So I just woke up from a dream that left me sad and depressed waking up from it. I dreamed that I was laying in a bed with K (the current crush thing that I know now doesn't give a damn about me) and I say something like "then I wouldn't be able to hold you in my arms." Then I lean over and kiss her. It's just a basic kiss, though for someone that hasn't kissed a lot, it seemed amazing. In my dream, it was like I knew it was a dream as soon as our lips touched and I woke up feeling rejected and alone. I just feel so sad right now. Not rejected, just sad. I knew I was rejected and I know she's going after another guy, but I'm putting what little social life I have on hold right now waiting for K to decide that she likes me enough. Or more likely, she will probably never like me enough and I'm sacrificing my social life for nothing. So here's to first kisses, I hope if it does happen I won't feel quite this depressed. I'm sorry. Wait there's more of a dream coming back to me, it's me wandering around Salem dragging my blanket and looking for the bus station. Only when I get there, I have a car and I don't need a bus ticket. But before that I'm in a bar at a bus station and I have some money that I'm needing to gamble. Like there's an unnatural feeling forcing me to gamble. So I come across one of those pull tab machines like they have at bowling alleys, but it's busted open so they're all free. I pull them out and I see some big winners, but for some reason the next scene of the dream is me in V-Town hanging out with my friend and this girl from high school, (my lesbian friend who ended up in Iraq) is there too. I don't remember what happens from there and I think the kiss dream with K started the whole cycle of dreams.

All that and I still feel depressed over a god damned dream. Why can't we be more than friends? Because I knew that when I started the nice guy bit that it wouldn't get me anywhere. I thought that any attention from a girl was better than none, and I still kinda feel that way. Even if she is using me, at least she's talking to me. But now I realize that this is doomed to be unhappy. Like I've always said, I just want someone to hold. . . is that really so much to ask of the universe?