A dream: I'm not sure why, but I'm on a planet and we have to get off or something. It all happens in the smoking area at work, and of course I have that force power that I always dream about where I can move things with my mind. For example, we towards the end of the dream somebody bombs the smoking area right before everyone is about to leave and I use my power to move things with my mind to pick a table off that girl of my dreams. We kiss goodbye just as she dies. And the whole time, it's like I know it's a dream or at least a book or something, because at one point I'm in the break room at work and Keith is there. I say something like, "it can't be over now, there's still a hundred pages left" and I hold up a book. I say somebody should die, it'd be a great twist, and I thought that Keith would make the perfect plot twist. Then I take a walk to Safeway and on the way I meet a little girl that's crying, and for some reason she's crying over a friend or family member that's hurt or something. It still has something to do with the leaving the planet thing. Anyways, I'm not sure why/how but I end up in a hospital room and I meet her sister, who is the "girl of my dreams". I end up being my empathetic self and we end up hooking up. Somebody dies and I give her a hug and then I kiss her on the neck and we end up making out. Then we're all getting ready to leave the planet, people bomb the smoking area which is the landing area and I end up saving her.

Now let's talk about the girl of my dreams. It's always the same girl in all my dreams. She's brunette, with long straight hair, skinny. She always dresses well and is totally into me, but without any distinct personality traits.

Feeling kind of down at the moment. I went to dinner with my parents last night and they said they were afraid I was going to die because I'm so fat. Now I know they were just being ass holes, but my self image was high at the moment and I was feeling good about myself, now I just don't. It sucks because I was feeling like a normal person for the first time in a very long time and I felt that Happily Ever After was just within reach if only I wanted to take the plunge. I wasn't sure who it was, but I knew it was there, now it seems so far away again. I hate them for that. I'll be better in a few days, but yeah I just wanted to get that out there.

So my friend's leaving me, sad :( But she'll still be around and where she's going isn't that far away. Anyways, now that my sure thing is no longer my sure thing, I'm in the mood for a new gf.

Of course I'm going to keep trying. What else is there to do? At least until I'm 50 when if I'm still single and have never been married, I will jump off Cape Perpetua at sunset and say goodbye the right way. Becuase if I'm going to die alone, I'm going to die alone on my own terms. But that's not for another 26 years or so. That's a long time, but at least in the end, I know it really will end one way or another. But I'm not suicidal at the moment, I just like having my out. Still this M thing is really bugging me. I don't want to run away from these emotions anymore, I'm just not sure how to deal with them. All I know is to run away.

Am I looking too much into this? She's way, way, way, out of my league, but I have to pretend that she doesn't exist so I don't clam up around good looking women like I always do. And yes M, the reason I never clammed up around you, you're not very good looking. From the neck down, you're beautiful. You have a great personality, you're smart, and I loved that you cared. But I never could look into your eyes and feel the butterflies. You just have a face that I can't be attracted to, just like I have a penis that you can't be attracted to (which must be a first for you). Sorry family if you're reading that part, but that's why she really rejected me. So if that's what you're talking about feelings, then yeah, we never did have those, or maybe we never were meant to be. But it was fun while it lasted. Alas, good bye to my sure thing.

Rejected by the sure thing. The more I think I change, the more I realize how much I haven't. There's a lot to say here, but it's all been said before. Feelings of abandonment. Was it really that there's no feelings or was it because of something physical? It's always something physical. As if I don't have enough to deal with in life with my complete lack of social skills, I have to deal with *that* too? So even if I get past the social skills thing as soon as it gets physical, they run away. And the one that didn't run away at first, ran away later. They always run away. Eventually. Yeah I'm going to pick myself up and try again, and again, and again. Eventually something has to give, or maybe I really will have to fulfill the pact. Of course that's for 26 years, so I have plenty of rejection to look forward too. I guess it makes me stronger, but the fact that I always had somebody out there that liked me made me feel like if all else fails, there's still her. And now there isn't. 26 long years of rejection to look forward to, 24 long years to look back on. Moments of happiness with long years of nothingness between. Here's to Happily Ever After, now just a little further away than ever.

They think I'm a thief. I'm not. They think I'm messy on purpose, so what if I am. It's not like I decided that I'm going to be messy just to piss them off. It's not like I wasn't messy before. It isn't anything new to them. Yeah it sucks living in a house where you I have to fear being screamed at at any given moment. They wonder why I'm never there? The worst part: I lost a really good friend. I defended her, and defended her. Until finally, I couldn't any more and then I did any way. The worst I ever said: "she's prego, what can you say?" I really hope that I get my friend back after this is all over. That's the hardest part of this. I think maybe I was deceived. I don't know. I don't know why I'm writing all this down except that I know everybody reads this from time to time and what I really want to say is the worst part of this whole thing is that I'm loosing my friend. I really hope by standing by them through this thing, then when it's all over we can be friends again. It really was nice having a family away from family.

First, read my last post. It's a deep one, a sad one, a mildly suicidal one. But what I wanted to say today is that the season finalee of Glee once again proves that I can cry at TV and movies when I can't cry at my own life. I haven't cried over my own life since Denise died. And before that I can't even remember. I feel like crying sometimes, but I just can't anymore. Sad.

Just a thought that I need to record because I know I won't feel like this tomorrow or next week or next year. My sister just graduated from high school today and instead of feeling proud of her, I feel jealous that nobody made this big a deal about my graduation. It was six years ago and I didn't make that big a deal out of it. When I graduated I was sad that I had four years to do it and I still didn't make friends or find a girlfriend. It took me another four years before I could really start to get over that failure. But today, I was jealous more than anything. Why didn't I get that much money? Why didn't my friends want to hang out with me on graduation? Why was nobody that proud of me? So what if I barely made it though high school, I still did it. I showed up at school for 12 years and even though I didn't do any homework in high school at all, I still managed to pass enough classes to graduate. I don't know what's with this self pity. Maybe it's because Happily Ever After is still beyond my grasp, and I can't be satisfied with what I have. I'm still thinking suicide more than ever these days. What a grand gesture it would be to take a plunge off of Cape Perpetua and say goodbye to the world? I make the pledge to you now. If I'm still single on my 50th birthday, I will. It's still 25 years away, but if I still can't find my Happily Ever After by then, I never will and saying goodbye while looking into a mid-winter sunset will be the best way to go. For now, I'll stick it out. At least I made good on my promise to my sister that I'd be at her graduation. That was the only thing that kept me going this week. If I do and I don't really think I will, it's nobody's fault but my own. My suicide will be to Lost Love and Failed Friendship. Nobody's fault except my own. You want to see my dark side, here it is. Do you like it? Of course you don't because you all want to see my happiness. My happiness is there of course, it's real when I feel it, but so is this darkness. The part of me that will never quite be happy with whatever life gives me, the part that sees happiness and knows how shallow it is, the part that sees Happily Ever After so close and spits in it's face because I'm still not good enough for it. To all that care, I love you back. To all that don't, I know you will someday. When I die, you'll all pretend to care, and then you'll slowly forget. I'll be just a story that you tell your friends, a day to remember and then to forget. I know my death will hurt a few people. Gabbie and Ally especially, Mom, Megan, Aaron, my entire phone list really and few that aren't on there. But I also know that everyone of them is strong enough to get over it. Besides, since I didn't end up in jail, that's what everyone expects of me at this point anyway. For now, I'm not really going to do it, I'm just sick of keeping it all inside.

I'm still alive. I don't necessarily want to be, but I'm here. Rejected again I guess maybe happily ever after really isn't for me.