Ugh, I hate my fucking life. I can't believe that at this point in life I can be so easily manipulated. I thought I was too disillusioned with relationships and friendship and life to let girls use me, but I guess I was wrong. I never really believed that liked me as anything more than a friend, or maybe I did and when I realized that she didn't it was too late to salvage anything else from the relationship. At that point she already saw that I would do anything for her just because I was already attached and desperate for attention, I think this has something to do with her falling from the pedistal. There is more here, but I don't have time to write it.

Today I cried . . . .

For all the reasons that I couldn't cry before I cried.
I cried because I'm going to be alone forever
Because nice guys really do finish last
Because my parents never loved me
Because I never loved them
I cried for lost love
For the big V
Given to the first who would take it
I cried because I'll never have it back
Fuck it, I don't know if there's a poem here
I cried because I finally felt overwhelmed
It finally felt okay to let it go
And I don't feel any better
I just feel like crying all the time
I don't want to stop
I want to crawl in bed and never leave
I want to relive that amazing day with M
When getting out of bed seemed like too much effort
When I was finally a normal person
When touch wasn't taboo
When love seemed possible
I cried because I gave it up
I couldn't love her
I promised
I told her I was different
I really believed it
I threw her away
Her drama was too much
I thought I could get better
I justified it by not giving false hope
I didn't say:
Let's be friends
I might love you some day
There's always a chance
I said:
We can never be
It's not you, it's me
I'm not ready for a relationship
I really did care
Mindless cliches lost in a broken heart
I thought I was different
I thought I was the nice guy
I was going to make it all better for her
I'm sorry
I miss what we could have had
Or maybe:
I just miss sex
I'm not the nice guy
Just a different method
To the same goal
Maybe I'm just another animal in search of satisfaction
I don't think so
Maybe
I'm sorry

So I just woke up from a dream that left me sad and depressed waking up from it. I dreamed that I was laying in a bed with K (the current crush thing that I know now doesn't give a damn about me) and I say something like "then I wouldn't be able to hold you in my arms." Then I lean over and kiss her. It's just a basic kiss, though for someone that hasn't kissed a lot, it seemed amazing. In my dream, it was like I knew it was a dream as soon as our lips touched and I woke up feeling rejected and alone. I just feel so sad right now. Not rejected, just sad. I knew I was rejected and I know she's going after another guy, but I'm putting what little social life I have on hold right now waiting for K to decide that she likes me enough. Or more likely, she will probably never like me enough and I'm sacrificing my social life for nothing. So here's to first kisses, I hope if it does happen I won't feel quite this depressed. I'm sorry. Wait there's more of a dream coming back to me, it's me wandering around Salem dragging my blanket and looking for the bus station. Only when I get there, I have a car and I don't need a bus ticket. But before that I'm in a bar at a bus station and I have some money that I'm needing to gamble. Like there's an unnatural feeling forcing me to gamble. So I come across one of those pull tab machines like they have at bowling alleys, but it's busted open so they're all free. I pull them out and I see some big winners, but for some reason the next scene of the dream is me in V-Town hanging out with my friend and this girl from high school, (my lesbian friend who ended up in Iraq) is there too. I don't remember what happens from there and I think the kiss dream with K started the whole cycle of dreams.

All that and I still feel depressed over a god damned dream. Why can't we be more than friends? Because I knew that when I started the nice guy bit that it wouldn't get me anywhere. I thought that any attention from a girl was better than none, and I still kinda feel that way. Even if she is using me, at least she's talking to me. But now I realize that this is doomed to be unhappy. Like I've always said, I just want someone to hold. . . is that really so much to ask of the universe?

Either she doesn't know the feelings that I have for here are as strong as they are and she thinks that I'm just a nice guy, (ugh, what a horrible word that is, "nice guy") or she does know that I'm the one that thinks about her every day, the one that misses her when she's at work, the one that would hold her and hug her and make her feel like everything will be okay as long as I'm there (that's what she wants, she's told me that) and she's using me.

If the latter were the case, then she'd have to be malicious in her intents towards me. She would being all this on purpose. Maybe it's the optimist in me, or maybe the part of me that refuses to believe that anyone is ever bad, but I don't think she'd be doing this on purpose.

All these little signs from her that I grasp at are just gestures of friendship, I know it. I just want so much more than that, I want everything she wants out of a relationship but I think we're some how too different for it to ever work out. Just mindless excuses.

Then there's the part of me that hopes that she gets her heart broken by the guy that she's currently pursuing (the fact that she even tells me that shows how deep I am in the Friend Zone) and that I'm there to either pick up the pieces of her broken heart and make her better again, or to grind them into the ground so deep that she never loves again.

Nice Guys Finish Last

Of course they do. There are a million reasons why they finish last, try googleing the Ladder Theory. The trouble is, I don't know how to stop being the nice guy. Or maybe I do, but I just don't want to because that is who I really am. I just really like K, and I know being the nice supportive friend to her will get me nowhere. Past experience has more than taught me that . . . I don't know. I don't know why I'm letting myself get attached to someone that will never have me. I'm just setting myself up to get hurt and I've been hurt on and off since she came around. I'm full of all the cliches: we have such a deep connection, she's already told me that I'm a "great guy" and she called me "buddy", and I was the one that ran across town last night just to drop off something that she left here (she was baby sitting) and even though she gave me a quick hug I know when I'm in the friend zone. Still there's the part of me that can't help but hope, I don't know why I can't kill hope no matter how hard I try.

Wow, I'm so sick of being alone, I haven't been able to sleep 8 hours in weeks and my stomach won't keep anything down without a hour in the fucking bathroom later. I feel like I'm loosing control of so much right now, all I want to do is . . . That's a good question, what is all that I want to do? All I want is someone to occupy that big empty part of my bed. I want someone to hold in the middle of the night and I wake up feeling lonely. I want somebody to share all these amazing experiences with. I just want someone to be with me. Sometimes the loneliness just seems so overwhelming, no just the disappointment. Imagine the feeling of finding someone that seems exactly who . . . actually never mind. This is entirely too irrational. We just talked on the phone for a few hours. Normally that would have been enough. . . but it wasn't. That's okay. I just wish it was a clean rejection. A clean rejection isn't that bad, I mean I get to feel like I wasn't good enough, which I knew all along of course, and I get to know for a fact that myself isn't enough. Now that's a hard revelation. Myself just Inst good enough. I'm not even angry enough to rant on how I should have never let myself buy into the bullshit of "just be yourself and someone will come along." Well maybe I am, or I'm not I don't know. It's what I would consider the middle of the night and I just can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep more than 5 hours in a week. This can't be good for me. I'm barely eating anymore even when I'm alone and high. Where is all this coming from? Stress? You wouldn't know that I was stressed talking to me last week. Last week was the most amazing week, of course I was still barely eating or sleeping so I guess physically it's not that different. Maybe that's why this hurts so much. I went from just an amazing high in life to the crushing instabilities. That makes sense and that actually makes me feel a little better. Wow, thank you weed. You just made everything a little better again. So the reason I'm feeling this so hard is because of all the ups of last week when I thought I was going to meet the girl of my dreams and my co-dependent side was thinking that all my problems would finally be solved. But I was so un-godly happy last week, like happier than I've been since the first week with A. I just wish all this bullshit made more sense, I just don't want to feel lonely anymore. Wait at this moment I feel slightly less lonely, but only because wake and bake is kicking in and I'm blogging. My blog is like having someone to listen to me in the middle of the night when I'm feeling scared, it's my unmoving should to cry on, it's where I go when the rest of the world just doesn't care anymore. Blog, if I can't love a real person, at least I can love you for always being there for me when I just wanted someone to listen. Thank you for being here for me through all of everything during the past 5 years. I love you. Wow, I really want to say that to someone. I have all these things I need to say a girl and I just want acceptance. What's weird is that I'm not very picky at the moment, I'd pretty much say that to any girl that came along if I thought she would accept it and love me for it. Maybe that's the trouble, to everyone else those are just words. No, I don't want to use that phrase, I don't want to use any phrase. I just want to lay back and relax for a few minutes. Who knows, maybe I'll feel up to trying sleep again. To no one and everyone: I love you, thank you for making . Wow, I just made a weird connection, maybe all this excess love is God. Maybe having all this love and nowhere to put it is exactly what God is. Or maybe that's just something lonely people say to make themselves feel better. Yeah that seems more likely. Fucking God, what an asshole for putting me through all this. Or maybe it's more of a test, if I can jump through just one more hoop, then God will finally reward me with true love. But people that believe that they're following God's plan just don't want to feel so insignificant, so they invent an all powerful God and pretend he's always there with them. Wow, God is something that was invented because of a person's fear of being alone. God was evolved. And this explains where God comes from too. You always ask if God created man, then who created God. Using the philosophy that nothing exists until it is perceived, then God created us during his non-existence because he perceived us. Then in our time of loneliness, when we feel like there's all this love to give, but no one to give it to, we created God out of necessity, we perceived God into existence. Therefore: Man created God and God created man. I'm not sure that I like that argument. But once again I'm feeling alone. It's weird the roller coaster of emotions that I've gone on the best few minutes. Alas, I'm off to parts unknown for lost adventures. (Or more likely another lonely day of sitting here in an empty apartment screaming at the universe to do something.)

Wow, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Somehow I thought that I was more than a fat slob, I thought that personality was somehow enough, I thought that a five hour phone call would lead to who knows what. Apparently I'm wrong. And it's not like I don't see it from her perspective, sometimes the attraction just isn't there. Maybe that's what I was supposed to learn from dating M, because I wasn't attracted to her and I couldn't deal with her drama. Somehow in all my amazing logic, I forgot that being rejected hurts. I forgot that it all hurts. I somehow forgot to tell myself to quit hoping for a while. I thought I'd changed. I thought I developed enough personality that it was enough to get girls. But it's more than just girls, I thought that maybe I wouldn't be alone anymore. I don't know what came over me, but I was just damned confident. Or maybe just in my mind, but when it came to practicing the confidence I just couldn't do it. Now I could take this rejection a few ways. I could use is it an opportunity for self improvement. I could start walking and eating better. I could quit smoke and weed. I could give up so much of what has become my identity. I just don't want to smoke weed anymore. I want to loose weight and eat better. I'm sick of being broke. These are all noblethoughts of course, but when it comes down to it, I'm so afraid of being bored that I will do anything to occupy my mind so I don't have to sit down and think about my impending doom. Alas, I probably just need to sleep on it. I'm sure in the morning (whenever I get to sleep) it'll make more sense, or at least I can hide in a book all day tomorrow. I just hope I have enough to occupy myself. Maybe I'll start walking. I could walk to the duck pond, I could walk to Circle K, I could walk to 7-11 or all the way down Queen if I really got ambitious. I guess it's not too late to go for a walk now, but people in this town are weird enough during the day that I don't want to deal with them in the middle of the night. I don't want to stop typing. I know this is completing irrational. God I hate emotion, it complicates what could be a very academic pursuit. Love doesn't seem that complicated on paper, but when put into practice . . . I just don't want to stop tying because as soon as I publish this, I know I'll be alone all over again. When I'm typing it doesn't seem like I'm alone. At least I'm talking to something even if nobody ever reads this. I see her perspective. I'm not attractive enough and I was way, way too nervous around her. I close my eyes and let the emotions well over me and what it comes down to is fear. Fear that maybe I will really end up alone, fear that even if I don't end up alone it won't matter. Wow, I'm really thinking about death right now and it scares me. I really hope no one that I knows ever reads this, it's all so crazy. Who knows, maybe I am going crazy. Maybe we're all a little crazy and maybe it doesn't matter if we are. I'm sure nothing really matters, but I do know that being alone sucks and I didn't realize it because M came along, then the I went on a date with another M and I didn't pursue that because I was so sure that K would be something. I mean 5 hours on the phone, you really make a connection. Or maybe we did and it doesn't matter. A connection on the phone just doesn't translate to physical attraction. What really hurt was when she called me a "great guy." Well here's to all the great guys in the world. The guys that are always the friend and never more. The guy that bottoms feed and is happy with what he finds. I don't know. I'm just sad. I guess it happens and it'll go away in time. At least I know not to get my hopes up again for a girl that isn't a sure thing. Really when have I ever got the girl that I actually wanted? Even A, who I was desperately in love with was never my first choice, M was just someone to fill in the gap, but I wasn't attracted to her. Maybe I'll start seeing her again, at least that way I don't have to be alone anymore. Alas, I'm going to try to sleep, or at least get a light bulb for my lamp so I can read myself to sleep. Then there's the fear that this is all getting a bit out of my control I've been to high to realize it until now. I still don't want to quit typing I'm afraid that I won't be able to sleep. I haven't slept much recently, but I know I need it. Alas, I'll keep blogging for a while, or maybe not. If anyone could comment on this, I could really use some words of support. Thanks everyone.

Sex, babies, raising families, it all seems so primal. It's like if we're doing this and animals are doing this too, then maybe we aren't as special as we like to think. It seems wrong and unnatural to me, like death and birth. If humans have to go through all the same stuff that animals are going through, what makes us so special? I don't know why, but realizing all that we have in common with animals and the rest of life makes me feel uneasy. I say it's all so primal, but it's really because I'm scared. Because if humans have this much in common with the animals then maybe we aren't that special. And lately I've been deluding myself into thinking that something like God might exist (you notice, I capitalize it for the first time ever in this blog.) But if we have this much in common with the animals, then it makes sense that death is the same for all species too. So if we know that animals don't have an after life, then we should also know that there is no life after death for humans either. So the reason love, sex, babies, raising families, and all that stuff that we have in common with the animals makes me uneasy is because it actually reminds me of my own mortality which I've promised myself not to think about again until I'm 30. Interesting, I'm not sure where that leaves me except thinking about death instead of life and birth. But it was a fun train of thought to follow. I wonder if this will make sense in the morning?