So last night was bad, really bad. She wants me to back away, even though she was the one to assure me without any doubt that it would always be okay. She says she still wants to be together but somehow I doubt that. I don't know. I guess I knew that it wasn't going to last long, and I didn't do enough to keep it together. Who knows, maybe I am destined to be alone, maybe it's my fate to

Alas, my blog continues to be refuge of honesty. Tomorrow is going to be our one week mark. It's weird how insecure I still am. Every time she's away from me for any reason, I feel insecure. Now to voice these insecurities would be to give them life, let's just say that, I just don't know. They're these faceless insecurities that still won't go away. We haven't spent a night apart since the first date, if I get this insecure when she's in the next room, I can't imagine how it will be when we spend out first night apart. And all the while, I ask myself if I'm not falling into the Ferris Buheller trap. Ferris Buheller said in the end of the movie that his friend was going to fall for the first person who fell for him, and because he had idealized relationships for so long he was going to worship the girl who finally gave him one. And he said that a relationship based on worship will never work out. What if I'm falling into that trap? I don't know.

What the previous post doesn't talk about is the tremendous amount of insecurities a relationship comes with. No matter how much I'm assured, I am so afraid that I will get hurt. Am I being used for my apartment? Please, I don't want to come out of this in a week with a broken heart. For a long time I used to wonder if there was any truth to that shakespear quote "'tis better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all." Now I know that no matter how bad loneliness was, it's nothing to the fear that I'm feeling that it will all end. I'm not even sure how much I like this girl, but I know that I love a relationship. All those years that I shied away from touch are making being


Later . . . .

I don't even want to read this half thought. It's unhealthy how much I obsesses over this relationship when she has so obviously moved on.

Wow, what a difference a week makes. It's been a movie like love story, basically the first date was Wednesday night this is the first time we've been apart for more than 10 minutes since then. Right now she's at her second job until 10 tonight but then I pick her up for a late dinner. Let me tell you relationships are nothing like TV or books, but right now I'm trying not to think about the details, I'm just riding on pure instinct at the moment. Amazing that a week ago I was contemplating suicide or at least moving, now I'm happy just to live in the moment.

I used to say
That I was too afraid
To do it.
Now I'm not so sure.
I have a plan.
It won't be much of
Of a Mess.
People will miss me
They'll get over it.
I used to blame it
On the girls
Who said No.
It's all my fault.
I'm the one who chose
Loneliness
Isolation.
It's becoming
Unbearable
I can't spend
Another weekend
Alone
Staring at the walls.
Praying to a God
Who can't exist.
Somebody call me
Anybody.
I just want to talk
Sleep gives me relief
What would it be like
To Never wake up?

As I'm sitting in my apartment after a solid 26 hours of solitude literally crying because of the loneliness that I can't escape any more, I decided to see if there were other's blogging about loneliness and it turns out there are, here's a couple of paragraphs from a blog that I found (here's the link: http://www.ochuk.com/?p=873, again the following this is not my writing:

"Loneliness and sexuality are deeply related. Far from being simply bodily functions or “cravings of the flesh” our sexual natures are tied to the inexplicable longing to be with someone else. This is why the antidote to the poison of loneliness manifests in such crass expressions as “hooking up” and “making out” and “getting laid.” At least with girls and boys sex is the most obvious way people can be “part of each other” though this is seen with boys and boys and girls and girls as well.

The decisive issue in all of this is the state of being known. While being with another is fundamentally important it is not the key to feeling recognized. Recognition is at the heart of the matter, being seen, understood, accepted, and loved without the constraints of arbitrary conditions. This is what the human heart longs for in its search for companionship. "

Okay, this is me again. These paragraphs make loneliness seem so quaint. They say all that you have to do to end loneliness is get laid. How easy that sounds. But there is something fundamentally wrong with me. You know, I responded to a personal ad, and the girl actually said that she didn't want to talk to me because she wasn't attracted to me. The polite thing would have been to just not reply, but know, she had to rub it in my face that I'm fat and ugly! At least I'm not crying any more, so I think I'll try to sleep, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and I won't be alone.

Three months later . . . .

I really understand those passages now. It's weird reading my reaction then and my reaction now. Loneliness was so intense back then, it was raw and uncorrupted by love. Now my loneliness feels more like resignation than a desperate need to feel what everyone has already felt. Maybe that's it. Before, I just wanted a relationship because everyone else has had one and I didn't want to feel left out. I wasn't prepared for the emotions, and they were all new emotions that I never knew existed. Right now I'm just afraid I will never feel those emotions again. I still want a relationship as bad as ever, just now for different reasons.

Another weekend alone with nothing to do, the perfect ending to another week with nothing to do. I'm doing okay on my New Years resolutions, at least the quitting weed on. This is day 4 without weed and I'm doing fine. I don't really have much of a desire to smoke, I know that by quitting for a month or so I'll be able to find another job. I'm not sure that I want another job, but I know there's definitely something wrong with how I'm living my life now. Maybe getting a new job in a new town will fix it all.

I know my writing's been boring lately, but does anybody even read this any more? I'm not sure what keeps me writing except for the vague hope that someday I might be famous for something and this will document my decent into madness or assent to greatness. Or maybe I'm not destined for something more. Here's hoping that your weekend is better than mine.

New Years Resolutions 2008

1. Quit smoking weed long enough to find another job
2. Quit Smoking cigarettes
3. Loose 100 lbs, that will get me close to where I want to be
4. Move to Eugene to start over again, who knows, make the grass really is greener (ha ha, I made a pun)

I know I will probably fail at all of those. This time next year I'll be writing an entry about how much it sucks to spend another New Years alone. I'll be another 50 lbs heavier dreaming about how good it felt to be 300 lbs. But who knows, I might find the motivation somewhere to achieve these goals. The question that I keep asking myself is this: Do I really want to start all over? Is change okay for the sake of change? Maybe I should get this life together before I try to find another one. I don't know, but I am running late for work, so Happy Fucking New Year!