A again? So yeah it was a year ago, but I still remember the pain. I know it wasn't rational, it was my psyche dealing with issues a lot bigger than a girlfriend breaking up with me. There are issues there that for whatever reason are fixing themselves, but something had to break and I had to feel the pain in order not to fear it. I still never want to feel the pain of rejection again but a year later I can almost say it was better to have loved and lost. Now I might have a chance to get it back and I should ask myself do I want it? People say she's weird and unattractive and I can see that, but not as weird as some. Actually mostly it's Mh, I finally get over that minor rejection and find friendship with her to be satisfying. I think we both fulfill a need in each other, mh and I. She needs someone to vent to about life, like anybody does and I fill that need. It's nothing too complicated. And she's smart. She helps me realize that not everybody is retarded and shows me life away from my sometimes-abnormal thought processes. Still there's always been something that keeps us from being close friends. The reason I follow that tangent is that it's weird that she talks down about A so much. If she has a secret crush on me then get out with it and I get to choose between them because I scraped the bottom of the barrel long enough and found a few that aren't repulsive. Given the choice, I want somebody good looking! I know it sounds shallow, but I want a girl that I'm undeniably physically attracted to. I really want a skinnier girl. Why do I never seek those that I'm physically attracted to? Of course I can't find anybody and I really don't care. Life is slowly getting better now one thing at a time and I'm happy with it. I'm just scared that A is going to hurt me again and I'm afraid to feel those feelings again because they all lead to an irrational but intense jealousy. I don't even know what I want from a relationship anymore. I know it's not going to fix everything and really it seems like it will make things complicated. And all the build up to sex and it turned out to be fancy masturbation. It feels better but not any different. And it turns out not to be that big of a deal. My point is, sex is not a big incentive for me to find a relationship. I think what I wanted before was the feeling of complete acceptance and unconditional love. But that doesn't exist and I realize I'm trying fix a very old wound that a relationship cannot fix. Whoever it is will just leave me in the end anyway. I still fear that there's going to be something about me that will push her away. I know how to be myself now, I know who it is and I know how to maintain it. It's about taking care of myself. It's funny that I didn't take care of myself because I was lonely and I was lonely because I didn't take care of myself. So I just invented a new word and I'm going to try to work it into the lexicon of annoying phrases. "Thankiny" as a replacement for "thank you''. So I'm tired and this isn't getting published in it's current form anyway. Thankiny for listening everyone.