Just a thought that I need to record because I know I won't feel like this tomorrow or next week or next year. My sister just graduated from high school today and instead of feeling proud of her, I feel jealous that nobody made this big a deal about my graduation. It was six years ago and I didn't make that big a deal out of it. When I graduated I was sad that I had four years to do it and I still didn't make friends or find a girlfriend. It took me another four years before I could really start to get over that failure. But today, I was jealous more than anything. Why didn't I get that much money? Why didn't my friends want to hang out with me on graduation? Why was nobody that proud of me? So what if I barely made it though high school, I still did it. I showed up at school for 12 years and even though I didn't do any homework in high school at all, I still managed to pass enough classes to graduate. I don't know what's with this self pity. Maybe it's because Happily Ever After is still beyond my grasp, and I can't be satisfied with what I have. I'm still thinking suicide more than ever these days. What a grand gesture it would be to take a plunge off of Cape Perpetua and say goodbye to the world? I make the pledge to you now. If I'm still single on my 50th birthday, I will. It's still 25 years away, but if I still can't find my Happily Ever After by then, I never will and saying goodbye while looking into a mid-winter sunset will be the best way to go. For now, I'll stick it out. At least I made good on my promise to my sister that I'd be at her graduation. That was the only thing that kept me going this week. If I do and I don't really think I will, it's nobody's fault but my own. My suicide will be to Lost Love and Failed Friendship. Nobody's fault except my own. You want to see my dark side, here it is. Do you like it? Of course you don't because you all want to see my happiness. My happiness is there of course, it's real when I feel it, but so is this darkness. The part of me that will never quite be happy with whatever life gives me, the part that sees happiness and knows how shallow it is, the part that sees Happily Ever After so close and spits in it's face because I'm still not good enough for it. To all that care, I love you back. To all that don't, I know you will someday. When I die, you'll all pretend to care, and then you'll slowly forget. I'll be just a story that you tell your friends, a day to remember and then to forget. I know my death will hurt a few people. Gabbie and Ally especially, Mom, Megan, Aaron, my entire phone list really and few that aren't on there. But I also know that everyone of them is strong enough to get over it. Besides, since I didn't end up in jail, that's what everyone expects of me at this point anyway. For now, I'm not really going to do it, I'm just sick of keeping it all inside.