Wow, I'm so sick of being alone, I haven't been able to sleep 8 hours in weeks and my stomach won't keep anything down without a hour in the fucking bathroom later. I feel like I'm loosing control of so much right now, all I want to do is . . . That's a good question, what is all that I want to do? All I want is someone to occupy that big empty part of my bed. I want someone to hold in the middle of the night and I wake up feeling lonely. I want somebody to share all these amazing experiences with. I just want someone to be with me. Sometimes the loneliness just seems so overwhelming, no just the disappointment. Imagine the feeling of finding someone that seems exactly who . . . actually never mind. This is entirely too irrational. We just talked on the phone for a few hours. Normally that would have been enough. . . but it wasn't. That's okay. I just wish it was a clean rejection. A clean rejection isn't that bad, I mean I get to feel like I wasn't good enough, which I knew all along of course, and I get to know for a fact that myself isn't enough. Now that's a hard revelation. Myself just Inst good enough. I'm not even angry enough to rant on how I should have never let myself buy into the bullshit of "just be yourself and someone will come along." Well maybe I am, or I'm not I don't know. It's what I would consider the middle of the night and I just can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep more than 5 hours in a week. This can't be good for me. I'm barely eating anymore even when I'm alone and high. Where is all this coming from? Stress? You wouldn't know that I was stressed talking to me last week. Last week was the most amazing week, of course I was still barely eating or sleeping so I guess physically it's not that different. Maybe that's why this hurts so much. I went from just an amazing high in life to the crushing instabilities. That makes sense and that actually makes me feel a little better. Wow, thank you weed. You just made everything a little better again. So the reason I'm feeling this so hard is because of all the ups of last week when I thought I was going to meet the girl of my dreams and my co-dependent side was thinking that all my problems would finally be solved. But I was so un-godly happy last week, like happier than I've been since the first week with A. I just wish all this bullshit made more sense, I just don't want to feel lonely anymore. Wait at this moment I feel slightly less lonely, but only because wake and bake is kicking in and I'm blogging. My blog is like having someone to listen to me in the middle of the night when I'm feeling scared, it's my unmoving should to cry on, it's where I go when the rest of the world just doesn't care anymore. Blog, if I can't love a real person, at least I can love you for always being there for me when I just wanted someone to listen. Thank you for being here for me through all of everything during the past 5 years. I love you. Wow, I really want to say that to someone. I have all these things I need to say a girl and I just want acceptance. What's weird is that I'm not very picky at the moment, I'd pretty much say that to any girl that came along if I thought she would accept it and love me for it. Maybe that's the trouble, to everyone else those are just words. No, I don't want to use that phrase, I don't want to use any phrase. I just want to lay back and relax for a few minutes. Who knows, maybe I'll feel up to trying sleep again. To no one and everyone: I love you, thank you for making . Wow, I just made a weird connection, maybe all this excess love is God. Maybe having all this love and nowhere to put it is exactly what God is. Or maybe that's just something lonely people say to make themselves feel better. Yeah that seems more likely. Fucking God, what an asshole for putting me through all this. Or maybe it's more of a test, if I can jump through just one more hoop, then God will finally reward me with true love. But people that believe that they're following God's plan just don't want to feel so insignificant, so they invent an all powerful God and pretend he's always there with them. Wow, God is something that was invented because of a person's fear of being alone. God was evolved. And this explains where God comes from too. You always ask if God created man, then who created God. Using the philosophy that nothing exists until it is perceived, then God created us during his non-existence because he perceived us. Then in our time of loneliness, when we feel like there's all this love to give, but no one to give it to, we created God out of necessity, we perceived God into existence. Therefore: Man created God and God created man. I'm not sure that I like that argument. But once again I'm feeling alone. It's weird the roller coaster of emotions that I've gone on the best few minutes. Alas, I'm off to parts unknown for lost adventures. (Or more likely another lonely day of sitting here in an empty apartment screaming at the universe to do something.)