Random thought of the day: I love Over Time, I am making $126 today!! Sure I haven't had a day off since last Wednesday, and I won't have a day off until Saturday, but: I've done 18 1/2 hours OT since Saturday, or a total of: $222 in pure OT, or $222 towards Disney Land in 72 days! That $200 will pay for my ds, and any taxes that I get back, if any, I'll put in the Disney land fund. Other wise, I can live like I normally do, though I have to eat out less. Which I have been doing, I haven't eaten out since Sunday, and two days is kind of a record for me recently. I promise myself that I will not eat out today, well maybe I will since it's an OT day, but I will only eat out on OT days. In other news, I will not, will NOT! Come in for OT on Saturday, even though I would love the money, and I would seriously love the money, I really want to see the Seahaks loose. Or maybe if they call me in, I will work. Who knows. I might.

Damn comfort, lead hate and resentment reign! Happiness is an illusion, my loneliness and hate make me real. I am not the professional little peeon that they want me to be. They feed me lobster tail, and now they expect me to eat dog FOOD?! I clung to comfort in conformity, I dreamed of happiness, now I return to the only thing that comforts: Loneliness and hate. Damn all those who are not me. Now all the built up feelings come to the surface, and I know I should swallow the bile and do my job like the PEEON that I am, but I don't want to, and I can't if I wanted to. What I desire more than anything in life right now is to go back to the way things were, oh so long ago. When my life was a constant persuit of herbal cures to ease the pain that didn't really exist. I know things can't stay the same, but neither must they change so rapidly. Like I said, DAMN THOSE WHO ARE NOT ME!!!

I don't want to be resentful, but I am. I shouldn't care, but I do. I know it's not personal, but still the resentment reigns. They tantalizing me with samples, then pull it away. Like the carrot to the mule, they keep me moving with promise of reward, then they cruelly yank it back. The mule wonders: does it deserve the carrot? Or will it soon be relegated to the divine obscurity of mindless labor, masticating dirty, trampled grass mixed brutally with the excrement of failure?

A purple turtle on plagman drive, I touch it and it's a shell. I look to the left, and the turtle is walking shell-less back to it's shell still grasped in my hand, I wake up, and I'm alone.

The highest of highs, followed by the lowest of lows. Hope and unexpected fortune give way to fear and dispare. Confidence gives ways to cockiness gives way to nothingness.

Now I know the word surreal has recently been deemed a cliche' by the people that deem those things, but today seems surreal. It's like I'm living in a dream, and I don't quite know if I'll wake up in a few hours and have to repeat this whole day. Now there are a few reasons I could feel this way, first of all, and probably the main reason. They're putting in a new bath tub down stairs and even though I kept my windows open up until I went to bed, I still slept in all kinds of chemical fumes. So maybe that's it, maybe I'm just high, ha ha ha. That would also explain why I my lungs feel small, like I can't quite get a full breath in my lungs. The other reason, somebody from Job Corps called me today. The career transition person and that brought up all kinds of fun memories about how I was institutionalized. Not like a mental hospital, but more like boarding school kinda prison, basically I never had to make any decisions for myself, and those that I did I made purposefully wrong because I got scared of success, but fear of success is something that I fight every day. The suppressed desire to crush any and all success that I ever achieve is strong. The stench of abysmal failure is a familiar one, like a captured person loving their capturer, my soul fights for failure while my mind wants success. As you can see from the rambling nature of this post, there is defiantly something wrong with me today. So before I write something that I regret, I think I'll stop here.

After all that bull shit about probably not gettingapproved for Vacation in March, I was just approvedfor 3-27--4-2, and I have to take 2 sick days, andI'll get incidents, but the point is: I'm Going toDISNEY LAND!!!!!Ha ha, this day is almost going too good to be true. A day like this is almost always followed by a seriesof unfortunate events, but for now, I'm going with youguys!! I even talked to my supervisor, just to makesure I won't get fired for taking those two days assick days :)Also, I got promoted, so even though I'm not makingany more money, I'm taking questions and escalations,so if a possistion comes open, I'm way, way up on thelist to get it.I was just so excited about it and wanted to tellsomeone about it :)

I feel so inept! Well it's my first night on question line, so I really shouldn't feel this bad, but there are so many questions that I don't know the answer to. Though I rarely call the question line, there are times when I do, and I just don't know what to do! Sure I can make it my goal in life to know all the answers, and I'm slowly learning most of the answers, even though I've only been on the question line for 2 1/2 hours. So I know I'm learning, but it is so hard not to bring myself down. There are just so many things I don't know. I can take any escalation, and it won't bother me, people can scream at me and tell me what a piece of shit I am, and it still won't bother me, what truly bothers me is not knowing everything that I should. But my will shall persevere!

Life is going great, and yet, I still wait for it to crash into the familiar misery that I've always known. I've accepted the futility of it all, that we all live life in the pursuit of distraction. I've learned to embrace my loneliness, even enjoy it. But always there is the undefined longing, the subtle feeling of waiting, and never quite knowing why. Lost potential and hidden desire Replaced by divine obscurity. How long must I feel this way before it all becomes clear, and I have a purpose in life? Isn't that the question we all ask ourselves? Or maybe it isn't. Maybe in my quest for conformity, I rationalize the most obscure thoughts.


That would be a great place to end, but I have other news. I've been promoted, not really because promotion implies raise, and they would never give me more money. But now I'm on the question and escalation que, I think, considering I've gone 7 minutes without a call and I haven't gone 7 minutes without a call all day, it makes me think I'm on it. Anyway, I passed the test so I'm feeling big. Until I get my first question or escalation and I f*ck it up. But for now I'm feeling big.

So one half hour into the new year I have but one resolution: to refrain from drinking until my rightful 21st on August 19th 2006, and to never EVER spend another new year's alone. Of course that implies loosing my purity in 2006, but for now, I will never EVER spend another new years alone. To all of those who care and especially those who don't HAPPY F@!$%^& NEW YEAR !!