I'm really missing my old lifestyle today.  I'm plagued with all the happy memories of time gone by.  I know I can't go back, but some days I want to so bad.  I'll live with Manny if only for one more time.  And yet, I can't think like that.  I have to keep going forward and stop living in the past.  I burned the bridges for a reason and I have to live with my decisions.  Oh well, I can always get drunk and drunk I will get tonight.  Me, myself and a bottle of Black Velvet will take over this blog tonight.  And it will probably end up with me hating life, etc. Oh well, at least I'll get to feel good for a little bit.

Too fucking lazy to kill myself

Don't worry Jamie, I'm still alive.  It's Valentines day so I'm sitting here staring down a bottle of rum.  I've been staring down that same bottle of rum for about 4 days now and each day I decided to wait till Valentines day, so I made it and now I'm gonna drink it.  Don't worry, when it comes down to it, I'd rather sleep than kill myself.  Killing myself is incredibly selfish plus it takes a lot of effort.  Not to mention all the work I'd cause my family.  My grandparents would be the first to see my dead body and it would traumatise them, then they'd have to call the morgue or the ambulance then there'd have to be a funeral which my grandparents would probably have to pay for.  I know my blog would get a lot more reading after I die because my suicide note will simply say: see oblivionschild.blogspot.com.  Maybe someone will read all of it, maybe they'll be able to pinpoint the exact day that I started doing Meth, maybe they'll see all the alcohol postings and feel sorry for me.  Who knows what they'll see in this.  Gabbi and Ally are my two little sisters btw, they're usually what keeps me from taking the plunge.  But thanks for caring Jamie, love you!

Goodbye

Dear World,

It's been a hell of a run, but it's time to give up.  I'm never going to find a job, I'm good for nothing, and like Gabbi says, I'm an asshole anyway.  I've written this note in my head so many times and it always comes out more eloquent than this.  I guess I should say that this is nobody's fault.  Everyone is going to blame themselves, but it's my decision and it's a decision that's a long time coming.  I'm not even sure how I'm doing at this point, I know it's going to be some kind of hanging.  Or maybe I can just take every pill in the house and hope that it kills me.  Not likely though.  When I do this, I don't want to do it half way.  Like Gabbi says, don't talk about it unless your serious.  Well I am serious.  I've been serious about this for a long time.  I've mentioned Gabbi twice in this note already.  I guess because I know she'll be mad.  She always thought I had potential and now I'm giving up on that potential.  Ally, I know you can make it through this.  I know what I'm about to do is incredibly selfish, but I'm sorry I just can't do it anymore.  It's not your fault, in fact you've given me the few real smiles that I've had in these past months.  Never forget those high 5's that hurt, it's not much but they made me smile till the end.  Okay so maybe I'm not going to kill myself today.  Not that I have too much to live for or anything like that, it's just cause I'm too lazy and I don't know how to do it.  I could make a noose if I put in the effort, but I'm just too lazy.  I really want to die of carbon monoxide poisoning but I cracked off my car for Meth about a year ago and I don't have the keys to the extra car, or maybe I do!  That would make this a lot easier.  But I'm not going to, not today.  Tomorrow's a new day, maybe I'll have the energy to do it tomorrow.  For now, I'm smoking a cigarette and taking a nap.

So much for resolution #2

We're gonna play a little game.  I'm sitting her drinking a bottle of bottom shelf rum and I plan to drink the whole thing.  After each shot I'm going to write one sentence.  At the bottom of the bottle, I'll write a paragraph based on what I've written.

1. I love the first shot.
2. Tastes like shit, but I love the warm feeling :)
3. My heart wants what my stomach may not be able to take.
4. I wish I could skip the getting drunk part and go straight to being drunk.
5. I want drugs.
6. Still not drunk, I wonder which shot I'll be able to say "I'm drunk."
7. Yuck!
8. Time for a cigarette.
9. I want a burger, a big burger, a one pounder with all the fixings.
10. I'm gonna have a couple cookies, then it's down for a shot every 5 minutes.
11. So I took a break there for the drunchies, a 1 pound burger with cheese and lettus and mayo and mustard and ketchup.  After the break I feel like shit.  Like why am I even still around?  Maybe the answer is at the bottom of this bottle.
12. I feel better after another shot, not all better, but a little bit.
13. God I hope the answer is at the bottom of this bottle.  I feel like such a piece of shit.
14. Haven't been keeping up on this, but I just puked :(
15. Blah, I feel like shit, but the bottom of the bottle won't be reached by itself.
16. God, I just want to give up.  I'm so tired.  All I want to do is go to sleep.

This is where it endes.  I still have a third of a bottle of rum left, but I give up.  I'm gonna go to sleep right now and wake up around 8 or so hungry and thirsty.  I just feel like such a piece of shit right now.  God, I just want to give up on life.

My New Year's Resolutions

Okay world, it's New Year's Resolution time.  It's been a hell of a year.  Unemployed for the entire year, but each day growing into myself.  I'm 6 months clean as of Christmas day.  Manny is dead.  Really dead.  I take pills to keep him dead.  I'm drinking too much at the moment.  Actually as we speak I'm in the middle of an atomic power hour.  That's where you take a shot every 5 minutes until the bottle's gone or for an hour which ever comes first.

It's so my easier to write here.  I've been writing here for so long it feels like home.  I know when I'm writing here, I'm writing to my future self.  I know that this time next year or maybe later this year or 5 years from now, I'll come back and read this and see where I've come from.  With my paper journals, it's weirder.  It's more permanent.  When I die, I know when people go through my stuff they'll read my journal.  When I die, I don't know if anyone will bother to read this.  Maybe that's why I should get this web address tattooed on my body somewhere.  Of course I know nobody reads this anymore.  That doesn't matter because I read this.  This is what this is for.  For me.  A written journal is for everyone else.  It's the record of me after I die.  Sigh. 
I guess without any further drunken rambling, here are my New Year's Resolutions for 2013.  I vow that in a year from now, I'll read these again and write something more.

1. Stay off of all drugs.
2. After my current supply is consumed, quit alcohol completely.
3. Maintain and improve my relationships with my family.
4. Maintain and improve my relationships with my current friends.
5. Make at least one new friend.
6. Get a job.
7. Get my license back.
8. Get a car.
9. Move into my own apartment.
10. In all things, be true to my new found self.

Drinking to black out

Hi everyone.  I know it's been 3 months since I've posted anything.  Didn't realize it'd been that long.  To update everyone, I still haven't done Meth since last summer.  Today, I'm going to drink till I black out.  I can't post my drinking on Facebook anymore because Gabbi and Ally read it and think less of me.  I guess I could just not drink, but what's the fun in that.  I'm taking a mini shot every three minutes till I black out or the bottle's gone.  As of now I'm about 1/3 through the bottle and I'm not feeling very drunk.  A little fuzzy in the head, but that's it.  I'm still really bored and it's too rainy out to go for a walk.  I did have futurama on, but now it's over and I'm bored.  Too bored in fact to finish this bottle.  Who cares if I drink it all or not.  It's not as if I'm going for a victory or anything.  Okay, so maybe I'm not drinking till I black out this time.  Or at the very least it's time for a cigarette.  After this shot, lol.

The Death of Manny

Even though it's been 62 days since I've partaken of Manny's favorite food, he still lingers as loud as ever.  (Translation: I haven't smoked meth in 62 days and I'm still hearing voices)  Yesterday I want to the doctor and they gave me some medicine that might kill him.  I almost feel bad.  I'm afraid of how these drugs will change me.  These voices have been a part of my life for 3 years and maybe starting tomorrow they'll go away.  They're never pleasant, ever, but whenever I needed to distract myself from something that I didn't want to think about, they were always there if I called upon them.  Of course they kept me from sitting in a quiet house and relaxing.  There's always, always noise in my life.  Hopefully starting tomorrow the voices in my head will go away. 

RIP Manny

52 days clean today.  Yay for me.  Never thought I'd make it this far.  I know that I'm not going to give in at the point.  It's that simple.  No matter how lonely I get, and I've been unbelievably lonely the past couple weeks, I'm not going to give in.  My unemployment is done used up.  My uncle died yesterday.  I should give up, it'd be so easy.  I'm not going to.  All of those people that speak of suicide as the most selfish thing one can do must realize that not committing suicide is one of the most selfless things a person can do.  To those of us who have been at the edge, sitting in a house alone watching suicide videos just to stare death in the face, wondering what it will be like to finally give in, we know what it's like to pull ourselves up so we won't put our family's through that.

Post # 700!

Wow, 7 years and 700 posts. Incredible.  I didn't even realize that I'd written that much when I came here today.  I came here today to research dreams about that girl from my dreams and I'm still not sure when/where she comes into play.  I think she's super natural in origin.

Anyway, while going though every mention of the word dream in this blog, I realized that I've spent most of the past 7 years bitching about being alone and lamenting over missing my happily ever after.  Thanks to drugs, I have much bigger issues to deal.

I make a promise to you faithful readers that I will no longer come here to bitch about how lonely I am.  I wish I could write more, but I've got stuff to do.  Thanks for reading everyone!!!!

Am I crazy? Yeah I am.

It’s like I’m too different people sometimes. There’s the angry Jason that just wants to fight with everyone, then there’s the “real” me. The sad, lonely, addict who’s struggling through recovery the best he can. Real me is realistic about the future, maybe a bit naïve, but trying to work through it. The angry me is just that, angry. Consumed with all the negativity in life. Nothing’s good, he hates his life and blames everyone else. The trouble is, we both live in the same body and I can’t control him when he’s out. He’s been out for the past few days and here I am dealing with the consequences. Do I have real DID, or is this trying to pass blame for who I am? I don’t know. It’d be nice to have a diagnosis that I can identify with instead of just another addict. I’m tired. Tired of picking up after him, tired of being him. I really want to change, but I’m lazy. I’m very, very lazy. I want everyone else to do it for me. I just want to sit in my room and let the world pass me by. It’s wasting this great and mysterious gift of life, I know it, but I don’t care enough to do anything about it. I know there’s a 3^rd me somewhere in this mix, someone that actually gives a fuck and wants to change, and sometimes he comes out to play, but mostly it’s angry and me. I guess I’ll call the current me, passive. Am I crazy? Most definitely.