This facade of indifference is starting to crumble, but I won't let it . . . not yet. I can't believe what's happened in the past week or so. I learn that I might be a daddy with a girl that I don't give a damn about, then she says she lost the baby, personally I think it's just drama on her part trying to make me fall in love with her. What's sad is that I was right all along: all I had to do to gain the approval of my family was to knock some girl up. That's all my family wants from me is for me to have a family of my own, no matter how that happens, it's disgusting. All the while I get a promotion at work and I trying to learn a whole new job while making first impressions on a new team, which should be enough stress by it's self. And then on Sunday morning I wake up to a bloody bathroom, missing roommates and no phone. It turns out my roommates lost their baby, she was 7 months pregnant with the coolest kid you'll never know, now they're back from the hospital and dealing with their own grief and I have to feel guilty every time I'm happy. At the same time slowly dealing with the epiphany that despite all of what I've been through in life I still have zero self confidence. That's why I'm so eager to do things to please people, because when I think about myself I still feel a worthless failure in life that nobody should ever love. I'm sure somebody could love me, but nobody should. Loving me just gets people hurt because I'll never live up to their expectations. I'll always push them away before they get close enough to see the real me and reject me for me instead of something dumb that I did.

I just want to end this with a little story: A few weeks ago my roommates and I are sitting around in the only air conditioned room in the house smoking as we tend to do, Whitney's sitting there with the pipe in her hand and feels Josh (her baby) kick, I say "He's tell you to quit camping mom." We all have a good laugh, but that just shows what an amazing kid he would have been. . . . . . RIP little boy.