My uncle has always said that there's two sides to him. One that he shows people, the slightly wild but "normal" person, and the rebel raging inside, mad at the world. I always thought I had the same thing. I realized today that even though I have the same situation going, I let my angry side out way too much. And there is a specific story behind that, though for one reason or another I'm reluctant to write about it. But here it is:

I was sitting at my desk talking religion etc. With the redneck girl next to me, and for some reason, Charles Manson was brought into the conversation. I told her, I think he should write a book, and then she was all, "I feel sorry for you." So I told her, I don't want your sympathy.

Why do people feel sorry for me, I don't give a fu*k what other people think. Well at least I pretend to and I desperately don't want to care. Why don't I just clam up and learn to hate like I used to.

In high school I had such an idealized version of the world, well not idealized but clear. I used to hate people until they gave me a reason not to, I would rather be hated than ignored. I knew what I wanted and to hell with the rest of the world. Now after high school and a few more experiences, I thought I was maturing by learning to trust people unless the gave me a reason not to, etc. Even liking people unless the gave me a reason not to. I've been seeking approval from the world that shunned me for so long, and I ask myself, WHY?!?

Why do I need approval now from a world that has shunned me. I have a little success in life and I want a pat on the head and somebody to say good job? I never got that growing up, I didn't get it anywhere else in life, why do I want it now. The answer is simple, I DON'T!

Somehow my glasses have been tinted rose by vacation and success. Now that optimism has been sufficiently ripped away from me, and I see the world as the bleak and bitter excuse for life that it is.