As I'm sitting in my apartment after a solid 26 hours of solitude literally crying because of the loneliness that I can't escape any more, I decided to see if there were other's blogging about loneliness and it turns out there are, here's a couple of paragraphs from a blog that I found (here's the link: http://www.ochuk.com/?p=873, again the following this is not my writing:

"Loneliness and sexuality are deeply related. Far from being simply bodily functions or “cravings of the flesh” our sexual natures are tied to the inexplicable longing to be with someone else. This is why the antidote to the poison of loneliness manifests in such crass expressions as “hooking up” and “making out” and “getting laid.” At least with girls and boys sex is the most obvious way people can be “part of each other” though this is seen with boys and boys and girls and girls as well.

The decisive issue in all of this is the state of being known. While being with another is fundamentally important it is not the key to feeling recognized. Recognition is at the heart of the matter, being seen, understood, accepted, and loved without the constraints of arbitrary conditions. This is what the human heart longs for in its search for companionship. "

Okay, this is me again. These paragraphs make loneliness seem so quaint. They say all that you have to do to end loneliness is get laid. How easy that sounds. But there is something fundamentally wrong with me. You know, I responded to a personal ad, and the girl actually said that she didn't want to talk to me because she wasn't attracted to me. The polite thing would have been to just not reply, but know, she had to rub it in my face that I'm fat and ugly! At least I'm not crying any more, so I think I'll try to sleep, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and I won't be alone.

Three months later . . . .

I really understand those passages now. It's weird reading my reaction then and my reaction now. Loneliness was so intense back then, it was raw and uncorrupted by love. Now my loneliness feels more like resignation than a desperate need to feel what everyone has already felt. Maybe that's it. Before, I just wanted a relationship because everyone else has had one and I didn't want to feel left out. I wasn't prepared for the emotions, and they were all new emotions that I never knew existed. Right now I'm just afraid I will never feel those emotions again. I still want a relationship as bad as ever, just now for different reasons.