What if in an instant all your financial obligations were taken care of and money no longer became an issue? What would you be left with? That sinking feeling that this is all just pointless. We all learn in high school science that in nature the purpose of life is to create more life. My real father created me and then died 14 years later, a victim to alcohol, without ever coming to my rescue. These are just random thought of a lonely mind. I ask you, is there anybody out there? Friends let you down and as I get older and older with my purity still in tact I realize that sex is not worth it. So what motivation do I have to keep going? What gets me up every morning to go to work? I have no goals in life, I have no purpose, the reason I go to work is simple. I go because I have to. I'm not prepared to face the consequences of not going to work. And even if I didn't go to work, I would still sit around and left life pass me by. So I ask again:

What's the point of anything?

I know it's been almost a month since I've last posted, and honestly I don't know why I bother. Right now I'm sitting at home all alone, bored to death, though I have plenty to do. It's amazing, I have PS2, XBox 360, a huge selection of movies and a fast computer with the entire Internet open to me, and I'm sitting here feeling so goddamed lonely. I know I've written about loneliness a hundred times in this blog and if there is anybody left out there who reads this, I'm sure you don't care anymore. Hell, I don't even care any more. What's scary is that as sad and lonely as I feel right now, I can't think of a single thing that would lift me out of this depression that wouldn't send me into a deeper one in a few hours. I guess I can sit here alone and get drunk, but intoxication is slowly loosing it's appeal to me. Life seems too short and even if I could live forever, there would still be no point. God I'm so sorry on so many levels for so many things. I don't know any more. Is there anybody out there that cares about my poor lonely soul, or have I burned all those bridges? And even if there was somebody out there who cared, would it really make a difference? *sigh* Maybe I will get drunk and drown in a pool of my own vomit. I'm sure that won't really happen, but for the first time in a long time that seems just as appealing as anything else. Maybe it's simply a lack of weed. Maybe I'm so addicted to that supposedly non-addictive substance that I feel suicidal without it? Or maybe the reason I'm feeling depressed is that my roommate still isn't home. I know I'm not his baby sitter and he's not accountable to me, but it would sure be nice to talk to someone right now. Really anyone would do. I've been burying myself ion Harry Potter for the past few months living in a fantasy world, but it seems that the world I escape to is just as hollow and unfufilling as the world I escape from. Oh I don't know, maybe a drink would do me good. I think I'll try that and get back to you guys in a few minutes if that doesn't help.

The same thing every day, week after week until someday I just won't wake up. I know it's been a long time since I've posted and I only have two minutes at best, but right now life seems so futilely finite it's ridiculous. It seems that all I want to do is sit and home and watch TV but I feel guilty because it's the same thing I always do. Plus as of right now I have maybe two more life times left to live if I'm lucky and less than one if I continue as I am, with overeating, too much smoking and other things. God it all seems to hopeless.

Awaken from a night of drinking with co-workers that saw many a thing go wrong. Personally, I don't think I did anything wrong. I was a little more social than usual, but I don't think I did anything horrendous. But I wake up and I'm still alone, and that is truly okay only because it has to be okay, it's one of those things that if they weren't okay, then they'd be unbearable. Really, still perpetually alone at 21, you'd think I'd give up, and I thought I did, and I think I will again. At some point I have to realize that the risk is no longer worth the reward. How many times do I have to be rejected, it's as if God himself hates me and wishes me to suffer.

And by the way, this thing with Cassie was just hugely disapointing, she had a fucking boyfriend. How fucked up is that? She didn't mention that to me, and by the time I learned that I was already obligated to stay overnight. So guess what I got to do? I got to sleep on the couch while Cassie and her boyfriend slept across that room (I thought they had a bedroom.) So I woke up before anybody and walked my way out of her life. It was great knowing her, and maybe I didn't take the opportunities that presented themselves, but I cannot know her without knowing her, so yeah it was a great run. But that's okay (again one of those things.)

So another trip to Eugene and I realize that I'm not 19 any more. Maybe I was never 19, that year was sacrificed to Job Corps in search of maturity and acceptance. The point being, I don't have to be wild and drink 'till I puke every night, I don't have to go on wild adventures across unfamiliar terrain in search of herbal sustenance. So maybe I never had the wild years of partying that most people enjoy between 18 and 21 when everything is new. You're not quite an adult, but you can do whatever you want. But I don't think I'm going to mourn for something I've never had, I like feeling like I'm 30 even though I'm only 21. I love being an adult, with bills to pay, taxes, a job, health insurance. I even love the responsibility of being a Senior Rep. in my personal corner of Hell. So goodbye to those years that were never really mine, good bye to parties and mindless wandering. I'd love to say I'll miss you, but you were never really mine.

I always wake up feeling so lonely, and not really lonely as much as guilty. Oh I don't know any more, but fuck it all to hell, I don't care any more. All I want to do is express myself and not have to put on a happy face like I have to do all day at work and, since moving in with a roommate, all night at home too. Maybe I will call my family, but even with them I have to make up happy stories and tell them how great I'm doing when inside I'm screaming for somebody to notice my pain. I know part of being an adult is hiding your pain and not expressing dissatisfaction with anything, but all I really want is for somebody, anybody to hear my pain so I don't fell quite so alone.

Some days you wake up and just feel like writing. After a night of weird dreams that made me realize how truly disturbed I really am, I woke up and I realized that I am loosing myself. Not loosing control, but loosing who I used to be. I don't want to be a cog in a big corporate machine, I don't want to be numb to other's suffering. I look at myself now and I realize that I don't like who I am. I don't know what I want to be, but I know it isn't this. This facade of happiness that I project to the world is slowly taking over, while inside I'm still screaming for release. And the worst part about it, I'm loosing my ability to spill my soul onto a computer screen.

God! I fell so alone in the world, not just sexually, that's just something that I need to accept, but emotionally alone, like even if I let myself go and be who I really am (or think I am) nobody would care. Do I really need validation from somebody else to tell me that I am good or bad or evil even? I know I shouldn't, but I really do. So here is my weakness for all to see, if somebody stumbles upon this in pursuit of acceptance or merely something to read on a lonely night, drop me a response.

No explanation (sorry) just a poem, by somebody who (obviously) does not write poetry:

Oh sweet Rejection
Rantings of a lonely mind
Lost not today, soon

When isolation ends
When loneliness is comfort
All that's left if me

I know I haven't been posting too much lately, I've just been too busy to sit down and write. Just a quick overview before I get onto what I really want to write about. I finally got that damned senior position about a month ago and things are going good but not great. I think I expected the job to fill a void in me that it just couldn't. I know there's something missing in my life, but I can't seem to find what I'm long for. It's that old undefined sense of longing. Could it simply be a biological urge to reproduce, or maybe I'm craving a relationship, but I've never had one so I know it's not that, or maybe I'm simply feeling my mortality. Which brings me to the real reason I'm writing today.

Anna Nicole Smith died. I know I shouldn't be affected by this, I'm rarely affected by celebrity deaths and never like this. There's just something about her struggle to make something of her life, and ultimately failing that hits something deep in me. What if no matter how hard I try, I don't make it? For all the limited financial success I've achieved, I still haven't found love or anything to fill that void. Now this is getting redundant to me, so I'll end with this note. I'm going to see that cheerleader from high school this weekend that had a crush on me at one time, so everybody wish me luck!

Ah, a good mood is such a fleeting thing. Last night my soul was filled with optimism, I actually did something nice for someone without expecting anything in return. Maybe I've become a heartless automaton, but yesterday for no good reason everything seemed okay. I was optimistic about my new job, but this bitter, bitter old spinster insists on making this job hell for me. I desperately want to be optimistic about this job, but God it is SO hard sometimes. It's not that I can't do the work, but right now it's this old hag next to be that insists on killing my spirit, what a complete bitch. And she doesn't really try to hide it. You know what this is, it's passive aggressiveness.