God help me please. I'm in a hostile environment with no allies. I can't get away. There's no escape. I have to tolerate it. I promise I won't be here again. I'm done with my family. I'm done with it all. A Step Towards Oblivion, let's talk about a step towards oblivion. It's been a long time since I've been this close to suicide. I really just want it to end. Yeah, I could pull myself out of this, but I don't want to put in the effort. God help me please. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I just don't want to live. I really don't want to live. There's nobody on my side anymore. That's okay. This won't last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Tonight, I compose my final goodbye and if it still seems like there's no escape, no alternative. If tomorrow isn't any better, then fuck it. Let's end it. I don't want it. I don't want to live. I don't want to breathe. I just want to end it. It has to end somewhere. I'm never going to get happily ever after. There's no such thing. How long have people been telling me that. I don't deserve a family. Why would I want to pass on my wisdom to the next generation. There's nothing to pass on except for cynicism and pain. Nobody likes me, nobody loves me. Those who think they love me, don't know the real me. That's okay, on Wednesday, I can take my car to a secluded spot, hopefully somewhere with a view of the sunset, tape a hose to my exhaust, put the other end through my window, then tape up the window. Turn on the car and bam, a few minutes, a few hours later, and goodbye. It's that simple. The question is, who would stop me? Sometimes I wish I was crazy enough to be put in an institution. I know if I actually tried this (and I so want to) I would get put away. Hopefully I end it. I fall asleep and never wake up, and fuck the world.

Does nobody appreciate my issue with life? Does nobody grasp how life altering a single night can be? I know it's common, Charlie Sheen tells me one night stands are the norm, but you would think my friends would have something nice to say to make me feel all better . . . but now, I'm ignored, I cry alone . . . and I'm mocked even by those who are supposed to care. Whatever, in the end, like always, I sleep alone. I am alone. Forever.

I have come to the conclusion that you should never have sex without a relationship, nor the other way around. It was a fun night, it was passionate. But 2 days later, I'm left thinking that I want that passion again. I don't really care if we'd actually get along outside of intoxication . . . so maybe what I'm looking for is a fuck buddy? Imagine Z with sex but no relationship, and still keeping the most amazing friendship I've ever had. Of course, I'm about to loose that friendship. I miss her too much. I'm jealous of her boyfriend because he's taking all her time. She doesn't come to me at all for anything. When I try to go to her she's just not there like I want her to be. Same with S. She's got a new boyfriend too *rolls eyes*. Of course this one is just another douche that's being used for something or another. She needs to get laid and he has a car. Obviously I don't think that much of S. Oh and M, M, M. What can I say about M. Just that she's out of my life. She was fun while it lasted, I loved her in my own way. But how can you not but love your first? And now she's gone. For what it's worth (cause I know you still read this M) I shed my own tear or two over her. She'll say it's my fault, but she's the only female that I can stand up to. She hurt me first, I hurt her back. Since she drew first blood, she can apologize first, then I will, and it will go back to being better than ever. If nothing else, at least she learned not to hurt me like that, because I will hurt back and I will hurt worse. And to the random reader: this is nothing physical. This is merely two ex-lovers squabbling until they both realize that they're each other's only path to Happily Ever After. So there it is world: My First One Night Stand All my friends have boyfriends and I miss them And M. Ex-lovers, future Happily Ever After. Oh and of course, I'm still unemployed, but I'm getting a car soon. Throw in some novels (Memoirs of a Geisha was worth reading, so was The Poisonwood Bible) and you have my life as of Early April, 2011. I wonder what next year will bring.

God, I'm so lonely and I'm doing such a good job of covering up that I don't realize it until I see some random couple on reality TV and I start crying. What that means is that I cannot trust myself around real couples. I'll try to fake it, and I'll probably keep from bursting into tears and moping, but I won't be able to enjoy it. I'll plaster on a fake smile and make the barest of small talk. What they won't realize when they see the sadness in my eyes is that I'm not jealous of either of them specifically. For example, when Z has her new boyfriend, I'm not jealous of her because I don't have her, I'm jealous because she never seems to have any trouble finding anybody. Nobody seems to have any trouble finding anybody. And I do.

So Z just told me they missed me and I know I'm looking way too far into it, but wow it brought tears to my eyes. Not that I would ever tell them what it meant, but still it's amazing to be loved in life :)

So I've spent today redoing my Plenty of Fish profile and it looks as good as it's gonna get. The only trouble is, as I'm going through all they girls' profiles, even being picky, I just see disappointment. So maybe I'm not quite ready for the relationship that I think I am. Maybe I should be happy with the amazing friends that I have. Because it'd be a lot easier than going through the whole bull shit relationship thing again only to end up sitting here crying my eyes out to nobody and everybody. I don't want to do this again. But, I do want to do this again. I want it bad, your bad romance . . .

So after a brief singing interlude, all better :)

So Lonely! I can't believe that I'm still writing about the same shit that I've been writing about since high school, but OMG, I just can't get over it. But that's just the reason that got me here today. What I really need to talk about is Z. Well I guess it's a who and not a what, and for now Z will just be Z. Besides a really annoying letter to type, Z is my best friend.

She's taught me the depths of friendship, the limitless nature of platonic love, and most importantly, no matter how much I sometimes want that line between platonic and passionate love to blur, it can never be. I wish there was more to say, there is a lot more to say. I love her, I Love her, I LOVE her. She's my most important friend in the world, maybe because I like to think that I'm her most important friend in the world. I don't know what I want or need from her. I don't know what she wants or needs from me. I just know that I can be there for her when she needs me as much as she needs me to be. I know that I'm learning the next lesson in friendship from her that Shane and Opal started back in Job Corps. I know that she's beautiful, and smart and sweet and an amazing friend, and that I would do anything from her and not expect a single thing in return. I know that unlike almost anyone else, she will never use me. Blah, I CAN'T PUT THIS INTO WORDS!!!!

This is so frustrating! This is where I go to make sense of everything, and I can't. I'm a failure as a writer and as a friend. Maybe this is finally the end?

Jamie, are you okay??????

Just read about the earthquakes in New Zealand and my favorite commentor is from New Zealand, so do me a favor and tell me you're okay when you get a chance :)

So I know this blog will be really famous after I die. It's the middle of the night and I wasn't thinking about suicide, but Post Secret put in on my mind. And I admit, I'm morbid, I've read some suicide notes online and they're so uninspired. When I write mine, it's going to be the best piece of writing that I'll ever do. It will make me famous and it won't matter because I'm dead, but isn't that the entire point of writing here, so there's some record of me after I die. Isn't that the reason that slowly over the past 6 years or so I've been able to . . . never mind.

I can't go on that subject between the hours of 3 and 4 AM, especially a Saturday night. Since I don't exactly have religion, I have spirituality and superstition. And I don't know what it is about being at my grandparents place, but it seems like the veil between the land of the living and the land of the dead is thinner here than it is elsewhere. I mean, it's down right creepy. There are always things out of the corner of my here that I don't get at home, and weird noises, nothing overt, but god that mirror across from my bed here. . . scary. So I don't think I'll be talking about death quite yet.

So what do I want to write about then? I don't know, I just want to write. I want to create something. But not right now, because it really is 3:40 in the morning and nothing I write will be all that comprehensible.

At this moment I do not hate, I do not fear, I am alive.

Is my blog dying? I hope not. Too many tears have been shed at too many computers for this to fizzle out. So much of what makes me, me is here. It's what's kept me writing since high school. And you know what, way too many of my posts here have been about blogs. So I'm gonna do a quick three minute free write about anything other than this blog.

Update . . . I'm now living with stable roommates in a not quite healthy environment where alcoholism socially acceptable and the dreaded "white dope" is everywhere. Not that I would ever partake in the latter, but most days, I'm drinking well before noon. I know what everyone will say. You're an alcoholic. All I have to say to you is . . . DUH! Of course I'm an alcoholic. But considering everything else that I could be, isn't alcoholic fairly mild. I mean if it was good enough for my father, it should be good enough for me. Maybe the reason I'm drawn so much towards alcohol is because that's a small connection to my father. Which considering I never met the guy, I shouldn't spend so much time thinking about him.

So now I'm going to attempt to find an interesting way to end this post. Fine then, I'll just end it how I want to end it. With something so important that it deserves it's own line.

I still miss Signal and I hate, I Hate, I HATE Kandi and Thor (previously known as KT).