructive drive for something good.

So I didn't set out to loose 20 lbs, quit smoking and find God, but here I am and I'm still feeling empty. See, no matter how much I improve myself, I'm still lonely. And I know that I need to accept the fact that I'm single and just not feel the loneliness, but when I'm sitting here all alone with nobody to comfort me except my blog, it all comes back.

I don't know.

God loves me and for now that's enough. I've always been told that I have to love myself before anybody else can love me, and I've never been able to feel that love for myself. I just couldn't grasp how I am supposed to love me, if nobody else can love me, how am I supposed to love me. Even now I don't love myself, but I know that God does and somehow that's enough of a first step. So thank you anonymous commenter, in this moment I feel loved. Love without condition, no matter how much I hate myself and despise myself for what I've done (even though I know I've never done anything that bad) I am loved. The same unconditional love that I try to give to almost anybody, has always been returned by God and now I feel it. Thank you God. In this moment, I love you too.

I am not a stalker. I was sitting around hanging out with my friends and M brother R and K were clearly flirting. At this point I'm more baked then a baked brie and I make a comment "I think they should just have sex and it over with," which was apparently very offensive because he went straight for the jugular and said "At least I can embrace a friendship instead of coming across as a creepy stalker."

Which is always a deep fear of mine. What if I am some creepy stalker that nobody likes? What if all that the roommates are filling my head with is bullshit? What if me and M really will never be, what if nobody likes me? That comment basically threw me into a panic attack. I made a semi-polite exit saying it was time for me to go to bed then I sped home so I could quiver up into a ball and cry. Every time I woke up that's all I could think about and I was able to calm myself down a bit, but as I wake up for the day, I'm still panicking. I don't know.

What's scary is the panic is as much over potentially not seeing her tonight as it is about her thinking I'm a stalker. What is wrong with me? Why do I get so attached to people? Especially if I'm not even dating them? Her brother seems to think that I will never have any chance with her and loves to remind me of it, my roommates who only hear my side of the story seem to think that I might have a chance. Obviously her brother is right there, he sees us interacting and he talks to her away from me. I don't know what I think at all. I know I want companionship and I thought M would provide it eventually if I wait long enough.

Of course what I'm going to do is discuss the stalker comment like an adult. And I know it will all be okay and I know it will be. I'm just still afraid that she won't want to hang out tonight. Isn't this all stalkerish and obsessive?

I went to church and I still feel empty. I was so inspired when I saw the response that I got, I was at the 9:00 AM service this morning. I still so full empty and devoid of meaning, I know I had some moments of joy and acceptance and I desperately want to hang onto them. They say no matter how much life sucks, rejoice and worship god. I'm just not there yet. I just can't worship someone else when I'm still feeling like such a piece of shit myself. Ugh, I'm so lonely I just want everything to go away and life to get better. Of course how can I know how to make things better when I don't even know what's wrong with life?

On another note, the entire time I was at church I kept on glancing around for someone that I know, maybe cluing me in on who has read my blog for a couple of years. I'm curious. How can someone read who I really am in all my insecurities and irrationalities and still want to talk to me?

Somebody comment!!! It's been over two months since anybody has commented on this. I swear my life is getting interesting. The Mh thing heats up and cools down, relational osmosis? I want something more, she doesn't. Happily ever after is forever beyond my grasp, somebody, please, tell me it's going to be okay. That's all I want. The same thing I give to anybody that's stressed out, I just want somebody to tell me "it's going to be okay" and no telling myself that is not enough, for whatever disturbed reason, I'm not good enough to judge if something will all be okay. Ugh. Somebody please though, just say hi here. You'll make the day of a lonely stoner.

This is post number 300!! Nothing to say in it, life is life and it still sucks, but 300 posts later and I'm still alive. Who knew? How many times have I come to this blog on the edge of suicide? And now look at me, not much further from the edge, but I haven't gone over yet. In other more exciting news, Watchmen is the best thing ever. Where has it been all my life? Not much to say, but that's what happens when I try to write when I'm not emotional. Here's to 300 more posts without falling off the edge.

I need someone to start my life with, but who cares? Who cares that I have so much to offer a girl, who cares if there's somebody out there for everyone. Except for those people who die alone and miserable with their family all dead and keep cats for company. Of course I'm going to end up like that. I'm never going to find anybody. Even if I did find somebody I won't know what to do with them. Well maybe I will. I think I'm at a point in my life where I really could be good in a relationship. I finally understand how they work. You have to get to know someone first, date people that you can see spending all your time with instead of girls that are good for fun. I want all of that. I want my happily ever after. I'm sick of being a bachelor. I want a wife and kids and a job and a house and a nice car. I want to take vacations with the kids and grow old with someone. All my dreams of adventure are finally dead. I just want what everyone else has. I'm tired of living like this. Desperately trying to distract myself from the inevitable at any cost. Because as soon as I have any time to think at all, I dwell on the fact that I will most likely die alone. I'm constantly reading or watching TV or doodling in Power Point at work. I can never let my mind stay idle because if I do I'm left alone with my own obsessive thoughts. Why can't I be normal? Why do I have to constantly talk myself down from panic attacks? I just want to be normal. Please God give my Happily Ever After and the American dream. Give me what everyone else has. I know it's not the solution to all of my problems, it's just the start of the solution. I'm sick of disappointing my family that I'm not married, I still don't have a steady girlfriend, that's all they want out of me and I can't even give them that. I'm such a failure. I'm never going to amount to anything and everyone knows it, especially me. I don't know why I keep going except for it's better than the alternative.

Just a little reminder to myself the next time I'm feeling obsessive. When my mind is going over the same piece of information over and over again, trying desperately to feed some irrational need, smoke a bowl. When it's an endless cycle of self hate swirling through your mind, smoke more weed, and when you feel guilty, smoke weed.

I quit, I'm mother fucking done. When a friendship can be changed in an instant by an accident, it's all so fragile. Why hope for anything more out of life than debt ridden obscurity? Why can life go from a moment of clarity so Divine like seeing love how it really is, rather than what I wanted it to be, to oh my god, look what I did. I didn't mean to, I bumped into a table with something valuable on it and a water filled vase. The vase spilled and the valuable is ruined. All of the sudden, I'm even more broke than I was before. All I want is my happily ever after, why is that too much to ask?