Me asking her out everyday is just me trying to establish myself outside of the friend zone, when I'm probably already there and even if I'm not, I still have a really sweet friend and I didn't know this yesterday or the day before, but at this moment I realize that's more than enough in life. I may not realize this tomorrow or the next day but at this moment, I am zen.

Within a circle of salt.

A symbol of past failure.

Purged from this earth

In the flame of creation.

I am bound no more.

She's fucking with me! It’s S. She messages me all day every day at work or at home and I love hanging out with her, but I’m obviously not her type! When she can get the big tough auto-mechanic guy named Korn, what the hell does she want with me? She could have most any guy she wants, well maybe not, but a hell of a lot better than me, and she’s playing with me like this. With every message from her, I get a little more attached, and yeah maybe someday she might be into me as something more than just a friend … at this point, I really would be happy with cuddle bitch even, I’m going to get hurt here and I don’t want to get hurt. I really, really, really, don’t want to get hurt again. I know that part of life is putting yourself out there to get hurt in the end, but please not again. I can’t take another broken heart. It took my so long to heal from the last one. I’m almost getting to the point where I can connect the dots between like/love and sex, almost. But sex be damned. I’m not that good at sex, sure at foreplay, but sex, I’m almost 300 lbs, how good can I be? I just really want someone to cuddle with. I don’t even need to make out, I want someone to hold in my arms. I need the physical contact.

But ugh! I’ve known from the beginning that I didn’t want to get attached to her, she’s outta my league, but she’s cute and she’s funny and she’s interested. And oh my god, she’s a red head. And this goes back to the old HS crush Theresa, I like her voice. There’s just enough raspiness in it to make my spine tingle every time she says good morning.

Phew, that felt good getting out. Maybe that’s why I’ve been obsessing over this, I’m afraid that I’m going to get hurt. That’s why I love to write shit down.

She thinks I'm cute!!! :D

So the game tells me that you shouldn't be too eager to hang out with the girl, make her want you more, etc. But I really kinda like this one and I made a calculated risk. She said, we should hang out again, I should have said something like, defiantly, or leave it up in the air. What I said was, what are you doing tonight? But what can I say, I'm over the nervousness, now I just want to spend some time with her. Yeah I like her, I'll admit it, now I think I'm confident enough in my new "self" to go with it instead of playing the game.

A used to say, be yourself. I didn't know what she meant, until now. Now that I'm missing A, god no. But I have found myself. The real me is part the fake confidence that I show at work, that seems to be working. It's part the insecurities I still feel inside. My past is part of the real me, but not as much as it used to be. I'm still the same old person that reacts that same way to the same things that always happen, but now I have new perspective. I know when I'm acting irrationally, and even though it doesn't always make things better, I still don't know how to fix the irrational responses, it's good to know when they're happening. I have had a real revelation here, but I can't seem to put it into words at the moment. There was no Ah Ha moment, it was a slow realization that people like me for who I am. The good and the bad. And as long as I can keep the bad in check, then maybe.

I'm sad. I'm lonely. Same feelings that I always feel. Maybe it's a delayed reaction to Marlee. Who knows maybe I was in love with her. But probably not. I don't know. It's all the same feelings, so what new do I have to say about it? The next step: loose weight and get a girlfriend. That is my next step to Happily Ever After.

I'm stuck in nostalgia at the moment and not the good kind. I've realized what I do to push people away before they get to know me, but now I'm starting realize that I also do stuff to push them away once they get to know and show that they care about me even a little bit. This is going to be a hard revelation, but once I get through it I know I'll be a better person for it. The process will not be fun.

A dream: I'm not sure why, but I'm on a planet and we have to get off or something. It all happens in the smoking area at work, and of course I have that force power that I always dream about where I can move things with my mind. For example, we towards the end of the dream somebody bombs the smoking area right before everyone is about to leave and I use my power to move things with my mind to pick a table off that girl of my dreams. We kiss goodbye just as she dies. And the whole time, it's like I know it's a dream or at least a book or something, because at one point I'm in the break room at work and Keith is there. I say something like, "it can't be over now, there's still a hundred pages left" and I hold up a book. I say somebody should die, it'd be a great twist, and I thought that Keith would make the perfect plot twist. Then I take a walk to Safeway and on the way I meet a little girl that's crying, and for some reason she's crying over a friend or family member that's hurt or something. It still has something to do with the leaving the planet thing. Anyways, I'm not sure why/how but I end up in a hospital room and I meet her sister, who is the "girl of my dreams". I end up being my empathetic self and we end up hooking up. Somebody dies and I give her a hug and then I kiss her on the neck and we end up making out. Then we're all getting ready to leave the planet, people bomb the smoking area which is the landing area and I end up saving her.

Now let's talk about the girl of my dreams. It's always the same girl in all my dreams. She's brunette, with long straight hair, skinny. She always dresses well and is totally into me, but without any distinct personality traits.

Feeling kind of down at the moment. I went to dinner with my parents last night and they said they were afraid I was going to die because I'm so fat. Now I know they were just being ass holes, but my self image was high at the moment and I was feeling good about myself, now I just don't. It sucks because I was feeling like a normal person for the first time in a very long time and I felt that Happily Ever After was just within reach if only I wanted to take the plunge. I wasn't sure who it was, but I knew it was there, now it seems so far away again. I hate them for that. I'll be better in a few days, but yeah I just wanted to get that out there.