Quitting: Day One

Marijuana, weed, cannabis, my blessing, my cure, the reason I wake up in the morning, the reason I work so hard all day, and the reason I only have three shirts and three pairs of pants. I've been coming to the slow realization that weed is controlling my life like it controlled my parents' life for the better part of 18 years. I'm not saying that weed is bad, because it's not. It's just taken control of my life for the past year or so. Now it's time to come out of my haze. But what am I coming out to? A stuck up, ex-jock of a roommate and his dirty whore of a girlfriend? A family to whom I'll be a perpetual failure until I knock up some bitch or at least get laid? I have no personal life, I really have no life at all. I don't have a hobby or a pet. I have nothing to occupy my time but smoking weed. Weed numbs it all, it makes it okay to be alone. It turns a day off sitting around the house with nothing to do except contemplate my loneliness into a pleasant haze that takes all of my emotional issues away with it on it's blue/gray clouds to heaven. It's been 22 hours since I took my last puff of weed and it's damned hard. I have a mild headache and the stress of work is still pushing hard on my shoulders. All I want to do is let my problems float away, but I can't. One I'm broke, two I can't do it any more. I don't want to quit, I don't ever want to quit. I don't yet see how quitting weed will get me a girlfriend, or even why I want a girlfriend any more. I just don't see how another person in my life will make life any better. Can sex really be that much better than self love (which is really just a bodily function at the point)? Is it really worth all the effort that I'm putting into it? At this point I just don't know. All I know that society tells me that's what I should be striving for, and maybe I should be, I'm sure it's more healthy than sitting around smoking weed. But it has such potential for hurt. When ever I look for love or lust even, I end up getting hurt. I haven't even had a crush since Job Corps. Well I guess A, but she's so unobtainable it's ridiculous. How can anybody ever love me when I carry this much emotional baggage and weigh 292.8 lbs? Which brings me to other thing that happened today. I'm joining a weight loss group at work (Jamie's idea, thank you!!) starting tomorrow. I'm sure I won't like it, but it's something to do. To close: yeah, I have issues with sex. I have a lot of issues with sex. I'm just not sure if this is the place to air them all. I know a lot of people read this, I'm not sure if I'm ready to be judged over my qualms with sex. I have plenty to say about it, I'm just waiting for someone to tell me it's okay to let it all out. Here's to day one. Thanks for reading.